To resent my DH expecting me to take ANY job

[purplepompoms]

We have 2 DCs and for the last year or so I've worked very part-time hours so that we didn't have to pay for childcare. This worked well while my youngest DD was at home but now she's started school, I would like a job that was more rewarding and more hours. I currently work in a university (non-academic role) and would like to find another job in a university that was preferably 3 or 4 days a week or full time if I really couldn't get part-time. The trouble is there are very few jobs in the sector and my DH is getting impatient with me restricting my job search and thinks I should look more widely. I understand that he has been the main breadwinner for the past 4 years and wants me to contribute more financially. However he works in a job he loves in the field of his choosing and I think he should give me the time to find something I too will enjoy doing if I'm going to be working virtually full time. My current job is OK for a part-time role but would be really unrewarding if I had to do it full-time and has little room for progression. Before having children I worked in a different area in more senior roles and earned a similar amount to my DH but there was no possibility of him going P/T and I was happy to take p/t less fulfilling roles while the children were small. Anyway, AIBU to expect him to give me up to a year to find a satisfying job?

I do agree that it is equally important to ask what effect it would have, if the OP felt forced to take a job she hates, JoinYourPlayfuckers. It is all about compromise, and I think they will both need to compromise - the OP might have to take a job that isn't The Perfect Job, but that will help her gain more skills that will make it easier to get the perfect job, and her dh might have to accept that she isn't going to do any job (unless their finances really change).

I don't think anyone's saying she should shovel shit, just widen her search. Why on earth assume that you'd hate every job just because it isn't the chosen one.

OP, I understand you, I'm in the same situation (almost).
I chucked a p/t job I started to hate and was making me ill with stress (2.5hrs commute per day for 3,5 hour job). I only took it because it fell at my feet and suited around preschool hours (with only 2 hours of paid childcare by childminder a week).

I want to do something else, retrain, and have wanted to give up my current career for years.
Now is the time to rethink what I want.
But after 4 months of only one salary money is quite tight (due to some unforseen expenses for our money pit house)
And dh gets a bit impatient.
I do feel I did hang on to my career because it was easy around school and pre school hours. I should have had a big rethink years ago. But was too busy managing p/t job, 3 children, household.

Now I think it is reasonable to take the time to find out what I would actually like to do workwise for the next 25 years.

I have signed up with an agency to do temp jobs to get some money in before Christmas, but it is very clearly a temporary measure.

OP in the meantime is there any place you could email and see if they'd give you voluntary work? Step in the door and all that

If your DH lost his job, would you let him work a few hours a week submitting an application every six months until he found his dream job? Somehow i doubt it so why should you get the option?

He has been the main earner to allow you to stay home a great deal and did so on the understanding you would go back to work full time when school age came about. Yes he is the bad guy?

I don't think anyone is suggesting 'any old shite job' . He probably just thinks that 12 hours a week won't earn very much.

I don't think her DH seems particularly unsupportive from what OP has said so far. Whilst she was doing the lions share of the childcare for the family, he did the lions share of the earning for the family. That's seems a pretty fair division of labour to me. She now wants to return to work as there is less hands on childcare now that children are at school - again, that seems pretty fair enough. Her DH wants her to get a job, rather than faff about at home job hunting for the dream job - again fair enough.

I don't understand why OP is reluctant to take on a job with more hours at the same time as hunting for her dream job -surely the two aren't mutually exclusive? As I've said, if OP is focussed and appropriately experienced/qualified (which it seems that she is) then student support in HE is a good goal and is reasonably buoyant in terms of recruitment at the moment.

angrygnomes thank you for the helpful advice. I am on jobs.ac.uk and I check the websites of every university and FE college in London on a weekly basis. The type of role I would go for would be a fairly generalist one. I have experience of giving specialist disability advice but that was many years ago and I have also managed a local government helpline. I currently work in university libraries so I am student-facing and that is mainly why I want to try and move straight into student support from this job because I don't see the point of leaving the sector (I have been working part-time in universities for 4 years now) and then trying to get back in.

By the way I don't want to give the impression my DH is an asshole. He isn't putting massive pressure on me - it is more an expectation. I suppose I do have quite a strong feeling as a feminist that we agreed together that my career should take a back seat whilst children were small and now I feel I should have the right to a fulfilling career. He managed to get into his dream area straight after university so has always been in a sector he loved. I have worked in a wide variety of jobs in many sectors and it is only now at nearly 40 that I am fairly sure of what I want.

OP you mentioned voluntary work, have you every been on a website called Do It?

"He probably just thinks that 12 hours a week won't earn very much."

Well he was happy enough with those 12 hours when it suited him.

Now he can cool his jets for a bit while his wife, the mother of his children, whose career has taken a massive hit to look after HIS children and save HIM money on childcare, takes stock and tries to put herself in a position to get a job she likes.

But nobody is saying you can't have a fulfilling career but sometimes you need to make a short term sacrifice to allow for the family to be properly supported until that happens. Applying for so few jobs is hardly showing that you are serious about finding a different job so I can understand why your DH is getting frustrated.

Maybe you could ask him to go PT in order to afford you the career freedom.he has had?

"I suppose I do have quite a strong feeling as a feminist that we agreed together that my career should take a back seat whilst children were small and now I feel I should have the right to a fulfilling career."

Yes, you should.

And you shouldn't give up that chance so your husband and kids can go on a foreign holiday next summer.

Figure out what you need to do, including any studying you might need to do, any voluntary work, any courses and do it.

Agree completely with Join Your Playfuckers. The DH here has had a good time with his career, the OP has made the sacrifices, so he can show some appreciation now. The school situation must have only changed two months ago so the OP has not been sitting letting the grass grow for ages, either.

"But nobody is saying you can't have a fulfilling career but sometimes you need to make a short term sacrifice to allow for the family to be properly supported until that happens."

She's ALREADY MADE A SHORT TERM SACRIFICE.

Why should she make another now?

Why can't he make a short term sacrifice to give her the best chance of getting the right job now?

ell he was happy enough with those 12 hours when it suited him

It suited them both. She got time with her children didn't she?

How long is short term? We've all said what the job market is like especially in such a very limited field as what the OP would like, it could take years.

OP, lucky you! We are the same age and you know what you want. I only know what I don't want anymore.
I agree, it makes no sense to leave the sector to then get back into it.
Volunteering in your chosen field or maybe another p/t job would make much more sense than starting full time in a job you don't want.

'Well he was happy enough with those 12 hours when it suited him.'

The op said it was a joint decision, she wasn't the family servant.

'Now he can cool his jets for a bit while his wife, the mother of his children, whose career has taken a massive hit to look after HIS children and save HIM money on childcare, takes stock and tries to put herself in a position to get a job she likes.'

Save him money! I assume all money is joint. I also assume he shared it with the op. Perhaps he feels the pressure of being the main earner. Perhaps he'd like a holiday abroad, its hardly a crime. I don't think it's unreasonable for the op to widen her search.

Join - surely it is looking after THEIR children, not his children, and saving THEM money on childcare, not saving HIM money. You seem bizarrely angry with the OPs DH, more so than she is herself

Anyway, great news that you are in London OP - lots of opportunities there, although the downside is of course more competition. If it is useful to know, a lot of my colleagues have gained valuable experience doing voluntary work that fits in around paid work, eg school governor, sitting on exec/board of a local charity, voluntary advice work (you can do this with the Citizens Advice bureau). Don't downplay your experience - even if it was some years ago you will have accrued skills that you can brush down and get ready for a new role.

I can see why you want to stay in HE - its v family friendly (at least in my experience) and generally a great environment. Don't write off FE though - a lot of people in student support hop between FE and HE roles during their careers, and you wouldn't be setting yourself back in terms of getting a role in HE if you took up temporary work in FE.

Get a job now and then while yo are doing it look for the job you would really like.

OP I was in a similar position to you terms of work although mine was due to a move overseas rather than childcare. Finance was a huge issue for us as were health reasons. We sacrifice so much as women sometimes don't we for children and for love?

I went from being a senior manager respected in my profession to cleaning loos and shivering on market stands to make ends meet before finally getting a job as an admin assistant. Finally over 2 years later I am about to work at the level I used to. There is nothing wrong at all with any of those jobs and I have grown so much as a person as a result, but there is no denying when you have been used to working at a certain intellectual and professional level it is exceedingly difficult to go to something that is very different. That sounds snobby and I don't mean it to be so at all as I was happy to earn anything - but we are all different and have different motivations and needs. There were many nights of frustrated tears and near packing of bags. And sometimes huge resentment targeted at poor DH.

My point is if you have the luxury of being able to take the time to find the right thing then you should. I don't know if getting something else and then getting dream job would help because you might get stuck in a rut and become dependent on the money and never leave and that would lead to some serious long term resentment. It is ok to want your career back! The other thing would be changing jobs too often would not look good on a cv.

I thought some of the suggestions to try sixth form and FE colleges excellent. You could really broaden your experience then in a similar role but show to DH that you are widening your search.

My DH has the ability to work in pretty much any job and not give a shit about what it is (he works hard ofc but work is not a motivation). For me being in the wrong role is soul destroying - I have to be passionate and interested in what I am doing or I get ill from the stress.

YANBU. We all have different things that make us tick. Take the time you need to get it right. Good luck!

The problem with taking any old job is you then get bracketed into that role and might not be able to transfer back to the field you really want. Employers can afford to be quite conservative and not take a punt on something with an "ecletic" CV.

OP remind your DH that student support pays very well compared to jobs with comparable skills. It's in your family's interest for you to stay in this sector if you can.

There are loads of problems with taking "any old job" when you are trying to strategically position yourself for a particular job.

It is far, FAR better for the OP's long term happiness AND long term earning potential to make the right career decisions now.

If he could handle the stress of being the sole breadwinner while the kids were not at school, he can handle it a little longer for the long term benefit of his wife's career.

They BOTH agreed that she give up her old job.

That doesn't mean he gets to order her back to work when it suits him and to her long-term detriment.

Yes, but if there really are only three roles that the OP has applied for in the last six months, and she's in London, and as other HE posters have said the market is reasonably buoyant, then hasn't DP got a point? How long do you give it OP?