Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

It's not so much cutting her out, just move - they can't expect you all to live with them forever, can they? That way you're not cutting her out, you're getting on with your life and in the process of doing that you'll see less of her.

A lot of you have said I need to stop/reduce contact with my sister.

I'm afraid this simply is never going to happen. My parents are of the belief that my sisters and I must all be very close and love each other very much. This particularly comes from my mum, who is compensating for her own upbringing. She was an only child, often lonely and cannot understand why we cannot all just get on.

My parents are also extremely overprotective of my younger sibling, and expect me to do things for her. They always tell me off and blame any problems on my not being tolerant enough of her SN, rather than accept there is a clash of personality that means we are not close, no matter how hard we try.

I know that if I cut my sister out of my life, the rest of my family (parents and other sister) would cut me out of theirs for being too intolerant of her SN to have a relationship with her.

Yabu why say she doesn't see its rude because of her learning difficulties your parents don't think it's rude either do they also have LD?

sorry, i don't write the removal messages

i've actually asked for the thread to be removed because its getting too confusing

How old are you OP? (apologies if this is mentioned already on the thread).

Do you all live at home with your parents and other sister?

You don't need to cut yourself off entirely, why not just try to dis-engage emotionally, ie: help with practical tasks (not sure what this would involve - maybe a lift somewhere? That sort of thing) but try not to get over-involved with your DS's relationships etc.

It sounds as though you are seeking approval and reassurance from your parents and other sister about all this. It doesn't matter if your DS leaves the party early, it is of no impact on your relationship with your grandparents & long-lost cousin. If anything you will come across as the person more interested in meeting up.

On your last thread you were asked if you yourself have been assessed for additional needs? I can't remember if you answered that or not?

The special needs board is not only for parents.

You posted, at length, on your last thread about a lad she was seeing that you didn't approve of - is this the guy or is this a new one? What happened about the other one, if this is a new one?

No-one is saying you have to cut her out - just get your own life, move out of your parents home & stop being so overly involved in her every move.

Presumably the visit was yesterday, (according to the start of the thread) so what happened?

it didn't bother me to be the one who was "more interested in meeting up"

it just bothers me that i and everyone else in the family are expected to do everything for her, when family means clearly so little to her.

Stressed. You have my sympathy and I agree thread needs removing as too many comments unrelated topic - no fault applied to posters.

Your situation is moe complex than this OP suggests

well we came, she stayed a while, left because she had someone who was more important to her than her family, she came back we went home.

Oh and I spent most of the time in bed because i was feeling really ill, and would rather have spent the day resting at home.

but apparently having a boyfriend trumps illness when it comes to visiting relatives.

But how do you know that family means so little to her. People who have ASD often struggle with social situations and understanding off relationships. This means that what possibly means a lot to you because of your mum and her desire to have her daughters get along with each other.

I do think you need to cut your sister some slack and learn yourself how to deal with your feelings in a positive way without it dragging you down to resenting your sister and what she gets away with because your parents make a lot of allowances for her.

apparently mumsnet disagree, as nobody has removed it

OP I feel very sad for you. I get the feeling you are not free to control your own life and feel you have to do as your parents say to keep them happy. I assume you are an adult who is capable of fee will and make choices. From what i have read you are never going to be satisfied or completely happy living how you are at the moment, although i do appreciate we are just getting a snapshot of your life here.

Your sister is acting, quite rightly, like an independent adult, making choices for herself. She does not have to put family first. No one does unless they have dependent children. I think you could take a leaf out of her book and do what will make you happy. If you disentangle yourself from your family and make your own way in the world they may grow to respect you more.

I'd love to know how old you are, is your sister younger or older than you? I am amazed that your parents still feel they can control what you do at weekends. Are there some cultural issues that are relevant?

Well if you were ill you should have stayed home really. You sound very bitter.

I wouldn't want to take a leaf out of my sisters book

I know what she does makes others unhappy e.g. me.

I wouldn't do anything on purpose to upset others. When I had depression, I hid it from my family for months because I didn't want to upset them.

Op I am really trying to see your point of view but I find it hard to feel for you when your posts (eg second to last) are sound so nasty. I am sure its hard for you but you need to find a way of focusing on yourself.

They didn't force me to go, just said what a massive shame it would be if I didn't see my cousin as I haven't seen her in 15 years and she's flown over thousands of miles etc.

They would have made me feel pretty guilty to have not seen her.

It sounds to me that your problem is with your parents, not your sister.

Your mother never had siblings, so she doesn't understand that sometimes they don't get along at all.

She also blames you for the issues you have with your sister, which isn't doing either of you any favours - it is making you resent your sister, and it is not putting any responsibility on your sister for her own behaviour, which is unhelpful for someone with some kind of high functioning autistic disorder. You seem to be getting the shitty end of the stick here, but you are wrong to blame your sister.

How you and your sister are treated is down to your parents, not your sister. Stop blaming her for your parents' unreasonable expectations.

And stop calling an Aspergers-like condition 'learning difficulties'!

I would also suggest you try posting on 'Relationships'.

She doesn't have aspergers.

She has learning difficulties, some of the symptoms are similar to aspergers

An educational psychologist told my family this, so stop acting like you know everything about everyones SN.