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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weddings abroad

285 replies

FreeWee · 02/10/2013 18:05

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 13:47

hulababy both those weddings sound perfect. I can totally see that marrying abroad is a great idea for some couples, particularly if you have complicated family situations, but guests should not feel pressured to attend.

Texting someone the costs of attending your wedding (which actually turns out to be 50% of the total cost of the venue hire) and just assuming they'll happily pay it, even when you know things must be tight for them, is lower than a snakes belly IMO.

CuChullain · 04/10/2013 13:49

@astofburden

Not really, without wanting to sound smug all the family and guests are in a position of affordability. Most have already been to the place already on seperate holidays and love itl, in fact we were actively being encouraged to have it there as people are tagging their summer holidays on the end of the wedding. The invites went out almost a year in advance so people could get cheap flights and we know most of hotel owners already who have put on a discount rate. Of course it still involves guests to put their hands in their pockets but it is not costing £000s. It is not a huge ceremony, only about 40 people.

Obviously, if we suspected that cost would be an issue for the most people we would not have organised it there but we have been reassured that this is not the case.

CuChullain · 04/10/2013 13:52

@Bearbehind

"That epitomises the poor attitude of some couples in my opinion Guests will have to fork out on flights and accommodation"

Its a figure of speech Bear, people dont have to do anything, its an invite not a court summons.

Beastofburden · 04/10/2013 13:53

chu that sounds fine then- and have a great time

I am sure you agree that where there is a problem, as with the OP, then it's unfair of the bride and groom to stick their head in the sand and pretend it will go away?

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 13:55

Fair enough chu your follow up post does makes it sound lovely and it's clear you haven't expected loads of people to do things they can't afford to do

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2013 14:23

OP- I think you're approach is too indirect.

You just need to say you can't afford it. The money 's not there. I don't think dropping hints is going to work.

I still think it's a shame when people get married abroad. It's a little bit like saying you can't come if you haven't got childcare/lots of spare money/ passports/spare annual leave.

Having said that, it is a B&G's prerogative to go off and elope and I do think it's lovely if they throw a little party for the non attendees when they get back.

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/10/2013 15:11

Angel people rarely come onto MN and ask how they should respond to a generous, sensible wedding invite. They come to ask for help in how to handle the most demanding of invites which they rally don't want to accept.

Op you woks not be unreasonable in declining on financial grounds. Your dh could say that he had a budget of x (a bit less than you can afford) to come to the wedding and whilst a local wedding would have been fine he can't afford a foreign one.

There are two reasonable types if foreign weddings: the ones when you want it to just be the two of you (like my fil's second wedding next year) or where one part is from a different country in which case few guests from the side that have to travel will be expected, but the couple can't not force half the invited guests to travel.

Expectations of a massive group of british family and friends travelling thousands of miles on their own expense are unreasonable.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 15:14

Stop pussyfooting around, Free. How silly! If your DH is too much of a wet girl's blouse to say it directly, then you do. 'We can't afford to go to wedding.'

BackforGood · 04/10/2013 15:28

I agree with MissBattleAxe and Expat - If I were you OP, I would assume that 'hints' are not going to be heard.
Ideally, your dh needs to speak to groom as suggested ^ "Sorry mate, when I agreed to be Best Man, I assumed the wedding was in the UK. We just don't have the money to be spending a week abroad next year. Sorry, if the wedding is abroad then I'm going to have to step down"
If he won't, and it were me, then I'd say it that clearly now.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 04/10/2013 16:05

Tbh OP I think if you go down the hinting/subtle route before saying you can't afford it you're being unfair to the bride and groom. At least if you're upfront from the start it gives them time to decide if they want to pay for you to go or choose another bm.

KedenTTC1Cycle3 · 04/10/2013 16:17

I haven't a problem with weddings abroad or weddings in general, as I can always decline. I think people sometimes this is an option

We were invited to 2 this year, both in Mexico. We went for one & I was happy to be there & didn't mind the cost. Especially as they'd sent out their "Save the Dates" 1.5yrs in advance = loads of time to plan for it.

Other friend, sent out her "Save The Dates" in January for a wedding in June . Obviously, I didn't go and neither did any of our mutual friends. She was a bit hurt I understand, but it was rather stupid of her to leave it so late.

KedenTTC1Cycle3 · 04/10/2013 16:20

I think people sometimes forget* this is an option.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/10/2013 17:37

You really need to forget the idea of dropping hints and just tell them straight - if dh doesn't want to do it then can't you take his mate aside or send him a text and just say "dh is gutted as he has realised our finances are not going to stretch to a trip abroad next year so he won't be able to be your best man. He is a bit worried about telling you as he thought you would be hurt but I told him you would be more hurt at the thought of us having to get into debt to attend your wedding."

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2013 17:52

OP what are you afraid of? The Bride and groom being offended or going into huge debt to appease them?

Original poster

FreeWee · 04/10/2013 18:00

I like all your suggestions so will try and employ as many as possible given the wetness of my DH I'm not taking that as an insult BTW cos it is true in many ways with his anti confrontation stance. Or let's call it assertiveness. The bride has bags of this; my DH doesn't so is easily steamrollered.

It reminds me actually DH and I had a massive argument a while back because we were all (me, DH and b&g) invited to stay over at a friends' house. We got in first and asked to have the bed and they would sleep on a double mattress in the living room. Bride kicked up a fuss via her STBDH with my DH that she has a phobia of sleeping not in a bedroom (WTAF? Convenient ) so we had to sleep on the floor. I actually don't mind where we sleep but they stay up later than us so we had to wait till everyone had finished chatting and left the living room before we could go to bed (well I got into my pjs and they got the hint!) Fast forward a few years and she tries to pull the same stunt at a different friends' house when I was 5 months pregnant. On that occasion I manned up and told her she could either not drink and drive home or sleep in the living room. Guess what? She slept in the living room upon finding a taxi would cost £40. Amazing isn't it?

So she's not afraid to get her own way. I'll have to think hard about how we can make it clear we can't afford to come without telling her she needs to pay or making her feel emotionally blackmailed. I want her and her STBDH to have the wedding of their dreams but not at our expense. It feels a bit grubby that they're passing on 50% of the venue hire costs to their 8 closest family and friends couples...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 18:04

Just fucking say NO. Say what CurlyHairedAssasin said and be DONE with it. Why on Earth are you pussyfooting around? You can't afford it. They pay or they have plenty of time to find a new best man. No 'mate' is worth getting into debt for, especially not over a poxy wedding.

Original poster

FreeWee · 04/10/2013 18:08

I love your style expat! Perhaps you've got enough backbone to share with my DH? It's his absolute bestest best mate in the whole world. Just a shame he's marrying someone so blinkered to other people's reality. First step is to make her aware of our reality. Then the ball's in their court for how much DH being their best man means to them. It's purely bad timing from a DH not working for a year point of view and I'm hoping once the implications of that are explained they'll be more considerate. But weddings do often bring out the worst in brides and grooms as often seen on MN.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 18:13

YOU have to do it, Free. FFS, you really want to get into debt over a poxy wedding? If a best mate doesn't understand, it's not a good mate.

What Curly said. Text him that and be DONE with it. Don't beat round the bush.

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2013 18:52

First step is to make her aware of our reality. Then the ball's in their court for how much DH being their best man means to them.

If they haven't figured out that your DH is not working and you're on Mat leave then I doubt that leaving hints and waiting for them to sink in is going to work.

Cut to the chase. You can't afford it. say so now. You could deal with this tonight in two sentences.

TBH if I found out a so called friend was trying to screw me for half the cost of their overseas wedding when I had kids and no income coming in then I would think they were a total bastard and would stick my Fascinator where the sun don't shine.

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 19:16

Yay! Good luck OP! Make sure you tell them sooner rather than later.

It's simple- your DH must decline being best man purely on financial grounds. A wedding in the UK was fine, a wedding abroad is out of your financial reach currently.

There's no emotional blackmail if you just decline- asking them to pay would be emotional blackmail.

If they really want you to be part of their day they will make the sacrifice of paying your costs, which it sounds like they could afford, if they don't then so be it.

I predict that diva bride will kick off and no offer to pay will be made as it will reduce her 'bling' budget but your husband and his mate will be fine as they are both much more level headed so there's nothing to worry about.

Tavv · 04/10/2013 20:24

because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently

How is going abroad for a wedding any cheaper than a simple wedding in the UK?

Original poster

FreeWee · 04/10/2013 20:54

Tavv because it's easier to pass on the costs to your guests

OP posts:

Threalamandaclarke · 04/10/2013 21:05

It sounds like you (or your DH) really want to go to this wedding and so are hanging out for the possibility that the B&G will pay for your accommodation. Isn't that goin to be really awkward? And still going to land you in debt with your flights? I didn't go into debt for my own wedding. Definitely wouldn't do it for someone else's.
I can't bear it. It all sounds so awkward and stressful.
I wish you well with this. I could lend you DH for the negotiations if you like.
Keep focused on what you want to achieve.

ZingWantsCake · 04/10/2013 21:07

free

but the couple wouldn't presumably pay for guests travel and accommodation expenses in the UK, would they?
or for those who would travel to UK from another country?

how is that passing cost of wedding on? did I miss something?

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 21:10

Have you read the thread zing? Bridezila has specified the cost per couple and it's more than OP and her family had anticipated spending on attending this wedding.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that travelling somewhere abroad for a week will cost more than a potentially local wedding with a taxi home

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