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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

183 replies

purplepompoms · 31/10/2013 15:59

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 31/10/2013 21:39

To express the opinion that she should be widening her job search is hardly the same as ordering her back to work.

WilsonFrickett · 31/10/2013 21:41

Huge apologies, three applications in the last two months, not six, sorry!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 31/10/2013 21:45

I think it's a smack in the face.

You dropped your house to enable him to continue in his career, he should now support you in getting yours back on track.

The grass is not all ways greener, school holidays cost a fortune in child care

redskyatnight · 31/10/2013 22:09

Did OP drop her hours so that her DH would continue in his career? Most women I know in OP's position drop their hours because they want to spend more time with their DC. Presumably it would have been possible for OP to continue with her f/t if she'd wanted to. Find it very odd that everyone talk about OP making sacrifices for her DH - surely the sacrifices were for her DC?

tinkertitonk · 31/10/2013 22:16

"My point is that he spends his 9-5 doing something he enjoys and finds fulfilling"

If he didn't enjoy his job would that make a difference? To put it another way: this makes you seem a trifle competitive with your DH.

utreas · 31/10/2013 22:21

YABU if you've only applied for 3 jobs in the last 2 months then you need to broaden your scope massively.

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 22:31

As long as your not paying more in childcare than your earning you should do any job, whilst looking and applying for your 'ideal' job.

Mimishimi · 31/10/2013 22:33

If you are currently working, you are contributing but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want you to increase your hours until you find something you like better. Maybe he just feels you are unnecessarily limiting yourself?

missinglalaland · 31/10/2013 22:59

JoinYourPlayfuckers has it about right.

The op is asking for a fraction of the time she has already given up for the family. This family is not in a financially precarious situation. The op is already working and handling child care. The op is not asking for an open ended time frame. The dh is not toiling in a salt mine.

Reducing this woman's worth to how much £££££ she can provide immediately, seems like internalised misogyny to me.

2468Motorway · 01/11/2013 07:14

'misogyny' really? Just because he wants the family to have a bit more disposable income. Currently the op says there is no money for extras.

BookFairy · 01/11/2013 07:29

purplepompoms I was looking for a similar job but had to move into a related field; many universities now recruit their student support staff through agencies and don't offer in house contracts.

If you just take "any" job will you still be doing the school run/holidays etc? I don't necessarily think YAB entirely U.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 01/11/2013 07:39

Could you get a second part time job? That way you keep your current experience and presumably early access to vacancies but also earn some more money.

ovenbun · 01/11/2013 08:12

This may be unfair but it sounds like you massively begrudge him his enjoyable job...it isn't a competition about who has sacrificed more you are a team and have both done what was needed to support the family in the children's early years. Now those needs have changed and your roles are changing again. It's always easier to see what you have given up and resent the other person but it's a quick route to being utterly miserable. 3 applications in 2 months is very low...if there is that little available in your chosen field (a very popular field in an area facing huge cut backs) you will realistically have to widen your search and continue applying for your ideal job while in other employment. There are going to be times in your married life where your oh is the one comprising/making sacrifices. In your position I'd take one for the team. You can always do two part time jobs if you feel staying in your present role is important. Best wishes with finding your dream job soon!

Beastofburden · 01/11/2013 08:38

Be careful before you give up a permanent contract in a Uni. It will be much easier to get into student support from where you are. Quite a lot of jobs won't be on jobs.ac.uk, they will be advertised within the university for internal candidates. Or you can organise a secondment to student support when they are really busy.

The thing about a permanent contract in a Uni is THE PENSION which is much more brilliant than anything you will get outside the sector. You will need all the help you can get to build up a good pension. Make sure your P understands that staying in this sector will mean that you will be contributing far more, nice you are both retired, than you could any other way.

Student disability support offices are often incredibly busy over the summer, when they are getting ready for the kids to come, and when the library might be quieter. Can you fix a secondment over next summer? Or go and talk to them and offer to do some hours for free- the hours when your kids are in school but you are not working at the moment. Disability support is a good route into student support.

frogwatcher42 · 01/11/2013 08:47

Can you keep your part time role and take another 'any old part time job' in HE sector and then you are fulfilling all that you need - more hours and more money, but keeping in with the sector you want.

You can then keep searching for the exact job you want for however long you want.

I can see your dh point of view actually. However, there are ways around it as above.

MidniteScribbler · 01/11/2013 09:01

Applying for three jobs in two months is not actively job hunting. It's dipping your toe in the water.

Beastofburden · 01/11/2013 09:09

Agree with frog. I think it would be reasonable to keep your current job and supplement it with something while you do your homework and your job hunt. I think it would be unreasonable to refuse to make any changes at all.

When I gave up my first career to look after the children, it wasn't a big sacrifice, actually I felt very lucky that DH agreed to pay the bills and let me be the one who enjoyed being a full time parent to our three DC. Yes, there was a transition of about five years when I went back, where I had to do jobs I didn't want. I got there in the end, and so will you, but it might take more than a year, so you need a plan for the interim.

Kiwiinkits · 01/11/2013 09:09

It's always easier to see what you have given up and resent the other person but it's a quick route to being utterly miserable.

This from Ovenbun was bang on.

3littlefrogs · 01/11/2013 09:23

Before and after school care and holiday child care is VERY expensive.

Also - it is extraordinary how frequently a normal healthy child is off school sick.

Then there are inset days. Half term. Long school holidays.

Make sure you sit down with DH and do the sums.

Include your travel costs too.

ubik · 01/11/2013 09:24

I suppose it all hinges on how desperate your finances are and how stressed your husband is.

I found myself redundant and unable to get back into my sector shortly after I had DD3. Meanwhile the recession hit and DP's self employed income stopped, then halved. We ended up massively in debt. It's terrifying how quickly it happened with 3 small children too

I took a job - any job and was fortunate to be recruited into the public sector doing call centre shift work. I earn pro-rata about £25,000 p/a due to shift allowances - nights/bank holidays and yes I am working Christmas Day this year.

I look back at my cushy job before - flights to meetings in Europe, writing for a living, high heels, managing a team of 15, every day different and I can hardly believe that was me. But the upside is that with my current income DP is not about to keel over from stress and his earnings are creeping up month by month, we managed a holiday this year, I can pay for new winter boots for the children. And this is much more important than a self fulfilling job at the moment.

Fortunately I am studying for a second degree and will go into teaching afterwards and our finances and my life will be back on track.
Anyway,

What I am saying is - how desperate is your situation?
If it is not then look around for a job you will like, as working in a job you dislike has it's own cost to your health and self esteem (take it from me)

If things are spiralling, if your husband is grey from stress, then yes take any job.

ubik · 01/11/2013 09:26

Yes, there was a transition of about five years when I went back, where I had to do jobs I didn't want. I got there in the end, and so will you

That's good to hear - I am two years in and keeping the faith that I will get back into a professional career.

3littlefrogs · 01/11/2013 09:27

Agency work is a good stepping stone. You can work the hours you want and you may be offered long term work through one of the jobs.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 01/11/2013 09:29

This, this, this.

I'm amazed how dumb people are when it comes to thinking strategically about work.

Leaving the job you're in to take the first crappy full-time job you can get elsewhere would be incredibly bad planning.

If he wants more money, why doesn't HE bring in more?

He's the "main breadwinner" after all.

MollyWhuppie · 01/11/2013 09:38

Before you widen your search, why don't you do everything you can to get the job you want: don't just apply to advertised jobs as you will be in competition with loads of other more qualified people. Contact the relevant departments of organisations, speak to the people in charge and try and get in front of them. Offer to volunteer during school time when you're not working. If you really want this type of work you need to go out there and find it yourself - don't just wait for a post to be advertised.

PicardyThird · 01/11/2013 09:42

Why don't you keep your current 12h-a-week job, keep applying for jobs in your sector, and take on some casual or seasonal work in retail or similar to bring a bit of extra money in? It sounds as if your current job is the right sort of experience in the right field for where you want to get to ultimately, plus, as you say, it is a permanent contract, so it would seem a bit of a gamble to give it up for something not in the same field. But as the hours are limited you have the time to do some purely money-earning work alongside. Or do you have skills which mean you could do a bit of freelancing?

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