Weddings abroad

[FreeWee]

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

I'm neither for nor against destination weddings-to each's own and all that. Particularly if it's something cool...like an ancient ruin or...with turtles or something.

But the whole idea is having a wedding and honeymoon rolled into one, right?

So why have a honeymoon with friends and family? Everyone knows why you're late to dinner. ..AWK-WAAAARD...

bumperella her true colours certainly came out during that wedding. Even after pissing off half of her invitees because they didn't attend, she then posted a list on facebook of everyone who was invited, didn't attend, but hadn't sent her a gift. She then put up a second list which was those who did make a contribution to her wishing well and how much they contributed. Tagged everyone. Classy.

YABU. What about people who get married in a hotel with an expensive bar! Or somewhere you have to pay for parking?

If you can afford it, go. If not, don't.

X post, very mature and reasonable OP, swallow those grapes and have a lovely time!

expat he agreed before the venue being abroad was even discussed. Initially it was to be a typically British wedding but then dreams of overseas venues took over. Would be pretty petty saying I'll only be your best man if you have it in the UK." Best man with strings attached isn't really in the spirit of things.

I'm happy that some think I am BU and some think I'm not. It's a bit whingy of me really because DH will have had no income for 12 months so it'll be the biggest of big stretches. But we're very happy they're getting married so I guess I can vent on MN a little about being a bit peeved they've shifted the cost to us but ultimately I'd only be shooting myself in the foot if I went with sour grapes as it'll be our family holiday next year so I will definitely make the most of it. It's not actually located anywhere you'd want to go on holiday (random venue in the middle of the country) but I will employ my research skills and find somewhere not too far away to have our holiday.

I can't spend £5000 in a bar at a wedding these days
But an overseas holiday can easily cost that.
And it takes at least a week out of your annual leave to attend.
And you're on holiday with family and friends.
Weddings are such a stress. Even my own tbh.

freewee if you can make it your family holiday that's great.
Moan away.

I think the fact they asked your DH to be Best Man then decided the wedding was to be abroad 'is not in the spirit of things'

They are totally taking the piss IMO. Fair enough if they asked him to be best man, changed the venue to being abroad but offered to pay for you all to attend but it is a pretty low shot to effectively hold you to ransom like they are doing now by making you feel obliged to pay for your attendance at their wedding.

It sounds like you've decided to suck it up which is your choice but personally I would be questioning just how good a friend who thinks it is acceptable to ask this of you all is, particularly when they presumably know your DH won't have been earning for a year.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is just the start of some pretty impressive Bridezilla behaviour. Any mention of a foreign Stag do yet..........?

Yes bearbehind being best man at a local wedding is a different sort of commitment from being bm at an overseas wedding.
An overseas stag/ hen would infuriate me.
Freewee what does your DH think?

OP YANBU

I think if the bride and groom want to get married abroad, then fine.

However, where it gets very tacky is when they pressure guests and family to go. That's massively unfair and does not take into account that people are being expected to use their annual family holiday budget up, or their annual leave, or that maybe only one of them can afford to go.

Being invited to a wedding is not an enormous privilege that must be met at any cost and it's more than OK to say, "sorry we can't make it but have a great day"

I just think the whole things ends up as a test of friendship and finance.

Get married abroad if you want, but don't expect all your guests to join you, and don't give them a hard time if they can't.

My wedding next week is overseas. We wanted to be overseas as the location is special to us, and because of family issues (his dad died earlier and he doesn't have any other family bar his mum, my family is enormous and my grandmother really should be featured on the relationships>Stately Homes thread), we wanted to keep it as small as possible.

Absolutely no presents. Barring flights (£50, and half of the people coming would have had to fly to the UK anyway), the costs to guests are pretty much the same as a hotel wedding here. It's a weekend break, not a 2-week extravaganza with everyone we know. So nope, I don't think I'm passing any of my costs onto my guests. I've spent more going to a stately home wedding of a cousin than my dad is spending on attending mine.

It did seem a bit cheeky that the 'invite' via text included how much the accommodation was quite apart from how much it'll cost to get there. But I guess they sweetened it with saying we were on the 'A' list for staying at the venue. DH is a bit nervous we'll need to make a decision quickly as he doesn't do quick decisions but also we can't stump up any cash immediately. He wants to go of course but does think it's slightly ridiculous they're doing it abroad as they originally wanted (in their words) a typically British wedding with afternoon tea etc. We thought this idea would be eventually discarded as the bride does have form for hair brained ideas. But they've booked it it would seem. It did make me chuckle when she was whinging on FB about the massive long return journey they were going to have to do went they went to check out the venue. I thought 'yep, and that's what you and all your guests will have to do next year' Thinking about it, if they've hired the venue and the rooms for exclusive use, shouldn't they be footing the bill for the best man and his family to stay? This is evidence of shifting the cost to the guests I feel.

The bride does have form for being bridezilla-y. She sent out a command message on FB to her MIL and bridesmaids basically summoning them to view yet another dress. Made me cringe anyway. She also has a blog. Lives her life on FB. Well enough bitching from me! Operation Start Sucking it Up needs to commence ASAP.

Sounds like 'Operation Start Sucking it Up' is going to be very hard work.

What a prize bitch the bride sounds.

I wouldn't be flattered at being on the 'a-list' I'm pretty sure that will extend as far is it needs to in order to make up the numbers.

You are quite right, if you hire a venue for your exclusive use, you should foot the bill. It would be very funny if everyone declined their 'text' invite (wtf?) and they ended up having to pay for the whole thing themselves or cancelling it.

I am a very strong believer in having the wedding you can afford and not expecting guests to foot the bill for your 'fur coat and no knickers' ideas.

Has the stag do been mentioned? As best man your husband will not be able to get out of that and if the groom has saved a load on his wedding costs (by getting the guests to subsidise it) he may well be wanting a huge stag weekend/ week somewhere, maybe abroad. Wouldn't that be the straw that broke the camels back if you can't really afford the wedding?

I always thought that weddings abroad were the way to avoid having a "cast of thousands" and primarily only involved the couple getting married. I think it is very rude indeed to invite guests to a wedding abroad & expect them to pay for travel & accommodation in addition to having to take days off from work etc. Fine if the bride & groom invite & pay for everything, not at all fine otherwise.

We got married abroad but made it very clear we did not expect anyone to come. We paid for a reception in the UK afterwards. It wasn't just a money thing, it was due to comlicated family issues with DHs parents mainly.

We wanted to have a holiday with the children so combined a wedding/holiday, it therefore only cost about £5k more than just the holiday in the end including the recption at home.

I don't think anyone felt obliged to come, although 19 friends and family chose to. I would think anyone who arranged a wedding abroad and then expected people to go must be extremely selfish!

BTW we didn't send invites though, it was just people saying they wanted to join us.

Fine to get married abroad if you don't expect people to come, and won't sulk if they don't want to.

Otherwise not fine at all. Beyond selfish and arrogant to think that your friends are happy to shell out a fortune and use a shedload of their annual leave just to attend your big day.

Well, if you consider it unreasonable or cannot afford it , then don't go. We'll all have different opinions, but we're not invited to this wedding. My view is that if you get married abroad and won't pay for your guests then you have to be prepared to have just the bride and groom there, and you cannot justifiably get arsey when people can't come. If the bride and groom are from different countries then between them and their families they'll need to figure out the compromises.

The real cost isn't falling out with this couple- if they fall out with you because you cannot afford to pay for their extravagant wedding arrangements, then they aren't friends. Based on what you've said, the danger is that the real cost for you is your DH not being able to afford course fees or expenses, and that your household finances could be severely compromised if anything affects your income while DH is a student and you've maxed out your cc and spent your savings.

Personally I'd put future financial security ahead of going to a wedding that you're going to complain about anyway.

Inertia I know what you mean although I am trying hard not to complain. I certainly won't ruin the wedding/ holiday as I'm sure I'll have got it out of my system by then.

Contrastingly the groom is very low maintenance like my DH. All he wants to do is go camping in the UK. Which is a bit too back to nature for my DH who'd rather they static caravanned it instead so he gets a bed, a shower and a fry up in the morning! Goodness knows what the hen do will involve but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

My feeling about the bride is she has big ideas but never follows through on things. Her and her STBDH offered to do up a relative's house if they lived there rent free and shared in the profit. Was win-win for both as it had lain empty for ages. Started a blog about doing that up. Ripped it apart but never got round to improving it. Then moved out. She's nice enough but does come across as quite inward looking and doesn't think about the impact on others. She admits she's high maintenance about her STBDH. Until about a month ago she would plead with him on FB to come home to do the washing up so she could make a cup of tea or dinner. Her response when people said 'Er have your hands fallen off?' Was "I don't DO washing up". I think enough people told her to man up she started doing it.

I think she's a bit of a dreamer who's dreaming about her dream wedding. But is not particularly going about it in the right way. You're allowed to be selfish when it's your wedding but not at any price. Especially one being paid by your friends. Yes we are concerned about paying £9k tuition fees and a foreign holiday. We've not had one this year and wouldn't next year except for this. It's difficult too because if we want to stay at the venue I have a feeling it's for the full week or not at all. It is literally in the middle of nowhere which attracted them. With an 18 month old? Not much fun. So do we book for the whole week and suck up the cost despite actually staying somewhere else except for the night before and after the wedding? Or do we book somewhere else for the week before then a nearby (but not the venue) place for the night before and after? My worry with the latter is it's in the middle of nowhere so unlikely to be nearby places. But will have to do my research before knocking that idea on the head totally. DH is worried they won't give us time to scope out what's best for us. Will broach the idea with DH tonight that perhaps they should be paying for our accommodation given a) he's best man b) it's abroad so we'll be paying travel costs c) they'll have exclusive use anyway so are they trying to cover the cost through their guests? Which was my initial AIBU thought.

Honestly, don't bloody go! I would have no qualms about turning this wedding down (even if DH was best man) as this is not what he signed up to when he first agree to be best man.

Given your financial circumstances, do not go if you can't afford it. And if you can afford it, have a holiday of your choosing instead! Besides, the bride sounds a total tit .

You realise if you go for a week beforehand and stay at a different venue, it's probably going to cause WW3!

You say, 'NO, I can't afford it. I have a family now.' Very, very easy.

I wouldn't go. This is beyond what I would consider reasonable to ask someone to fit in for a wedding. Shelling out money you don't have to travel somewhere you don't want to go to and then being expected to pay for accommodation for a week? Just no.

I would be angry that someone thought it was reasonable to even suggest that tbh.

I think the people they want in the wedding party should be paid for by the bride and groom - or they could invite first and choose wedding party out of those able to travel abroad for their wedding.

I'm afraid despite my grumblings we will be going. I just have to work out how to make the most of it. I think broaching them paying our accommodation costs has been great advice from this thread so thank you. Is it drip feeding if I say the groom was best man at our wedding and has known my DH since primary school? DH would rather die than we not go. They're that close. He's caught between a rock and a hard place really.

' DH would rather die than we not go. They're that close. He's caught between a rock and a hard place really.'

No, he's not. When you don't have the money, you don't have it. And when you're that close, you can be honest and upfront, 'Sorry, but I can't afford to go out there.'