To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

[purplepompoms]

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

Would it be possible to take on more hours with your present Uni job?

At least you would still be in the same sphere as the job you are looking for.

However, I would not expect my DP to be telling me to accept any job, as I would be doing that anyway.

(I am a qualified teacher who normally works overseas, occasionally I have to stay back in the UK for longer than a few days. To keep the money coming in I have sorted mail on a night shift, worked in kitchens and done basically anything that will pay)

I wouldnt be impressed if dh losthis job then faffed on wanting a dream job that he might not get

i would expect him to be widening his options in this economy, not restricting choice

I would do exactly the same myself.

How realistic is it that your will actually get your "dream job" in a year?
Are you being realistic about what you want? Do you know of an actual real life person doing the job that you would really love, or do you just have some vague notions about you might be interested in such and such?

It may be that what you want just doesn't exist, and DH thinks you are chasing something that will never happen.

Howabout giving him a timetable - look between now and Christmas for what you want and make enquiries into local relevant temping agencies (eg find out who your employer uses and sign up with them etc).

New year to Easter - serious job hunting over a broader area, actively get temp stuff.

Easter onwards - take anything within reason.

Also - although he is thinking that you going back = more money, has he factored in all the additional childcare you will need for school pick ups, holidays, if kids are poorly etc? Plus the practicalities - will he be happy to take days off work at short notice if the kids are sick? (all very well him saying that he earns more than you but your employer is also going to get hacked off if its always you Etc). It's not necessarily as simple as you go and earn more and there will be more money!

Have you thought about student support roles in a secondary school or FE college?

YANBU

You have given up your time to raise the children, he has had the opportunity to build up a career in a field he enjoys. You should be able to do something fulfilling with your life too.

However, I do think it's sensible to have a plan of how to get there, draw it up and stick to it. He should support you in that.

YABVU!

He has waited for a long time until he no longer has to be the main breadwinner so that you can have a better standard of living, I can completely understand his frustration at you being all wishy washy now.

Take a batter paid job and continue to look for a job that you will enjoy.

How would you feel if he decided to quit his job so that he could do something he enjoys even more, while expecting you to subsidise him?

Where are you looking for jobs? Do you check jobs.ac.uk regularly? I work in student support, and actually as a field it is not suffering too badly at the moment - I've just recruited 8 new staff to my student services department. What aspect of student support are you interested in working in? Careers is a big growth area at the moment with a lot of recruitment going on, there's also a fair bit in mental health/as/dyslexia support although as a general rule of thumb you will need specialist qualifications for roles in these areas, eg mental health nursing/mental health social worker.

There's not much going in terms if voluntary roles that I'm aware of in HE, but if you are appropriately qualified it hopefully won't take too long. If you can tell your dh what your specific goal is do you think that would reassure him?

notyomomma I haven't lost my job though - I have a permanent contract with a university but it is only for 12 hours a week, which admittedly doesn't bring much money in, but my DH knew that and was happy when I took the job a year ago as it meant I was available to do all the childcare but kept my foot in the door with work, so to speak. I did hope that I'd be able to up my hours in this job by now but that is not possible owing to cutbacks. Neither of us are keen for me to leave this job for a temporary position as we may need to remortgage in the next couple of years and my salary (small as it is) will only be considered for the mortgage if i am in a job which is a "permanent" contract. I am quite happy to continue in this job for another year while I try and get the job I want. I have applied for 3 posts in the past 2 months but haven't got interviews so far. I have previous experience in helpline and information work, a degree and a masters so I don't think I am wildly ambitious in aiming to work in HE student support. I just need a bit of time to get there. I don't think it makes sense for me to leave this job for one in another sector and then try getting back into HE later as my current experience is working with students and therefore directly relevant to what I want to do. My bottom line is that my husband gets to do work he likes every day and I should be able to as well as long as it doesn't seriously jeopardize our finances.

YANBU

You made a massive career sacrifice so that he could keep his job while the children are small.

Now he owes you some time to get yourself back on your feet.

Taking the first crappy job that comes along rather than taking time to position yourself well for a job you love is a really bad idea.

3 applicationss in 2 months is nothing though OP. I'm afraid it's going to take a while if that's the number of jobs in the field you want. Completely understand your reasoning but I do think sometimes you just have to side step your dreams a little bit. That isn't saying you should forget them, not at all! Is there a course you could do to improve your prospects, whilst working in a 'normal' job? It is hard work especially with a child but least then you'd be working and still taking a step towards what you want for the future.

Hasn't anyone else taken on crappy jobs until they (are lucky enough to) find the one that suits them.

If it's a question of more cash for luxury things and your family has what they need I don't see why you have to do something which will make you unhappy.
You gave up the job you had and enjoyed to raise your family, that was a sacrifice and now you are willing to start from the bottom career wise, I can see why you think it's unfair to say you don't even then get to carefully choose a new career you will be fulfilled in.
Can you not agree on a time limit then say if you are not on your way to a job you really want in say 9 months(?) you will cast your net much wider? or get another small part time job alongside the unspectacular part time job you already have?

Family life is about more than just the finances, though, purplepompoms. What effect is your refusal to take a job that isn't your perfect one going to have on your relationship with your dh?

It sounds as if he is not at all happy with the way things are - I think you do have to take his feelings into consideration, purely because you don't want him to be seething with resentment whilst you wait for your perfect job to come along - that could do real damage to your relationship.

People have tried to give you advice on this thread, good advice, and I think you need to re-read it and think about whether any of it can help you.

Someone suggested setting out a timetable of how you will job-hunt over the next few months, looking for the perfect job up until Christmas, then gradually widening your search - so that your dh can see you are not going to hold out indefinitely for a perfect job that may never happen.

So when the kids are small the woman has to give up her career, her earning power, her independence and devote herself to them while her husband keeps the job he likes.

Then the VERY SECOND they return to school she has to go out and take whatever job is going to provide luxuries for the rest of the family?

BOLLOCKS TO THAT.

She gave up her job to the enormous benefit of everyone else.

Now they can all do without luxuries and allow her the luxury of figuring out exactly what to do with her life now.

If this man wants luxury holidays, why doesn't he get a better paid job?

He has the massive advantage of having an uninterrupted career.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to pursue a career you want and you would enjoy, but surely you can still job hunt whilst you are in a job that has more hours and move from there into your dream role? It could be a long time before your dream role comes up (although obviously I hope it wont be!). From what I've seen in the sector at the moment, the main recruitment is going on in specialist areas of support, rather than in the general advice/picking up the phone roles.

Where do you live? That can make a big difference - London = lots of HE institutions, so more opportunities, whereas in other cities you tend to only have a choice of 2 different institutions so opportunities are more limited. Do you know how far you are prepared to travel for work?

I would advise thinking carefully about the exact type of role you want in student support - it is a pretty varied field - and then look at how you can tailor your experience and qualifications to suit that type of role. For example, my student support dept has specialist teams that deal with disability and wellbeing, immigration issues, finance issues, counselling, crisis work, faith support (chaplains and so on), careers, etc etc. Do you know which of these areas you want to work in, or is just student support in general you are interested in? You will have more chance of success I think if you target your role.

If you are interested in student advice, have you tried looking at paid student union roles? A lot of student unions have paid staff in student advice positions.

Would letting your DH know about these sorts of considerations make him realise that this is not a wishy-washy pie in the sky idea, but something you are committed to, and something he should support you in.

"What effect is your refusal to take a job that isn't your perfect one going to have on your relationship with your dh?"

What effect is his high handed demands that his wife go out skivvying to provide him with foreign holidays going to have on her relationship with him?

Just because he stayed in paid work doesn't make him the more important spouse.

He's not her boss. She doesn't need to show him a fucking job search timetable.

He could actually try the amazing innovation called "not being an impatient twat".

It goes very well with the old-fashioned thing called "loving and supporting your wife who has done the same for you"

Except JoinYour women don't have to give up their career, it's a choice a woman can make if that's what they want.

o. My bottom line is that my husband gets to do work he likes every day and I should be able to as well as long as it doesn't seriously jeopardize our finances

I'm sure he had jobs that he didn't like doing before he got to where he is though? That's how it works. It'll more than likely have to be the same for you. The sheer volume of applicants for jobs isn't on your side and it could take months, even years to find the job you want. In that time you could have been earning a decent wage and helping your DH more. Also you say you may need to remortgage the house which suggests you could do with extra money?

Hope you manage to sort something you'll both be happy with

What effect is his high handed demands that his wife go out skivvying to provide him with foreign holidays going to have on her relationship with him?
Erm how is earning money for your family skivvying? The majority of us haven't got the luxury of being able to have our dream job, we just get on with it.

If I was the OP I'd be jumping at the chance to get in there and earn the money and allow my family to have the better side of life. Doesn't mean she'll never get the jobs she wants!

"Except JoinYour women don't have to give up their career, it's a choice a woman can make if that's what they want."

No, she didn't have to give up her career.

But she did.

In part because he wanted her to.

And he reaped the rewards of that for years while it suited him.

So now he owes her a bit of time to figure out what to do next and to position herself well for the next bit of her working life.

Getting her to give up her well-paid job and then insisting she go back to any old shite job just so he can have luxuries is being a complete and utter shithead,

How did he get her to give up her job? Pretty sure they both would have decided to have a baby.

"The majority of us haven't got the luxury of being able to have our dream job, we just get on with it. "

So?

She DOES have that luxury, or at least she should, if her husband wasn't a fucking ungrateful, unsupportive wanker.

Wow you seem seriously angry and those comments are completely fucking unjustified.

You're acting as though he spends all the money on himself. He's providing for the family, he was earning enough for her to be able to stay at home with her babies, then to just get a part time job. Now the time has come to get full time paid work - so? I'd expect the same from my partner.

No-one is saying she should completely abandon her ideas, but have an appropriate time scale to do so. You can't go on forever holding out for the dream job.

Just laughing at how different the reactions would be if the roles were reversed. He'd be called a lazy twat.