Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

Whilst I realise that some of the way she behaves is down to her SN, and something she can't change, other parts are due to the way her behaviour is encouraged by my parents, because she is still treated like a child in many ways.

How do you differentiate which parts of her behaviour are due to her SN and which parts are due to your parents behaviour?
I think with learning difficulties and aspergers type behaviours it is very difficult to simply categorise your sisters behaviours as being the result of your parents behaviour. I would be more likely to think that your parents have learned to behave a certain way in order to help your sister cope in a world that she often finds confusing, daunting, emotionally draining and very complex. I think without fully understanding how difficult it is for people with social disorders to cope in a World that they don't fully understand you will never understand the reason that people need to make allowances and adapt their behaviours around that person.
It sounds like your sister is coping remarkably well with her condition and getting on with life in the best possible way that she can.
I think it would be better to recognise the fact that your sister managed to come in and see your cousin for some time as an achievement as it might have been incredibly difficult for her to cope with so many people in one place. Going out mid visit to see her boyfriend was a very useful coping mechanism and it's positive that your sister is able to make those helpful choices rather than causing herself to become overloaded and going into meltdown.
I think that it might be helpful for you to read up on social anxiety disorders and try to gain an understanding of the difficulties that your sister faces on a daily basis as it might help you to realise that a lot of what she does might not be deliberate and it might help your relationship with her.

norude, did you read the post where the OP said that if she doesn't do what she's told, her parents don't allow her to join the family meal or cook her own meal? How does that help her sister?

In a case like that, the parents are not just trying to 'help the sister cope', they are being controlling and manipulative and somewhat abusive, tbh. Don't let them off because one of their adult children has special needs.

Hi Op

I'm going to say more or less what I said on your last thread about your sister...you need to get some sort of counseling/support to try and get a healthier perspective on your relationship with your sister.

Op am I still wondering. Why can't you move out and get your place? You are happy to share a lot of information about your situation but you seem reluctant to share why you can't move out and get your own space? Surely that distance and independence will give ou the space and breathing space you clearly need.

It seems the problem you should be focusing on is your relationship wtih your mother, not your sister. It isn't her fault that your parents manage your relationship, or that you let them.
You're looking in the wrong place>

OP - move out.

I feel sorry for both you & your sister.

But I also can't help but wonder if your intolerance & rigidity points to some level of 'difficulties' with you also?

The visit would have been a non-issue for me or my family, it seems you've made it into a big deal.

If your sis can attend uni she has some level of independence, you should get some too :)

Sorry norudeshit, but whilst you are trying to be helpful, you have my sister all wrong.

This isn't your fault, its just because it is too complicated to explain my sisters condition.

One of the specific reasons she was not diagnosed with aspergers, is because even though she has difficulty understanding social situations and behaves in an inappropriate way, she has no social anxiety issues. She makes good eye contact.

She's actually a fairly sociable person, and enjoys going out and meeting people, and she is fine in big groups. However, she often makes inappropriate comments, therefore although people are friendly to her, they often do not want to be friends.

Just because she has learning difficulties shouldn't make any difference.

I have a friend who has Asperger's and I wouldn't insult him by treating him like a child.

I think you are really unfair on your sister.

If you are really wanting to make comment on her disability and that being the reason for things, then you should cut her some slack as she has this condition and not be so rude about her and try and get along with her.

I didn't think so.

Op why can't you move out? A number of people have asked. Surely this will be good for you?

norude, did you read the post where the OP said that if she doesn't do what she's told, her parents don't allow her to join the family meal or cook her own meal? How does that help her sister?

Yes I did read that, but it's very hard to judge exactly what is going on when you only have one point of view. I don't know if the parents viewpoint is along the lines of ' you are making life very difficult for your sister so we are going to make life very difficult for you'. If the parents think that the OP is making life more difficult for their daughter who has additional needs then perhaps they retaliate to that.
If the OP is that bothered about being punished for her sisters behaviours then she should move out.
The OP comes across as lacking understanding and patience for her sisters SN (otherwise she would understand why she couldn't spend the whole day with a cousin last seen 15 years ago) and I tend to think that the parents are sick of that and punish her in order to protect the sister who has difficulty conforming to norms because of her condition.

My sister does attend uni, but she doesn't really have much independence.

My parents need to check her university emails on a daily basis, because otherwise she won't. Previously this resulted in her missing important information about an exam, which she subsequently failed. So now they do it for her.

Last year she ran out of money because she didn't know how to check her bank account, so they just transferred some more money across.

They also open all her post (it comes to our house)

I can't move out and its too complicated to explain why.

It involves my parents and their views.

I can see how difficult all this is for you. People often forget how a disability or illness impacts on other family members.

She is an adult and must be able to make her own choices and mistakes. Unfortunately, these too impact on others. You can't control her but I see how you want to, for her sake and of course your own.

There is no easy answer. You are in a shit situation. Good luck.

Imagine when you are at home, after a long day's work, with work to do in the evening. But you cannot focus on the work, because there is a toddler having a tantrum in the next room

Most of you are mums and very familiar with this situation. However, you know they will grow out of it

Now imagine that the person having a tantrum in the next room is not a 2 year old, but a 22 year old, and that they will never grow out of it

That is all familiar to me. I have a son with SNs.

I know how it is draining.

But I also know that it can't be changed.

One of the specific reasons she was not diagnosed with aspergers, is because even though she has difficulty understanding social situations and behaves in an inappropriate way, she has no social anxiety issues. She makes good eye contact

Don't see why those would be reasons for her not to have been diagnosed with aspergers? There isn't a one fits all formula for autism.

You said she has LDs too? that is probably why she wasn't diagnosed with aspergers.

One of the specific reasons she was not diagnosed with aspergers, is because even though she has difficulty understanding social situations and behaves in an inappropriate way, she has no social anxiety issues. She makes good eye contact.

She's actually a fairly sociable person, and enjoys going out and meeting people, and she is fine in big groups. However, she often makes inappropriate comments, therefore although people are friendly to her, they often do not want to be friends.

People with aspergers can often make good eye contact and often do socialise in groups because they are desperate to fit in. The fact they are in a big group doesn't mean that their sensory neurological system is coping well with it.

I have reread the whole thread now.

I agree that you seem to have more of a problem with how your parents treat your sister, than your sister per se. If you had your way you could take a bit of time out from your sister for a little while, to make things more bearable.

I understand it is difficult, because SN are not all the same and each person you have to deal with a bit differently.

But remember, she'd much rather she didn't have this condition. But she does and although her tantruming is not nice to listen to, there isn't much that can be done. Your best bet is to study at the library or somewhere similar to get yourself a little bit of space.

The support that your parents give her as you have just listed sounds fairly typical for the parents of a young adult with LDs.

Do you think your parents over compensate with your Dsis, OP?

I have a DS with mild AS and DCD. I do make allowances for him, of course I do, but as few as possible. He is only 13 so he is still developing and learning and in a lot of ways very typically a teenager. However, I think it is our job to help him fit in as much as possible within the constraints put on him by his condition. In a situation like the one described in the OP, I probably would make him stay for the whole visit and see his girlfriend afterwards because that is what I would expect from DS2 who is NT. There is a lot of guesswork going by some other posters about how your Dsis couldn't cope with a visit. Maybe if she been encouraged and supported to be able to cope, I don't think any of us are in a position to decide that.

Whatever she can or can't cope with though, the problem is still with your parents. They seem to want you to make allowances that you perhaps aren't able to make because nobody is thinking of your needs. Perhaps they have gone too far in being overprotective and in underestimating what she is capable of. She in turn may be using her SN to get her way and parents are letting her. Maybe you could have been writing the same OP even if there were no SN in the equation at all. You only have to look at the relationships board to see that some parents to treat their children unfairly, favouring one or making allowances for one more than the other. On the other hand she may well find the whole situation intolerable and your parents may understand that better than you do. It would still be unfair that you were made to go on the visit when you were ill. They should have made allowances for that too.

I going to hazard a guess you are younger than your Dsis as you don't want to seem to tell us your age and so telling you to move out is probably not practical in money terms. My advice to you is to start saving now to move out and in the meantime, try and put as much distance between you and your sister as possible. Stay out of her way if you possibly can. Let disagreements like the one in the OP wash over you. It is unfair but you can't fight it and you will only upset yourself if you try.

I can't move out and its too complicated to explain why

It involves my parents and their views

Then the problem, as everyone keep saying is with you parents not your sister.

I agree that you seem to have more of a problem with how your parents treat your sister, than your sister per se.

Well the OP was that somebody i.e. my parents should have treated her the same as everyone else, and had her meet our cousin properly.

If your sister is 22, then I assume she was diagnosed some time ago.
She may have aspergers or autism, and still make eye contact, and have the wrong diagnosis.

I guess there are cultural reasons why you feel you cannot move out.

Listen, you have options.

-Stay, become bitter, live your life focusing on this, waste years on the anger, despising your sister.

-Move out, face the problems this will cause.

-Stay, learn to live without the bitterness.

If you would prefer either of the latter two, maybe it would be a good idea to get some sort of therapy to help you to figure out a way to move towards whichever you choose.

spooky, i'm sure it is.

My point is that that she isn't independent, and because of her SN she never will be.

When my parents are too old to do these things for her, it will be me doing them.

Of course you can move out. You are an adult. It's time to start acting like one.

I do think it's a bit rude to leave a family gathering of this sort to see a boyfriend mid-way through. I t would be morre polite to do it the way you describe in your op.
I don't think i'd say anything though in your position. Especially as nobody else seems bothered.
Just enjoy the visit with your family. Let your DSis do her own thing.

In a situation like the one described in the OP, I probably would make him stay for the whole visit and see his girlfriend afterwards because that is what I would expect from DS2 who is NT.

This is what I wanted, and stated in the OP, but I was told I was being unreasonable by 99% of posters.

If it had been me wanting to visit a boyfriend, or even just a friend, I would have been expected to stay the whole visit and then see them afterwards.