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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ready to be flamed.....

134 replies

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:20

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2013 00:45

Then don't. Be the adult and you make the decision.

Nombrechanger · 11/10/2013 00:46

I think it's very rude and hurtful if you turned your old friend down. You're insulting her child by choosing another kid over her.

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:46

She definitely won't pop over, our friendship has been turbulent in the last couple of years (rather not get in to it) but definitely still want us to have a relationship. Quite honestly, I'm realising this s more about OUR relationship in many ways rather than the party. First world problems......

OP posts:

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:48

Oh missed your update OP. Well if you don't want to do the white lie thing then yeah, tell her the truth but be prepared for her to be a bit hacked off.

Or just stick with the original plan and go to mate's party. Not all the class will be attending this party, and tbh you say the invitation came last minute, so maybe dd was on a 'standby' list and only got invited when others said they couldn't make it.

Pagwatch · 11/10/2013 00:49

I agree with Dionne tbh.

You are talking about this in really emotive terms as if your daughter will be burdened.

Why cn't you just say 'oh what a shame. We have already booked to go to xxx party. Still you will have a lovely time and we can invite xxx over to tea instead. Won't that be lovely. There are going to be lots of school parties....' and stop making it about her moral choices.

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:49

I honestly don't think her daughter will mind too much. She'll have her new school friends plus old nursery friends there and in some ways I'm also worried DD will feel the odd one out. We only get together once a month at most these days.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:52

You're right Lazygaga I think she was probably on the standby list which is why I can see why she wants to go. SHE doesn't realise there is a standby list but I do......just want her to make some friends.

OP posts:

May09Bump · 11/10/2013 00:53

I've always experienced its better to look after outside school friends more than school friends as kids / parents are always falling out in school and its better to have a broader range of friends in this circumstance.

I think it's quite rude to accept then ditch for another invite. It would be better to invite more kids to play after school if she is finding it hard to make friends. I do understand where you are coming from though.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:53

How old is your DD?

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:54

I have never heard of standby lists for children's parties, how sad to think you might be on one.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 00:54

Keep x posting here. Off to bed but I'm a bit that PP states lies are never good, liars are not to be trusted etc. I had a mid pregnancy bleed with dc2, very scary, had a night in hospital, everything turned out fine. My DM rang me later in the week asking if we'd had a good weekend, how was I so I lied and said all was well and we'd had quiet weekend. I lied because my DM would've worried herself sick and constantly stressed for the rest of the pregnancy. It was a white lie to protect her and doesn't make me a shitty, untrustworthy person.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:56

Hardly the same LazyGaga.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2013 00:56

Lazy, it is never good (or reliable) to teach a 4yo to lie.

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:58

She's 4.5 reelingintheyears too young to understand the social rules but I agree with a lot of the others...maybe she never will unless I start reinforcing them early. I just wish this situation was less emotionally loaded....it is just a party.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2013 00:58

OP, you say you want this friendship to continue. Please take Pags advice and tell your DD that as you RSVPd, you have to go.

May09Bump · 11/10/2013 00:59

God, standby lists - how depressing. I'm sure your LO will make friends - do invite kids back after school, it's easier to make friendships 1 to 1 anyway.

reelingintheyears · 11/10/2013 00:59

It's not just social rules though is it.
It's teaching her that lying is ok if you can get away with it.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 01:03

Yes well you're making blanket statements reelingintheyears so I'll throw the kitchen sink in.

Who's teaching the 4 yo to lie? The OP is not going to get her dd to phone up and make her excuses. I have a just turned 5 yr old. in a scenario like this she would forget completely about the mate's party and be entirely focused on the school one.

I've never said I agree with ditching the prior arrangement. However, OP was asking about the best way to approach it and said her mate would be upset if told the truth.

I've never said I agree with ditching the prior arrangement. Just repeating that to make my point.

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 01:03

Reelingintheyears I really have no intention to lie to my friend. I've always said that I would be honest with her...I just know that she'll be hurt rather than just seeing it as a way for my dd to make some new friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 01:08

Lazygaga you hit the nail on the head...she's excited about the new school party that she doesn't even think about her old friend's party. She just said to me after I explained that we'd already said yes that "it's ok we can give her her present next time we see her". How do you make a 4.5 year old understand that it's not about the present? I also keep coming back to that actually the kids are not going to let this effect their relationship but it could very well effect ours....

OP posts:

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 01:09

A 4 year old will not know about any excuse or lie. A 4 year old will not ask "What have you said to X about me not going to her party? I need to know what reason you've come up with in case I'm cross examined." A 4 year old will be entirely focused on doing the thing that appeals to them most.

I've never said I agree with ditching the prior arrangement.

Standby list - they're not a thing. Just seemed like short notice but then OP explained the invitation had been in drawer.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 01:10

Sorry OP X post again!

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 01:13

Looks like it's you and me Lazygaga...what do you really think? Can a party really mean so much to us adults because as you sort of said the kids are only focused on the present and will hardly notice.

OP posts:

Itsaboatjack · 11/10/2013 01:20

How far away are the parties? Is there anyway she can go to the old friends first, drop off a pressie, stay for a while and then go later to the new friends party?

Original poster

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 01:23

It's definitely possible Itsaboatjack. Just don't know how to split it as first half is usually fun and second is food. Feels a bit rude to drop in and eat.....

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