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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings abroad

285 replies

FreeWee · 02/10/2013 18:05

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

OP posts:
Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 07:22

Oh I know. I was trying to imagine getting my dh to use the subtle approach Grin.
All you can do is be clear with him. Model the behaviour you need to see and don't get caught up in making negative comments about his friend or the bride as it could make him defensive.

TenaciousOne · 04/10/2013 08:18

We got married abroad but didn't invite anyone except my family who lived in the country we were getting married in. I was over the moon when my best friend said she was coming, genuinely didn't expect any friends to come due to expensive and time. We then had a celebration when we got back. None of DH's family came to either, money was not an issue I'm sure it was a statement but really don't care.

CerealMom · 04/10/2013 08:59

As your DH and his friend have been friends since primary, then DH should be able to have this conversation with him. Go out for a drink, have the conversation. "Sorry mate, I agreed when I thought the wedding would be in the uk. We just don't have the money at the moment for an abroad trip. I hope you understand".

You say this will wipe out savings. Think about the what if's - what if the car needs fixing. What if I get made redundant. What if mortgage rate moves/repairs on house etc etc etc... Stupid stuff like dental work not covered by NHS, new washer/dryer, it happens.

You'll be spending the year leading up to this worried about money and the day/week resenting every penny spent.

And to text you this - lazy invite and easier for them to get away with a very cheeky request.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/10/2013 09:10

Op, if your DH won't talk straight with his friend, can you do it (the straight talking)?

I think you would be made to go given your financial situation.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/10/2013 09:10

Oops - meant would be 'mad' to go, not 'made' to go..

post · 04/10/2013 09:23

I had 2 friends marry in a European country, as that's where one of them was from, and they

Booked out a big youth hostel type place with a hall attached so all the English guests could stay there, paid for by the b&g, and the reception was there. It was simple, and we all mucked in with helping with setting out tables and chairs, breakfast etc, although the had caterers for the evening meal
Booked a coach from the airport to the reception venue, and from the venue to the registry office so that we all travelled together, again paid by them

Our only cost was the easy jet flight, and they arranged that everyone knew which flight to get so about 30 of us got the same flight
They did ask, IF anyone wanted to give a gift, for a contribution to the honeymoon, and under the circumstances I was very grateful to be able to pay them something for an amazing, affordable, weekend away with loads of my dearest friends.
They couldn't have been more generous and considerate. It wasn't a posh 'dream venue', but it was one of the best weddings/ parties/ times ever.

ZingWantsCake · 04/10/2013 09:26

we got married in Hungary because I'm Hungarian.

I the best man had said he couldn't go due to costs DH would have chosen someone else.

you don't have to go you know

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 09:32

The thing is, different events are attractive to us at different times of our life.
When dh and I were young DINKIS the idea of a wedding in Europe would have been great. Fun, excuse for a minibreak etc... But now we have 2 small DCs and zero childcare even an overnight in the uk is too much for us to manage.
When ppl a planning their wedding, especially if they don't have any kids, it's just that they often don't think about all that. They don't have to. That's our/ your responsibility. Don't get cross with them for asking, just be upfront about not being able to/ wanting to go.

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 09:34

So awkward Zing Grin
Cake

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 09:34

OP, this bridezilla really is taking the piss here.

I get the impression the groom is just going with the flow for an easy life so he is unlikely to be unreasonable if your DH tells him you can't attend due to finances and he really should tell him.

The coup,e have moved the goalposts by changing from a UK wedding to a ceremony abroad, so you are entirely justified in saying you just can't do it now.

I do think they should pay for you to attend. I know others disagree but I believe that if you have a wedding somewhere that the majority of people can get to easily and where there is a choice of accommodation in various price brackets, then it's fair enough to expect people to pay for themselves.

As soon as you go down the route if hiring a venue for exclusive use, ie there is a fee to pay and your fee will be reduced if others contribute, then you are totally abusing your friends good nature. In that situation I think you foot the bill or choose another destination.

You would be insane to use all your spare cash on this wedding and it will likely taint the friendship anyway. As you said, it's not how you want to spend that money and that will be pretty hard to ignore.

Not paying anything in the foreseeable future is a good plan whatever you decide to do as it does seem to me to be quite probable that this wedding might not even happen. Losing the money completely if their plans changed would be the ultimate insult.

ZingWantsCake · 04/10/2013 09:44

what's awkward Ams?

elQuintoConyo · 04/10/2013 10:07

Decline. Decline. Decline.
And move on.

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 10:25

I was joking Zing Blush

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 10:26

You know, awkward what wirh you being forrin. Grin Blush

ZingWantsCake · 04/10/2013 10:35

aha!

Grin
MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2013 12:21

"Sorry mate, I agreed when I thought the wedding would be in the uk. We just don't have the money at the moment for an abroad trip. I hope you understand".

What Cereal Mon said^^

If the Groom is such a good friend he would understand.

It sounds like the bridezilla is a spoilt bully who will play hell if she doesn't get her own way. She always will be if people keep trying to please her.

This is not your job. You don't have the money. You can't go. Keep your ISA for family emergencies. Your DH will just have to feel bad for a bit and that's that.

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 12:37

zing it's been toooooo long!

Original poster
FreeWee · 04/10/2013 13:06

All fair points so thank you. The bit about us paying which ultimately reduces other people's cost for me seems to be the crux of my AIBU. I feel we're subbing the b&g at a time we can't afford to do it. It would be bloody cheeky at any other time DINKys or otherwise but at least affordable. They are DINKys so don't appreciate the time of our life when our DD is our number 1 priority and paying for us to have a roof over our heads and food on our table is a real issue.

post your wedding example obviously left a lot of goodwill as not only did you give them a gift, you posted on a forum to tell people how well you thought it had been handled. I'm posting to say how badly I think this is currently being handled. DH and I have agreed not to hand over any money till I go back to work which buys us time. We are going to propose the 3 night stay to let them know we won't be there the whole week (whether they were paying or not) and then over the next few months till I go back to work DH will subtly (I know sorry therealamandaclarke!) suggest they could pay for our room in lieu of perhaps a gift to the best man or just generally to help a very good friend who is currently not able to afford it. I do know the bride relatively well and so at the next opportunity will let her know that them having a wedding abroad next year isn't great timing for us. That's not their fault, that's just life. But if they could swallow our accommodation costs into their venue hire budget then it would be appreciated. In the meantime over a beer my DH will tell the groom that being a student with not only no income for a year but also having to pay £6k in fees whilst his wife is on maternity leave is leaving us pretty hard up. That even when I go back to work we will only be covering the essential bills and hopefully not still eating into our savings. We will not be building up savings to pay for a holiday abroad and so any outgoings for that will be coming out of savings already depleted between now and going back to work. If THAT doesn't make it clear that us paying for our own accommodation is a cheque too far then I will spell it out to the bride in black and white. She really is oblivious although I personally don't see her as a bridezilla because she's like this not just when planning a wedding. She's genuinely not a bad person but thinks of herself more than others. Next summer is just the killer time for us to be paying out a big chunk of money and I'm sure I can make her see that given time.

OP posts:
theoriginalandbestrookie · 04/10/2013 13:13

YANBU. It's a bloody imposition to ask your mate to be Best Man then lumber him with a cost of thousands.

Now is not the time for your DH to play softly, softly catchee monkey. His pal will probably just think he is hinting for a free beer, rather than talking about the wedding.

You can't ask for your room to be paid for, that's even worse etiquette than having the wedding abroad in the first place.

Bottom line is your family is in no position for any of you to be going to a wedding abroad. If your DH is unable to discuss it directly with the groom-to-be then it falls to you to talk to the bride. I'd leave out all the back story and why you can't afford it, the simple fact is that much as you would love to be there, you simply can't and your DH is worried about letting his friend down.

meganorks · 04/10/2013 13:15

I sort of get where you are coming from as I have often heard people saying 'oh it was cheaper to get married abroad'. What they mean is they couldn't afford the wedding they wanted at home with all the friends and relatives they feel they need to invite. But obviously it is much much more expensive for the guests. So if I heard them saying that in front of me I would think they had a bit of a cheek!

CuChullain · 04/10/2013 13:24

I am getting married in the south of Italy next year. There are several reasons for this:

My folks have lived in the village we have chosen for over 20 years

It is a beautiful 15th century setting

The weather is virtually guaranteed to be sunny

A stunning four course menu has been put together at cost of about 25 euro a head

The cost of wine is a faction of what it is in the UK

Cost of accommodation is very reasonable compared to the UK

Its a bit of a fuck you to the crippling cost of the UK wedding industry

Fringe family members (some cousins and uncles) who never bother to return calls or get in touch normally but who usually show up to such events and drink the bar dry without even saying hello will not bother getting on a plane

Plenty of other activities and sights for guests to see/do outside of the wedding day.

Downsides being:

Guests will have to fork out on flights and accomodation although we are providing transfers from the airport.

Beastofburden · 04/10/2013 13:32

Chu don't you feel a bit guilty expecting your guests to pay out so much? if you had to pay for their flights it wouldnt be cheaper.

You might as well have a UK wedding and charge people £250 a head entry fee Hmm

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 13:35

I agree that you can't actually ask them to pay for your room, they absolutely should have offered and should not have texted you the costs but asking them to pay is also pretty bad form.

Just tell them you can't afford it, if they offer to pay then great, if they don't you know where you stand. It's not exactly a secret that things are tight if you are on maternity leave and DH is studying- they are being incredibly thoughtless to not see that.

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 13:38

That epitomises the poor attitude of some couples in my opinion Guests will have to fork out on flights and accommodation

Why is that acceptable? It's your wedding day, people want to share your big day with you but that shoud not mean they have to spend a fortune doing it.

Hulababy · 04/10/2013 13:39

I got married abroad.
We told people we were going to so such that and booked. They could have come if they wish, but we didn't send out any formal invites or ask people to come. Infact, it was just me and DH who went. It was a lovely intimate service, just as we wanted. It cost nobody aything, bar me and DH. We had a blessing and party on return and invited family and friends.

My sister also married abroad. Again - no formal invites, though again it was known to be a general invite if anyone could/wanted to come. We did go, along with DD who was a bridesmaid. My parents also went, as did my brother and some of their friends. BIL's family chose not to come. It cost us a lot of money to attend but it was entirely our own choice and there was no pressure put on us. Again there was a party for family and friends on return.