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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Or should somebody step in and say something?

266 replies

stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:06

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

OP posts:

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:15

You said it was like aspergers, not that some of the symptoms were like aspergers, so stop blaming others of you express yourself poorly.

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:16

*if

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:17

well, the particular problems affecting me are the bits that are similar to aspergers.

The fact that she finds other things difficult is not very relevant to the topic.

OP posts:

DrHolmes · 29/09/2013 10:17

It sounds like you resent having to do things but your sister doesn't. So if you don't want to do something, just don't.
It's your life, don't let people tell you what to do.

Just think that what your sister gets up to is none of your concern and vice verca.
Tell your parents to stop forcing you both to get a long and if that causes upset to your mum then that is her own issue. You can't make people like each other.

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:19

Anyway, the rest of my post was pretty sympathetic to you, but said things that you don't want to deal with or accept.

From what you have posted, your problems are with your parents. Stop blaming your sister, who despite (or possibly because of) her special needs seems to be making a better stab at living her own life than you are.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:22

i'm made to feel incredibly guilty if i don't do something that my parents want.

e.g. if i said i didn't want to help my sister with something, i would be told i am an unkind, intolerant person. Then e.g. my parents would say that if I don't do something they want me to do, they will not do something I want them to do

e.g. when they are cooking for the family, they wouldn't make me any, but will not permit me to go into the kitchen to make myself something else either because it is their house and their kitchen, not mine.

Simply, it is just easier to go along with their wishes

OP posts:

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 29/09/2013 10:22

Stressed have you considered asking this to be moved into relationships?
You can click on the report button and message MNHQ to ask.

I feel you are crying out for someone to help you make sense of your family relationships. Apologies if I've perceived this wrongly.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:23

i asked for it to be deleted.

they said no.

i don't want it moved, just deleted.

OP posts:

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 10:23

Your sister is not making you unhappy.

YOU are making you unhappy.

You are blaming your sister for things that aren't her fault, you are focusing all of your feelings of resentment onto her.

I think the issue is more about your parents than your sister.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:25

but if my sister didn't have SN, then none of this would have happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:25

if she was NT, my parents would have the same expectations of her as of me.

OP posts:

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 10:26

But she does have SNs

Her having SNs is no ones fault is it?

It is just the way it is.

LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 10:26

If your parents are treating you like that Op then that in my book is abusive behaviour. It's your parents that are EA and manipulating you. It still isn't your sisters fault and its wrong for you to blame her. Why can't you move out and get your own place? Out of interest how old are you and your sister?

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 10:27

Sounds like you resent the differences in expectations of you and her from your parents.

Can you not see why they expect different things from her based on her limited abilities?

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:28

TBH, I think you need to move out of your family home. Your parents sound dreadful, and you need to get some physical distance (and to be in a position where no-one can stop you having your own life).

You should get this moved to relationships.

Do your parents demand more of you in all areas? Do you have the most responsibility of all your siblings?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 10:29

Did you take anything from your last long thread? You are still acting as if your sister could just 'get over' her SN if she wanted to. She cannot. You have to stop resenting her for acting like someone with SN.

As was said on your last thread, you NEED to move out, get your own life - stop being in her space and under your parents watch.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:29

Of course it's nobody's fault.

But i am tired of having to make special allowances for her. It is draining.

Imagine when you are at home, after a long day's work, with work to do in the evening. But you cannot focus on the work, because there is a toddler having a tantrum in the next room.

Most of you are mums and very familiar with this situation. However, you know they will grow out of it.

Now imagine that the person having a tantrum in the next room is not a 2 year old, but a 22 year old, and that they will never grow out of it.

Nobodys fault, but not a pleasant situation to live in.

OP posts:

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:29

So move out.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 10:29

Then move out. You are an adult not a child.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 29/09/2013 10:30

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship with your parents.
Do you live at home with them? Is it possible to put some physical and mental space between you? Space will bring some clarity for you.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 29/09/2013 10:31

Whilst I realise that some of the way she behaves is down to her SN, and something she can't change, other parts are due to the way her behaviour is encouraged by my parents, because she is still treated like a child in many ways.

OP posts:

badtime · 29/09/2013 10:32

Yes, that is why so many people are saying your problem is with your parents, and you should get your own place.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 29/09/2013 10:34

OP I do understand, I have a DS with ASD. The difference between us is that I 'get' my DS. I understand completely why he acts the way he does. I love him and accept him.
It sounds like you don't want to understand about your DS special needs. Do you feel jealous that you are so controlled by your DP while she has so many allowances made? If this is the case then you need to stop them controlling you by getting some distance between you all.

LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 10:34

Op. I think we are all wondering what is stopping you moving out and getting your own place? I really don't get it? From what you have said you work so why to get your own place?

patienceisvirtuous · 29/09/2013 10:42

You really need to move out. And stop blaming your sister for your issues with your parents.

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