Weddings abroad

[FreeWee]

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

Better to be sensible than peeved I'd say.

True long standing friendships don't get rocked by one persons financial arrangements, go but stop moaning about if or making out they're bring unreasonable, it's your decision

Well if you have no choice but to go then your problem is with your dh IMO. Suck it up. Stick it on plastic and pay it off but don't blame your friend for her choice of venue.
It's not thoughtful to have a wedding that's so expensive for guests but the only reason you have to go is because you (or your DH at my best guess) want to.

It is unreasonable of them to dictate which hotel you should stay in to cover their costs. Definitely would not agree to that. Still think you should tell them asap that you can't make it so they can look for another best man.

I discovered after my son's wedding that people (family members) had been complaining about the price of drink & accommodation in the rather beautiful country house hotel which was the wedding venue. Cue BIL telling everyone that 'no way would he expect people to pay extortionate amounts for drinks at his daughter's wedding'.

His perception of extortionate prices is perhaps skewed by the amount of alcohol he puts away!

Two years later it is announced that DNeice will be married abroad.

Neither the destination nor time of year are what I would choose for a holiday but accept their choice and book flights & accommodation neither of which were inexpensive. The wedding was lovely and I'm almost over the fact that it had to be my annual holiday because of the cost. What does continue to rile me is BIL repeatedly telling people how they had a fabulous holiday and even taking in the cost of their accommodation the wedding still cost them far less than the equivalent in the UK and of course there was a free bar!

Well of course that made it so much more affordable. Prat!!

There was no need for anyone to stay in the wedding venue, there were a plethora of B&Bs around for those who wanted to stay but most of the family live less than an hour's drive away.

Peeved and resentful of Tunbridge Wells.

Was referring to DS's wedding ^^ in UK

cohenite

Horry I think that is the essence of it. Things are tight but we'll stretch ourselves because it's them so don't expect extravagant hen/stag do, present or yes that classic before the event dinner attendance. I'm moaning here because it would be mean spirited to moan in RL. I've brought it up with my DH and he's not keen to chat because I suspect he's doing that head in the sand thing where if you don't talk about it it will go away.

My original point on this thread was that I feel it's unreasonable for b&gs to pass on wedding costs to their guests by having a wedding abroad because it's cheaper for them but not cheaper for their guests. Give me an example where it's been cheaper for the guests to go abroad than it would have been in the UK? Yes guests don't have to go and there's been other weddings abroad we've not gone to. But passing on costs to your nearest and dearest (close family and close friends e.g. Best man) because you think they can afford it more than you (which if you knew the WHOLE back story is what's probably happening here) is a bit unreasonable. B&gs can have whatever wedding they like it's completely up to them and they can think about themselves as much as they like. But. When they invite people to be part of the ceremony then change the goal posts because they realise they can't afford what they want in the UK thus passing on the costs to people who are supposed to be their closest f&f is I feel a bit unreasonable. I don't think the b&g are being malicious or sneaky or anything like that. I think they think they're getting what they want, their f&f can afford it so why not? Well because their best man and his family can't afford it. I think they're being thoughtless rather than anything else. It genuinely hasn't occurred to them how we're going to pay to attend almost a year after DH's last pay cheque. And him getting a job at the end of it isn't guaranteed so we do need to have contingency money. I do appreciate all the comments as it does help me see others perspective. I'm also a lot clearer about what is getting my goat and how we can resolve it.

I do understand.
I spent 2k just to attend a relative's destination wedding in the Caribbean.
I could afford it (couldn't now with DCs) and i had a nice holiday but it still riled me. Not an island would have chosen and had to spend my holiday with family .
But if that came up now I wouldn't go because it wosecure an taking money away from things with/ for my DCs.
If my dh insisted we did that I might klb.
Luckily, for all that I grumble (Quite rightly ) he wouldn't do that.
Good luck with it freewee and try to enjoy it if you have to go.

You need to tell them. Don't spoil their wedding by letting this fester under the surface.

Is a UK wedding really so expensive that flights & accommodation elsewhere are cheaper??

Even if the B&G weren't trying to pass costs on, isn't a wedding abroad for a guest always more due to travel & maybe staying longer?

Plus there's time off work!

OP, I really don't understand why you're going-especially if you can't find cheaper accommodation.

I think you are going out of politeness and because you are afraid of upsetting them.

The bride and groom, meanwhile, should not be upset if their best man has no income and cannot afford to attend their overseas wedding. What they are doing is really unfair, and I think you're going just to please them.

I wouldn't go. Your credit card bill will last a lot longer than their wedding. It's unfair of them to ask so I'm at a loss to understand why you're going.

Also- remember that it will be about twice as expensive as you think it will be. If you can't refuse to go to their wedding, how are you going to refuse that expensive round of drinks at their wedding? or that big meal in the restaurant that they want you to go to? learn to say NO now, or you'll be paying for years.

You are resolving it by going into credit card debt. You two are as bad as they are, but far less sensible with money.

I think you're putting your friends before your finances and I think you always will because by going, you are enabling them to do similar again.

If my best friend asked me for a pony for her birthday that would be unreasonable and thoughtless.
If I bought her one that would be * stupid.

My original point on this thread was that I feel it's unreasonable for b&gs to pass on wedding costs to their guests by having a wedding abroad because it's cheaper for them but not cheaper for their guests. Give me an example where it's been cheaper for the guests to go abroad than it would have been in the UK?

Nobody has disagreed that obviously it's more expensive if people choose to accept the invite and make a holiday of it - nobody is holding a gun to your head, you seem set on making this their fault rather than blaming yourself/your DH for declining

If you want to be a martyr about it and then moan (and pay off your credit card) forever more then go for it

I'm also a lot clearer about what is getting my goat and how we can resolve it.

You can resolve it extremely simply, say no you seem scared of telling them the truth, are they really good friends or not?

You really don't have to go but if you have decided you will be going there is absolutely no point in having any of the conversations you or your husband planned to have with the B&G.

If they thought what they were doing was unreasonable, they wouldn't have done it so no amount of pussy footing around will change that and if you are going anyway, unless you emotionally blackmail them into paying for you, which makes you as bad as them, any conversation is a complete waste of breath.

The b&g have been completely unreasonable by asking your DH to be best man at a UK wedding, then changing their minds and telling you how much their wedding abroad will cost you and how many days you have to be there for.

However, the fact that you find it necessary to compensate for their shitty behaviour in order to continue the friendship, by doing exactly what they want you to do and by getting into debt and seriously compromising your family's financial security in doing so, makes you the complete idiots, not them.

Bearbehind- agree with this post and your earlier one too.

Who's the fool? the fool with the exorbitant wedding or the fool who goes to it?

Expense wise it is no cheaper for a couple to marry abroad than marry here. It is however somewhat more romantic to marry cheaply on a beach than marry cheaply at a register office.
As for transferring the costs to the guest yes there is a bit of that but it only becomes a problem when they get funny if you cant afford to come, especially if you are a very close friend or part of the wedding party. 'Can't afford it' is often seen as an easy excuse, especially in the eyes of the couple who are all wrapped up in the 'we are getting married everyone be happy for us' mentality.

OP

YABU. People (in general) seem to forget that a wedding is about what the bride and groom want. Anybody who has a problem with it doesn't have to go - problem solved.

Personally I always loved the idea of a wedding amidst a holiday with guaranteed sunshine and completely dodging the speeches/dramas with great aunts you never normally see and the crap disco at the end - and for DH & I (and our close friends/families) it couldn't have gone better.

Each to their own, etc etc - all you have to do is be upfront if you don't think you can afford the expense, or just don't want to go for whatever reason. When we got married some friends came, some didn't, for various reasons - we didn't mind at all

I agree we are idiots for putting up with this but I think because the bride has form for hair brained ideas neither my DH nor I genuinely thought this wedding would actually be abroad. Till we got the text that they'd booked it. See the earlier post about doing up the house but not doing it up. She barely ever follows through on anything. So with hindsight we should have said something earlier when the idea was mooted but my DH didn't want to cause a fuss about something that was unlikely to happen. Except it did and his bluff has been well and truly called. He is now scared of saying to them "Errr hang on, we didn't actually think you'd do this".

Yep we are totally enabling them, particularly the bride who does has form as in a previous example re sleeping arrangements. But DH's best friend is marrying her and to get along we'll go along with it. There are many, many examples where I've got into arguments with DH about pandering to their behaviour and sometimes he tells them how he'd like things and sometimes he tells me I need to suck it up. This is a suck it up occasion of massive proportions but one, with hindsight, of our own making because we should have said when they mooted the idea that it would be out of the question for us. We really thought it was a stupid idea they'd realise was stupid and not actually do. Now the bride is moaning on FB about how difficult it is planning a wedding abroad!!! Forgive me if I don't give a shit.

You seem to have chosen to make martyrs of yourselves by going into debt. But at least you can enjoy bitching about the bride forever more

Erm, so you did know there was a possibility it would be abroad all along, they haven't sprung it on you at all

Well you can just say "Sorry, only looked at our budget when you gave us the price. We really can't afford it. Have a lovely time, will see you when you get back etc."

You are allowed to not care, but you won't get much sympathy when hundreds of people have advised you on how to politely decline.