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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Or should somebody step in and say something?

266 replies

stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:06

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/09/2013 11:10

yes - I an failing to get the issue - no one else minds - do you have general problems with your relationship with your sister?

VanitasVanitatum · 28/09/2013 11:11

I wouldn't get involved if I were you. If your parents are happy with the arrangement then I think I would just stay out of it. You and your parents are still there to see your cousin for the rest of the visit. Also if she wants to be elsewhere and is made to stay she may not be very good company.

PeppiNephrine · 28/09/2013 11:11

Why do you get to decide what her priorities should be?

Yorkieaddict · 28/09/2013 11:11

I think YABU. I don't see why it is a problem if she wants to leave earlier than you do. She is making the effort to visit, surely it is up to her how long she stays for?

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:12

Yes, I do.

I find living with her learning difficulties very difficult.

I would be upset if I travelled thousands of miles and my cousin only gave my an hour of their time before going off to see someone else who was more important to them, when they could see that person later.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/09/2013 11:14

Well you might be upset OP but it seems no-one else is

YABU

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 28/09/2013 11:17

YABU

diddl · 28/09/2013 11:18

They haven't travelled thousands of miles to see her though, have they?

They've travelled thousands of miles & anyone who's about is welcome to see them, surely?

And no visits in 15yrs?

Not that close, then??

StanleyLambchop · 28/09/2013 11:20

Are you the same poster who was complaining about a Dsis a few weeks ago as you had asked her how long she was going to be with the paper, then got upset when she then gave it to you? If so, I think you have major problems with your sister (she can apparently do no right)

In this case I think you should just keep out of it. No one else seems to mind, and even if they did they would be upset with your sister, not you. I think most people can understand the pull of a boyfriend to a 22 year old. YABU!

whois · 28/09/2013 11:20

Yeah YABU. No one else minds, not like the cousin is is particularly close if you haven't seen them for 15 years. I think you're letting your relationship colour your feelings.

LittlePeaPod · 28/09/2013 11:27

Op are you serious? You talk about her like she is a child. A disability doesn't make her stupid! YABVU. Anyway no one else cares. It's none of your business how she chooses to spend her time. Keep your nose out..

TheVermiciousKnid · 28/09/2013 11:30

YABU. Your sister is an adult, she can, and should, decide for herself.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:31

I probably am letting the relationship colour my emotions as you say. You all say I am being U, so I guess I am. I should try to not let it upset me, and just accept that she and I have very different viewpoints. But it is very difficult.

OP posts:
PeppiNephrine · 28/09/2013 11:42

Why is it difficult to understand that your sister has her own opinions?

LittlePeaPod · 28/09/2013 11:43

Op at the end of the day how your adult sister chooses to live her life is none of your business. Who are you to say what she should and shouldn't do? I have to say your note particularly the sentence below has really irritated me. These two sentences are so derogatory it paints you in a poor light IMO.

I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

Jinsei · 28/09/2013 11:51

Sorry OP, but yabu. You don't get to dictate your sister's priorities, and if others are happy with her decision, it sounds like you're the one with the problem.

cansu · 28/09/2013 12:02

I remember another of your posts. It seems to me that you don't get on that well and therefore you think she gets away with stuff because she has learning difficulties. This is probably true, but you need to perhaps consider how this sibling jealousy or rivalry is colouring your life and let it go. Maybe she is selfish and irritating. Try not to get so upset about it.

NotYoMomma · 28/09/2013 12:39

the cousins haven't really come
to see you though have they?

these super close cousins that your dsis might have last seen as a seven year old?

Hmm stop being such a whinge about her it seems ridiculous

Mindmaps · 28/09/2013 13:15

I would wonder if you are.not also on the spectrum if you think that telling a grown up what thier priorities should be is not actually rude, controlling and very patronising.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/09/2013 13:20

If you are the same sister as the paper and bathroom thread (apologies if you're not) you really need to stop thinking that you've written the rule book on how to behave.

Just because you perceive something as wrong or right doesn't mean your 100% correct - take a look at the board you're on. Thousands of people with no ld's squabbling over what is and isn't good manners/behavior/choices.

In the nicest possible way - get over yourself. Yes explaining to someone how to interpret a situation is a kind thing to do if you can see they don't quite get it, but awarding yourself the job of controlling everything (even when you're parents have given it their blessing) is behaving like a control freak. Chill out and try to just be a sister for a bit instead of her support worker.

Canthisonebeused · 28/09/2013 14:12

She is 22 she is old enough to decide her self if it's family first.

youarewinning · 28/09/2013 14:17

you obviously have the viewpoint blood is thicker than water.

However your DSis feels that her boyfriend means more to her than a cousin she hasn't seen since she was 7.

I think that's fine and she's splitting her time so actually doing a very socially acceptable thing - and I say that as a parent of a child with ASD!

FlapJackFlossie · 28/09/2013 14:19

You obviously have NO idea how difficult it is for someone with Aspergers to sit and socialise with a group of people - it is hell on earth for them.

YABU - let her say her hellos for a while then leave.

FrussoHathor · 28/09/2013 14:26

Is your judgement clouded because you have no get-out clause yourself? Or it appears to you that your sister always gets what she wants?

Famzilla · 28/09/2013 14:33

OP you sound like the bossy older sibling.

Stop trying to control your adult sister just because she has some learning difficulties. She has a right to do whatever she wants and you sound like you're just picking holes in everything she does.