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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ready to be flamed.....

134 replies

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:20

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 01:29

Going to bed now. Thanks for all your advice will sleep on it....

OP posts:
SparkleSoiree · 11/10/2013 01:29

I was your friend in this exact situation a wee while back and everybody started to cancel (after RSVPing) until one person was left and attended my daughter's party. None of them were school friends as DD is home educated and the mums knew me personally. I felt very upset on behalf of my DD who had a lovely party laid on for the few children that were invited and it has changed a couple of friendships forever as far as I am concerned. I felt my daughter had been let down and it was horrible to see her trying to put on a brave face.

Good manners would mean you should not cancel one invitation to take advantage of a more favourable invitation.

Caitlin17 · 11/10/2013 01:34

Unaccepting an invitation you've already accepted just because something better has turned up, no matter what your age, is unacceptable behaviour.

FixItUpChappie · 11/10/2013 03:14

What if your not the only one ditching your old friends kid for a better option, out of laziness or whatever? Suddenly her kid is sitting there with no friends at their birthday - it DOES happen. How would you like that to happen to your daughter? Would you like to go to the effort to plan and organize something and have guests drop off like flies because - "oh well, its not big deal right?". Not to you anyway.

I think its a shitty message and very unfriendly of you. You know your friend will be hurt but are looking for a way to justify it....I think that is pretty unfriendly too.

fuckwittery · 11/10/2013 03:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckwittery · 11/10/2013 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BraveMerida · 11/10/2013 04:45

YABU

This is an opportunity to explain to your dd what the right thing to do is and why.

If my DD had the choice, she would be eating chocolates for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and would be doing zero homework....but she doesn't, because I'm the parent and she doesn't understand that she doesn't always know what's best for her.

kali110 · 11/10/2013 06:23

Tough spot to be in but think yabu if you cancel on your friend. It will teach your daughter bad manners and bad habits.
Plus big chance your dd will let cat out of bag if you see your friend after, or before!

PoisonousCentipede · 11/10/2013 06:47

Fuckwittery has it spot on.

Fakebook · 11/10/2013 07:13

YABU. You always go to the event you rsvp'd for unless its an emergency.

Also, do people really have stand by lists? Sounds horrible.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 08:13

Sorry OP I'd gone to bed. Also sorry but I agree with the other posters who say you should stick to your original plans and take dd to the party accepted first for the reasons outlined above by other posters.

The whole thing got a bit sidetracked by ways of trying to soften the blow if you were determined to cancel. Personally I would rather have someone bail out on me because the were 'ill' (whether the truth or not) than because they'd had an offer which was more appealing.
I think you should do the right thing. Honestly your dd will have loads of other class party invitations in Reception (my 5yr old is the youngest of three, I'm all partied out these days!).

HarryTheHungryHippo · 11/10/2013 08:32

I'd try and do both. Do they both start at exactly the same time? Surely there must be a bit of overlap for you to spend an hour at each. Maybe you could even go to old friends a bit early on top, let you dcs play together and help her set up?

Jollyb · 11/10/2013 08:49

I really don't see that missing a class party is going to affect her chances of making friends.

redskyatnight · 11/10/2013 08:55

At this stage in a Reception term, the parent of the classmate has invited everyone in the class as a politeness, and has sent the invites last minute because they don't actually want everyone to turn up.

I'm sure your DD would have a great time at both parties and it's just rude to cancel the acceptance already made. DD will have many more class parties - but limited opportunities to meet old friend.

If you're worried about DD making friends, a big party in a hall is really not going to help her - invite 1 or a small group of children round to your house.

Jinty64 · 11/10/2013 09:02

You have accepted the first invite and that is where you should go. Invite some dc's round after school or, if you work full time as I do, invite them to soft play, pictures etc at the weekend. She will soon make friends.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:04

This situation is one of my unmovables.
I think it is the height of bad manners to ditch an arrangement in favour of a better offer. Unless circumstances are exceptional, which they aren't here, you stick with what you agreed to do first.

I know loads of people who think nothing of ditching for a better offer, and they will lie, or just bare face it out unapologetically. I think those people will pass on the idea that it is fine to prioritise yourself and let other people down if you feel like, to their children.

Those values promote bad manners, lack of consideration, and selfishness. Not something I wish to teach my kids.

Buglugs · 11/10/2013 09:05

Unaccepting an invitation you've already accepted just because something better has turned up, no matter what your age, is unacceptable behaviour

I agree with this. You'll seriously piss your friend off by the sound of it. I've just had to cancel dd's first school party because she is ill. It's unfortunate but these things happen. There'll be others I'm sure.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:12

Lazy, we'll have to disagree then, but it wasn't the OP who suggested lying in the first place it was you who said don't tell your friend the truth.

The child wouldn't be making up the lie but I think you teach by example when they are small.

geekgal · 11/10/2013 09:16

It's just a bloody kids party, no one will care in six months, so do what your DD wants to do! Yes, for grown ups it is rude to ditch a PERSON but not a PARTY if something better turns up - seriously, if you'd agreed to go round to your friend's house with loads of other people to watch tv but someone else gave you an offer of a free jet to Paris and champagne cocktails with (insert name of favorite celeb here) you'd turn them down?

Also in twenty years time NONE of these kids will even know each other, so for the sake of getting along better every single day at school I'd say pick the second party, she won't be hanging out with the kid from the first party every day and the other kids at the second party will form groups that don't include your daughter if she doesn't. Etiquette unfortunately means nothing to 4 year olds, they won't care if she does the polite thing!

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:19

No, you're right geekgal, they probably won't know each other in twenty years time but the example you set in their early years means they will probably still be stitching their mates for something better even then.

Nothing means anything to a four year old socially, that's why we teach them manners.

fluffingtons · 11/10/2013 09:21

I think you should bite the bullet and tell your friend the truth. It sounds to me like you two are the friends here and your children are just chummy through you. I think it will be hard for your Daughter on monday morning at school when everyone else is talking about the party they all went to together. She's 4, she shouldn't have to 'do the right thing', as long as you are honest and maybe pop by later on to give a present and say happy birthday to your friends child then your friend should be satisfied you didnt just forget the birthday. The child will probably just be happy to get another gift! And i would also worry your daughter would gte pushed out if she only really knows your friends child. I went to a party for my niece recently and there was one little girl a year younger than the rest and she only knew my niece because their mums were friends. She looked so lost and out of place bless her.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:22

- seriously, if you'd agreed to go round to your friend's house with loads of other people to watch tv but someone else gave you an offer of a free jet to Paris and champagne cocktails with (insert name of favorite celeb here) you'd turn them down?

Well those would count as exceptional circumstances wouldn't they, so it's a moot point.

Two parties are like for like, and it is common decency to stick with what you agreed.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:23

Nothing means anything to a four year old socially, that's why we teach them manners.

Exactly!

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:23

Pictish, quite.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:24

Ha!