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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings abroad

285 replies

FreeWee · 02/10/2013 18:05

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

OP posts:
wispywoo1 · 02/10/2013 18:14

YABU. You're not paying for the wedding, you're paying to go to the wedding. If I was getting married I'd want to do it abroad. It might be a case of either do it abroad or don't do it at all. Also the couple may think doing it abroad is a good way to weed out the purple who don't really care about attending.

Ragwort · 02/10/2013 18:16

Surely the easiest thing is for your DH to decline to be best man, did he know the wedding was abroad when he accepted the invitation to be best man?

All he needs to do is say, 'sorry, I hadn't realised the wedding was overseas, we will not be able to join you & I therefore cannot be best man'.

It would be mad to go into debt just to attend someone's wedding. If your friends don't understand that then they aren't really good friends are they? Members of my family have married abroad, we sent our apologies, no hard feelings.

WhyIRayLiotta · 02/10/2013 18:17

I want to get married abroad. I know that it is extra expense for guests (the very small number I will invite) But if they don't want to pay it they don't have to. It is an invitation not a demand. YABU.

also - a wedding abroad isn't nessesarily a cheaper option for the B&G!

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/10/2013 18:22

Don't go, problem solved.

Bearbehind · 02/10/2013 18:23

OMG wispywoo, I can't actually believe people think that way.

If it is a case of get married abroad or don't do it at all, the couple should opt for the latter every time if their guests can't afford to attend.

I hate weddings abroad unless it is just the couple attending and they don't expect others to go (unless they really want to)

WTF should anyone else have to spend their hard earned money and holiday time on going to a venue of someone else's choice?

Fair enough, if other people really want to go but they should not be expected to do so and it really shouldn't be viewed as an indicator of the strength of their relationship with the couple. The couple are testing that strength by asking IMO.

BrokenSunglasses · 02/10/2013 18:23

It's not just you. I think it's very selfish to ask someone to be a part of the wedding party without paying their costs, or at least waiting until they have accepted the invitation.

When you ask someone to be best man or a bridesmaid at a wedding abroad you are putting a lot of pressure on them and their family, and you put them in a position where they are going to feel bad if they say no.

Weddings abroad are a lovely idea, but when couples invite people to join them, to me it basically says that they care more about their venue than they do about the guests they want to share the day with.

OP, in your position, we would decline the invite.

SugarHut · 02/10/2013 18:25

Expecting a guest to pay for their travel and an overnight room when the wedding is a little drive away is fair. Making someone a major part of your day, then booking it in, say, Barbados and expecting them to pay for flights and their accommodation is just ridiculous. They are openly getting married there because it's cheaper to them, and getting the honeymoon rolled into the same package. It's a monster cost to you, for what, it's not your special day. There will be no big ceremony, no big party to enjoy. If it's a cheaper style beach wedding, it's 20 mins in a pagoda with hotel guests stood just out of shot in their swimwear.

If they are covering your costs, then it is fine for you to take the loss of earnings, a few days off, and go. That's a reasonable sacrifice. He's their best man, if they want him there then he should not be footing the bill.

BackforGood · 02/10/2013 18:26

YANBU if the B&G "expect" people to travel with them.
Some B&Gs are fine with understanding that it's not what you are going to spend your money on / go into debt for, others are not.
So it depends.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2013 18:29

Wispy woo: what a horrible, horrible thing to say!! They are a way to weed out the ones who don't care about attending?!

One of the most ignorant things I've ever read on here....

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2013 18:32

Bridezilla comments all over the place!

And I got married abroad myself!!!!

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle · 02/10/2013 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 02/10/2013 18:34

actually it is quite arrogant to assume that anyone cares about your 'public statement of a private intention' !! Couples should be delighted if anyone comes along and thank them for coming - which has been my experience at the last few I've been to.

If you happen to want and can afford a holiday at the venue, accept. Otherwise, decline politely, explaining why if you want to.

anyone who is offended because someone doesn't accept an invite to their wedding needs to grow up.

Panzee · 02/10/2013 18:35

I got married abroad because we wanted a small wedding and doing it in a different country was the only way we would get away with that. :o . But then we didn't do best man/bridesmaids etc so nobody felt obligated to attend.

SantanaLopez · 02/10/2013 18:38

Depends if said bride and groom will throw a hissy fit when no one wants to spend their two weeks of holiday a year at their wedding! Some people handle it well, others don't.

sue52 · 02/10/2013 18:42

I've been to a couple of weddings abroad. They were both second weddings where the couples had grown up children and older friends who would enjoy the country and venue. It would be a bit much to expect busy guests to plan childcare and their main holiday around the bride and grooms whims but for older/semi retired guests like me and DH, it's really rather pleasant.

wispywoo1 · 02/10/2013 18:44

Chill out. I said it 'could' be a reason for having their wedding abroad. some people come from large families and cannot afford the wedding they want whilst paying four their whole extended family to attend. There are several reasons for having a wedding abroad. If you cannot afford it simply say thanks but no thanks. You won't be the only ones.

ReginaldBlinker · 02/10/2013 18:44

YABU. I love weddings abroad. It gives me a chance to see a place I've normally never been before, or probably would never go to otherwise, with a group of friends that I don't get to see that often.

I'm off to two next week, one in Oz and one in SA. This is an amazing trip that I wouldn't have been able to do or wouldn't have ever thought of doing without my friends getting married, and I get to do it with all of my friends.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2013 18:45

Let's face it - it IS saving the bride and groom thousands, if it's just basically a 20 min ceremony tagged onto the beginning of the honeymoon (which they would have gone on anyway). That was the way i did it. We WANTED a very low-key wedding with minimal fuss but fancied having it in a nice place. I would never have dreamed of demanding that guests come to the Caribbean to fulfil those wishes!

I got the wedding I wanted and did not expect anyone to foot the bill of taking part. We did have an evening reception when we got back to the uk to appease the great aunties of the family but I felt embarrassed at the fact that a few guests weren't local and had to fork out for overnight accommodation and yet we hadnt provided them with a full day's proper wedding. Their call, of course, whether they wanted to pay to come just to an evening party and I would have understood totally if people had declined on the basis of it being a lot to pay out just to come to a party!

AcidNails · 02/10/2013 18:45

Bit of an assumption to make really, no?

We considered getting married abroad, for no reason other than the place is very special to us. I have friends who've married abroad to avoid the all to common family politics etc.

Granted, some people get married abroad for cost reasons, but even then - so what?? Not everyone wants hundreds of guests, and I'm quite sure that the majority plan an overseas wedding knowing that not everyone will be able to attend.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/10/2013 18:50

We got married abroad 20 years ago . We didn't particularly want anyone to attend. Our idea was to get married with two randomers on a beach. Anyone who wanted was welcome to join us. 17 people did Grin

quoteunquote · 02/10/2013 18:50

It might be a case of either do it abroad or don't do it at all

You don't make any sense wispywoo1

How could a wedding be cheaper to do abroad, than popping down the registry office?

Also the couple may think doing it abroad is a good way to weed out the purple who don't really care about attending.

That would be a very odd way to think, and anyone who does think like that is unlikely to have any friends anyway,

People not deciding to spend thousands and use up their holiday entitlements, doesn't mean they don't care, it means they are sensible adults who make choices that will not mean they run up debts.

Ragwort · 02/10/2013 19:24

Why is there so much angst about wedding invitations - the key is in the word 'invitation' - if the venue/date/child-free/dress/present arrangements don't suit you - you don't have to go - I have turned down a fair few wedding invitations in my time, I genuinely don't think people are that bothered - surely it's less expensive and so you almost expect a few non-attenders Grin.

I have said this before on Mumsnet 'it is an invitation, not a summons'.

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/10/2013 19:42

I haven't been to an abroad wedding and wouldn't be likely to be able to go to one for many years to come now (small DC, small disposable income).

DH went to one in Barcelona without me and the DC where the groom's family lived - but they created a weekend of events for the guests, and it's an Easyjet city with cheap hostels, so not the farflung Caribbean destination weddings as described above. They actually had a dual-location wedding as they'd been living in South America, so Barca was the "local" wedding as far as we were concerned! That kind of "city break" wedding is a different kettle of fish, IMHO as it is doable on a budget and with only as much time off work as a UK stately home wedding, for example.

I think brides and grooms who expect people to "just" arrange their annual holiday around their wedding are shortsighted - the timing of leave and cost of the holiday may be unrealistic for them even if that would be the kind of holiday they'd choose. But for many it would represent several years' worth of holiday budget, to go to a destination they aren't interested in. That's a big sacrifice.

Having the reception at home and inviting everybody is good though. Excluding people who can't justify thousands of pounds long haul from any part in your celebrations is bad form IMHO.

If you're having a private wedding and don't want any guests then it doesn't matter whether you're in Morecambe or Mauritius!

Original poster
FreeWee · 02/10/2013 19:44

Seems kind of 50/50 so I'm glad I asked. The 'invitation' came by text and included how much per person the accommodation would be. Initially we were told it was a 5 hour drive from the nearest airport so they recommended us driving (mainland Europe not Caribbean thankfully!) but being a researcher I've discovered it's not going to be that difficult to get a flight. Expensive yes, plus hire car, but driving from the UK was really freaking me out. Bride and groom and their family and friends are all very local (went to school together in our area) so going abroad is a stretch for everyone.

We don't have to go but it is DH's best friend so really we do have to go. And him going without me would only save a little bit (single person supplement etc) and cause a whole world of problems that wouldn't be worth it.

Just wondered really if being miffed that brides and grooms choosing to save money by getting married abroad and expecting their guests to pay for flights/travel and accommodation is a bit selfish? Feel a bit obliged because it's DH's best mate and he's best man. Been invited to others abroad in the past and declined for cost reasons. Can't really see that happening here as the real cost would be too big a price to pay. But just wondered if I was BU.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 02/10/2013 19:50

It's your decision OP but IMO if by 'the real cost' you mean your friendship with the couple, I think they have instigated the rift, not you.

If you really can't afford it, don't do it. If they are real friends, they will understand, if they aren't then it doesn't matter.

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