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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ready to be flamed.....

134 replies

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:20

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

OP posts:
comewinewithmoi · 11/10/2013 09:24

I would let dd go to her school party. She's just started, making friendships is important. You friend is an adult.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:28

Parties are neither here nor there when it comes to enduring friendships at school. They are a mish mash of noise and sugar, and no bonding takes place whatsoever.
Friendships are important, but whole class parties really and truly do not influence them.

kerala · 11/10/2013 09:28

Caitlin is right its shoddy to bail on an invite you have accepted because a "better" one came along. I was always taught this as a child and its stuck. I wouldnt want to be that person or teach my child to be.

I remember my friend who accepted a wedding invitation of an old school friend she didnt see often then was invited to a wedding of a much closer friend geographically nearer where all her other pals were going to be on the same day. Because she is honourable she went to the first wedding despite being gutted at missing the other one. She had been single for ages and at the wedding she didnt want to go to met her lovely DH Smile they now have 2 gorgeous kids karma!

There will be loads of parties. Missing one wont make much if any difference to your childs social development.

Mumsyblouse · 11/10/2013 09:30

All class parties as others have said, are not the best place to make friends. And making friends is not a one off thing that if they don't make friends in week 3 of their new school they will never have friends, children leave and join classes, friendships shift. You will have plenty of opportunities to ask children over for tea, have your own party and make friends that way and attend other parties.

Your dd is only going on about the whole class party as you have let her. The second you saw the date clash, you should have said 'but we are going to X's party that day, what a shame, perhaps we can have new classmate round for tea'.

I often ask old friends/friends of the family along to our birthday parties to keep the overall connection with the family/kids that is very easily lost. If they cancelled on me, I would be a bit annoyed really.

This is not debatable at all to me, but I understand your anxiety over your dd making friends, but relax, they really do and it's not all about one event in the first term.

MillyONaire · 11/10/2013 09:31

Go to the one you have committed to and invite the class birthday girl over for a playdate later in the week or next weekend.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:32

Or have a class party of your own for your own DD.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 09:34

Is this standby thing a new thing, I've never heard of it but it sounds awful.

geekgal · 11/10/2013 09:38

Ok, that example is a bit extreme, but think of it in adult work terms then - party 1 is an old work colleague who invites you out to hang out with your other old work colleagues (who you like but only really knew through your old job) and party 2 is a new work colleague at the place you've just started at that you're having problems adjusting to and forming new groups in order to one day gain a promotion? Again, you'd still choose party 2, and only a fool would flame you for that choice.

And I agree with fluffington, it sounds like party 1 kid isn't really that close to DD anyway and it's more the parents that are friends. In that case, again, you'd choose party 2 as it's unfair to make your kid miss out on a party they want to go to in order to go to one that neither of the kids are really that bothered about. Like she said, give her a present later, that's probably mostlywhat she's interested in anyway.

fluffyraggies · 11/10/2013 09:40

I second pictish.

If your DD was, say, 7,8,9 or up i would say perhaps attending/not attending the school party may have more influence over her friendships or bonding. At 4 i don't think it's going to make any difference either way. Honestly.

(and i know about little girls and schools and friendships - worked in a primary school + 3 teen DDs of my own Grin )

So i would say on this specific occasion you should honour your original arrangement.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:40

I know how I regard people that ditch for a better offer, and it is not favourable at all.

If someone does this to me or my kids (and it has happened) and the reasons are spurious, I just cease to give a fuck about them, and strike them off my list of people to consider.

There is an extra special level of contempt for those that make up lies, and offer them up by way of explanation.
Arseholes.

heartichoke · 11/10/2013 09:43

but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing"....

Why not? Do you want her to grow up to be rude and selfish? Surely it's our job as parents to forceteach our children to "do the right thing"?

I agree with fuckwittery about immediately pointing out acceptance of a prior invitation - and in similar situations in the past, this is what I've done.

Similarly to not wanting to lie, surely this is a social no-brainer?

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 09:45

Just got to whatever party you want and politely inform the other.

You're not teaching her social rules, your teaching the angst women tend to have when trying to be people pleasers. She's FOUR, it really doesn't matter whether she goes to one party or another. Why make it such a big deal?

geekgal · 11/10/2013 09:48

I don't consider this excuse to be spurious - if one of my friends said to me that their child was having problems making friends at school so they really wanted that kid to attend said party to try and make some then I would be ok with that. My friendship is already there, and I have enough of my own friends to not be too concerned if someone didn't come to my kids magic show - there will be other magic shows!

Gingersstuff · 11/10/2013 09:48

You're making this into a massive deal when it needn't be, OP. It's really simple. Tell your daughter that as you've already accepted the first invite, you'll be taking her to that party as anything else would be extremely bad manners.

There will be ample opportunities for her to cement her new friendships quite apart from birthday parties. Missing the second one will not scar her for life.

geekgal · 11/10/2013 09:49

PeppiNephrine FTW!!!

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:53

I don't consider this excuse to be spurious - if one of my friends said to me that their child was having problems making friends at school so they really wanted that kid to attend said party to try and make some

I do consider it spurious...and nowhere has the OP said her dd is having trouble making friends...you just made that up to back up your argument that it is fine to let people down and treat them as disposable.

pictish · 11/10/2013 09:54

And I know it's 'only' a kiddy party...but values are born from somewhere, and this is how it starts.
Do the decent thing from the outset, and those values will stick to your children.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 09:55

"Lazy, we'll have to disagree then, but it wasn't the OP who suggested lying in the first place it was you who said don't tell your friend the truth."

I suggested a white lie to preserve the friend's feelings if the OP was to cancel on her. That's all. OP said she'd rather be honest and tell friend the truth, that's entirely up to her.

In this situation I think it's about the adults appeasing one another. I'm doubtful the dd will take an important life lesson from this and remember it for all time. I can almost read her mind "Aargh, s'not fair, don't wanna go to that party, wanna go to this party! S'not fair!!!!".

I don't think the emotional maturity is there at 4 years old to understand the social etiquette side.

However I stick by my original assertion that speaking as an adult if I was the OP I would make my dd go to the first party - I couldn't bring myself to say to someone we're not coming because we'd rather be somewhere else. I wouldn't expect my dd to take much from it at 4 though.

I know people will now say these learning experiences are all incremental.

Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 09:56

Ok. I stuck with it as long as i could...
This really is not a drama laced with moral questions and angst.

Just make a decision and tell your child in a matter of fact, upbeat way.

If you don't stop handwringing about every nuance of which party to take your four year old to, life will be a fucking nightmare by the time she is 10.

You are the adult. Just decide in te full knowledge that no one involved will even remember in a months time - assuming they have any sense.

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:01

no idea what FTW means. Or why it necessitates 3 !.

It just does not matter. This board is full of women agonising over tiny imagined slights and unimportant dilemmas of their own making. We all do it. Why are we trying to train babies to do the same?

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:03

You're right Peppi - we should just doi what the fuck we feel like, and screw everyone else.
Good call.

I am not angsting or hand wringing over tiny thing...I'm just the sort of person who does what I say I will. Fancy that!

3birthdaybunnies · 11/10/2013 10:03

I tend to go by the rule that you go with the one you accepted first, but your friend might not mind if you explain to her, I personally wouldn't though.

I'm guessing that those of you astonished at reserve lists don't have dc with birthdays in Sept? Ds has just started a new nursery, we couldn't invite all the children he sees on different days, but wanted to invite those he got on well with. We didn't have a reserve list as such, but a few good friends were told about it initially, others we invited as he said he would like them to come. It might have looked like a reserve list (although we did explain to parents that it was because ds had asked for their dc to be there) was actually just that was how he was making friends.

When he starts reception he will probably know most children and will do a full class invite but it is hard when they have only just met each other to arrange a party.

I would maybe invite the birthday girl from the class back for a play date and maybe little present next week, but go to original party.

itsn0tmeitsyou · 11/10/2013 10:10

You're right PippiNephrine. No one should give a fuck about anyone or anything, just behave in their own selfish, self-centred ways pleasing themselves, and if some pathetic little losers are going to get upset about it then that's their problem. If we were all like that the world would be a much better place. Go you!

TerrorTremor · 11/10/2013 10:11

If your friendship is really turbulent then I would leave going to the party anyway. Unless your DD and her DD are very good friends, in which case I'd stick to that party because friends outside of school do have a tendency to last longer than just random friendships in school. This is in general though, not by all means scientifically proven.

When is your DDs birthday? If she does go to your friends party, couldn't she invite a bunch of her friends out to a fun party on her birthday to make lots of friends? That's if it's fairly soon that is, if it's in June that might not work quite as well.

papalazaru · 11/10/2013 10:14

Never 'trade up' - its very bad manners. There will be lots of other opportunities to socialize with the reception kids.