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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ready to be flamed.....

134 replies

Onlylonelymonster · 11/10/2013 00:20

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

OP posts:
PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:16

pictish, and the other one, its a childs birthday party. Chill the fuck out. Did I say we should ALL ALWAYS do as we like? no. Do calm down dears. Hmm

Would you really send a little kid to a party they don't want to be at while one they really do want to go to is on? Why? They aren't going to have fun. But at least your manners will be good? Great parenting there!

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 10:20

"There is an extra special level of contempt for those that make up lies, and offer them up by way of explanation.
Arseholes."

For fuck's sake.

Is everything in life laden with moral dilemmas, ethical quandries, lessons to be learned? Even a kid's birthday party. How bloody exhausting.

Fuck me. There's black and white and shades of grey in between!

CrapBag · 11/10/2013 10:21

YABU.

You want your DD to go to the second party so you are looking for validation that it would be ok to change your mind.

Its not ok, its downright rude.

So the whole class have been invited, they won't all be there. Maybe about half. This isn't some golden opportunity for them to all suddenly be best friends so stop thinking that it is. At this age, they won't remember who was at what party and all be talking about it after. DS has been to a few parties and they don't all go into school talking about it.

There is something going on with you and your friend. Tough. You accepted the invitation for your DD, you should stick to it. I wouldn't understand either in her shoes. It smacks of "we have a better offer so we aren't interested in yours now thanks very much."

Make a decision and stick to it. If you let your DD go to the class one, you aren't teaching her good manners at all but that's your prerogative I guess. And be prepared to not have much more to do with your friend, she may well see this as the nail in the coffin if the friendship is already drifting. If you weren't keen in the first place, you should have made an excuse not to go originally, not change it now.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 10:22

X post with Peppi.

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:22

Where does the OP say her dd doesn't want to go to the first party? The dd was quite happy to attend the first, before the second invite came along!

She would prefer to attend the second, which is quite different from not wanting to go to the first.

Well there are times we would all prefer to do something else, but we stick to what we agreed because we are not ill mannered arseholes.
Or at least, I'm not.

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:23

Ah, now I see. Is it yet another one of these terribly English horrors of appearing rude? Or saying that everything people do is rude?

How bloody tiring for you all.

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:23

"
Well there are times we would all prefer to do something else, but we stick to what we agreed because we are not ill mannered arseholes.
Or at least, I'm not"

Are you sure you're not? But you're older than 4, right?

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:24

lazy - I was referring to life in general there, not specifically kiiddy parties...but yeah they come under that bracket too.

Just do what you said you would, no matter what the occasion. It's really that simple.

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:27

Tiring...or considerate?

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:28

Really? So I said I'd have a coffee with you, but then I'm invited to a reception with the queen, and I say: no thanks, I'm busy!

People change plans all the time. Take the rod out of your arse and have a word with yourself.

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:28

Totally agree crappy.

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:31

Read the thread Peppi - I already said that exceptional circumstances such a tea with the Queen, would prevail.

Otherwise no. It's rude, socially inept and selfish, to ditch for better offer.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 10:31

Ok, that's your philosophy on life and you're entitled to it.

I'm the Machiavellian arsehole who suggested a white lie to keep the peace if the OP decided to cancel. And I'm quite happy with that!

Never the twain shall meet in this case.

LazyGaga · 11/10/2013 10:32

Tea with the Queen? You can shove that up your arse, I'd rather go to the kid's party Wink.

cheeseandpineapple · 11/10/2013 10:33

Would call old friend and after initial pleasantries to establish everything on track for party eg check if lots of people coming would say,

"something's come up which I wanted to sound out with you. An invite for a class party for exactly same time as your dd's party was sent last week but dd was sick so only just got it.Ordinarily I would just turn the invite down but dd has been finding it really tough to make friends and settle into new class so a class party might really help her with feeling more connected and settled with her class. Really annoying that it's at exactly the same time as your party as dd's been looking forward to it and don't want to let your dd down but was wondering how your dd might feel if dd goes to other party and we could have your dd over for a birthday tea separately so we can give her pressie or take her out for a treat to make up for it as really keen to ensure that dd maintains her old friendships too, feel lousy even raising it but wanted to sound you out and see what you think. Personally would much rather come to yours and catch up with you and everyone else but also thinking this might be a chance to help dd settle better at school, what do you think?"

Chances are your friend will give you her blessing even if deep down she's miffed but at least you've been straight with her. It can be tough when kids start school and parties do help break the ice, that said, there are bound to be plenty more parties which your dd will be invited to as class parties tend to be the norm when they're younger, partic in reception so it's probably not her only chance.

Just be sure it's not going to be a big let down to your friend's dd if your dd doesn't come along so if during pleasantries your friend says oh it's a nightmare everyone's cancelling, then don't say anything just ask her if there's anything you can bring and how much dd is looking forward to it. Only if it sounds like everything is on track and most of her good friends are going would raise the possibility of other party, if you really think it will help your dd...

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:33

I didn't even see your post suggesting the OP lie. I was talking about my own experiences there.
And yes - I think they are arseholes.

Viviennemary · 11/10/2013 10:34

She should learn good manners and go to the party she has accepted the invitation for.

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:34

How very exhausting it must be to be so rigid.
You're welcome to your own opinion though you might want to be a bit less proper, it's not the beacon of good manners you seem to think.

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:35

Me too lazy Grin

pictish · 11/10/2013 10:36

Oh I am far from proper Peppi - but I am considerate to my friends. Smile

CrapBag · 11/10/2013 10:36

Peppi if you think its ok to cancel on friends when a better offer comes along and everyone should be ok with it because we all live with rods in our arses and need to be more free and easy going then you are not a considerate person and clearly have no respect for people.

I certainly wouldn't be friends with people who think its ok to treat others like that.

mrsjay · 11/10/2013 10:40

well I think you are teaching your dd to be rude and you are not doing the right thing because you are now dismissing your friends party for some random school child just because you dont want your dd to miss out, I would be hurt and wouldn't understand if my friend did this to me, your dd has years of parties she is not going to be a social outcast because she didnt go to a school party,

mrsjay · 11/10/2013 10:43

and by nt going to the first party isn't appearing rude it is rude, it is saying well this is more important than that

pootlebug · 11/10/2013 10:43

Peppi your coffee v tea with the Queen analogy is missing the point. This is rather that you've arranged coffee with a friend and another friend that you're keen to get to know better asks if you can do coffee at the same time. Most people would say they had a prior arrangement, not cancel in favour of the better offer. Nothing to do with rigid rules, just basic politeness.

PeppiNephrine · 11/10/2013 10:44

If you don't read the posts don't comment on them. Especially with idiotic generalisations that say more about you.
I wouldn't want to be friends with people who get shreiky if kid doesn't come to their kids party for whatever reason. And I reckon all you "its rude" types do this anyway, you just justify it to yourself when you do it.

Hiding thread. You folks are too much like hard work.