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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ready to be flamed.....

134 replies

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:20

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2013 00:23

I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. She will learn that lesson, and well. Do you want that? Or, do you want her to learn to do the right thing, even when it is hard or upsetting?

OliverBoliverButt33 · 11/10/2013 00:24

I think your friend will understand. I would. Just be VERY apologetic, explain that it's a whole class party and your DD would be the only one not there and make sure her DD gets a nice prezzie & card and some fun playtime together.

Absolutely tell your friend the truth though.

Nombrechanger · 11/10/2013 00:25

Is it a kids party you're turning down with your old friend?

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:25

Yes you would, it's rude to accept an invitation then ditch it when something else better turns up.
You should be teaching your DD better manners.

I do get where you're coming from with regard to new friends but there will be plenty more opportunities.

LackaDAISYcal · 11/10/2013 00:26

Could you do half time at one party and half at the other?
Then DD gets to spend time with her new friends and your old friend isn't insulted?

or just say something has come up and you can't make it after all. No need for a further explanation really.

or feign illness and hope that your old friend doesn't know anyone at the new party?

Or, just tell her and acceot that it might be a nail in the coffin of that particualr friendship.

I'd hope though, that as a mother herself, she will understand the need for your DD to be involved in her new class.

PedlarsSpanner · 11/10/2013 00:27

You can be as rude as you like to your old, dear friend but don't come crying to us in a few years when last minute/second tier guestlist party invites dry up and your old friend has cast you aside as a lost cause

HTH

Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 00:27

It would depend on a couple of things.
If the old friend is having a gaggle of children in a relaxed setting I might speak to her. If she has very few children going and/or a paid for activity I would probably get my DD to go to the party we/she agreed to attend.

There will be other class parties. I would feel dreadful declining anything after I has accepted but maybe the old frind won't care.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2013 00:29

Your DD will have plenty of opportunities to attend the parties of her classmates. I think she would benefit more from going to the old friend's birthday. Also OP do you really think that she should let down her old friend because she has new ones?

Joiningthegang · 11/10/2013 00:29

I think yabu - the lesson you would be giving your daughter is that it is perfectly fine to dump someone if something else better comes along.

Although, i must say it also depends on the party your friend is having - is it a few friends (up to 10) type organized party, or a big hall type party where she would be barely missed.

Given it is this Sunday I would explain to dd that you already have plans and she should stick to what has been accepted.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:31

i wouldn't tell your friend the truth if you know she won't like it. Tbh I'd be a bit narked if an old friend had said her dc was coming to my dc's party then knocked us back last minute for something more preferable.

If you want to allow your dd to go to the school friend's party then I'd tell old friend a white lie and say she was ill. Leave it a couple of weeks before the dc see eachother in case your dd lets the cat out of the bag, but try to get the card and present to the child without your dd there as it will remind her of the occasion and she might blurt something out.

LackaDAISYcal · 11/10/2013 00:31

I'm having a similar issue with my DD at the minute as well coincidentally. She accepted an invitation to a party, and then I found out we had tickets to the MN Cloudy w Meatballs thing. She has decided, after a lengthy inner debate, to do the right thing and go to the party. I did give her the choice to cancel though, but explained that her friend might not be very happy she had changed her mind. She is 6.5 though so probably a bit more socially aware than a 4/5 year old.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:33

I don't see it as a white lie, I see it as a lie and I see it as teaching your DD that it's ok to lie if something better turns up.

Balaboosta · 11/10/2013 00:35

Poor form. Bad lesson for daughter. What are you thinking of?

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:36

Well a white lie is well-intentioned lie in the interests of tact, diplomacy and politeness so imo fits the bill here.

Original poster
Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:37

Both parties are big hall type things and my old friend has a magician booked. It's not so much ditching the old friend for better new friends I just want my daughter who is finding the whole "making new friends" thing a bit of a struggle to not miss this opportunity. I suppose deep down I also want her to go to this first party and be invited to others. If the situation was flipped I would be understanding ( I'm fairly easygoing) but my friend is less so. Really don't want to lie....I think once honesty is gone, the friendship is dead.....

Really appreciate all the input though....

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:37

And if you pretend your DD is ill how will you explain it if your friend pops round to see how she is or keeps her a party bag for later because she feels sorry that your DD has had to miss out on the birthday party.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:38

I'm not saying I agree with what OP is proposing mind, I just said if she decides to let her dd go to school party then a white lie will avoid hurting her pal's feelings.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:39

They all find new schools a bit of a struggle.
Lying to save someone's feelings is one thing, lying to get out of something because you'd rather be somewhere else is another.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:40

Well just arrange to see her in a couple of weeks. I don't know whether the popping in scenario is likely, the OP knows better than me Confused.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:40

Slippery slope imo, one lie always leads to another.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:42

"Lying to save someone's feelings is one thing, lying to get out of something because you'd rather be somewhere else is another."

Kind of both in this case.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:42

Okaaay.

Original poster
Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:43

She has actually been sick....ridiculously enough...which is why the invite's been sitting around since last Friday in her tray and this is so rudely short notice.... But I just can't lie (eventhough I'm all for the feelings' saving white lie every now and again). My 4.5 year old just doesn't get the social rules yet and I suppose I don't want to push the emotional guilt button in this situation.

OP posts:
YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 11/10/2013 00:43

How would you feel if it was your dd being let down and pushed aside because basically she is "old news"? I could never knowingly be so unkind especially to a child.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:45

Whatever, I don't like lies or liars, you can't trust someone if they lie to you.
If you really want her to go to the second one then tell your friend that.
Then your DD isn't going to have to 'remember' she was ill and had to miss the party when your friend asks her how she is now.