Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

mindmaps, i don't want the rules to change

but i would like people to be a bit more understanding that moving out and renting isn't that simple when obstacles are put in your way. This includes emotional obstacles as well as practical ones.

Streddedsister - you can't change your parents, you cannot change your sister - embraced this and understand you can change yourself and your response to things. You can either learn to become Zen about your sisters problems and accept that she does not operate by your norms but that is not your problem or you can grow up and move out. Yes it will be hard but you seam to be under the illusion that you have some unique family problems going on. You earn a good wage and should be able to handle a move and a rented house without too much trauma, I still think a shared house would be good for you and show you how wide 'norm' is. Your parents may not help but are not going to disown you.

Or get looking for a suitable husband to take the restrictive role of your parents.

Your parents may not help but are not going to disown you.

Well, they might. But life's about risk, isn't it?

Well if they do they aren't worth all this stress are they - unconditional love as long as you live at home and tow the line :(

It is hard to go against family expectations. Have you read the stately home threads in Relationships? There would be lots of good advice from those who have been in similar family set ups and mutual support from those who are also trying to break free.

What support do you have in RL? Are there other family members? Or some good friends? If not a good first step might be to get out and make friends. Your new colleagues perhaps?

I don't think anyone here is saying it will be easy, just that it would be better for you to move out and start seeing yourself as an individual, not just a member of the family. You are more than that. I have lots of friends who are living at home in their mid twenties because it makes sense to save money until they can buy but they are happy at home. You are clearly not happy. You can't change other people but you can change yourself. You are choosing not to, you are an adult.

The OP wants everything to be on her terms, she wants her parents to be supportive and provide everything but doesn't want them to have a say in anything.
You can only really expect to do things your own way if you are prepared to pay for it all yourself and be independent.
There is no post complaining that your parents won't financially help you unless you buy a house in a certain area. If you don't want to live in their choice of area then don't accept any financial help from them.
Don't complains bout them not helping to fund your postgrad degree - they helped you through you undergrad degree and that should be enough. At some point you have to realise that you are now an adult and are financially responsible for yourself.
Some people can never afford to buy their own home but it doesn't stop them moving away from their parents into rented accommodation and being fully independent and happy.
You have 2 choices|

1. Rely on your parents helping you financially and accept that they will want a say in how the money is spent and continue to have some control over your life and hence continue to be miserable and blame everybody else for your situation.
2. Stand on your own two feet, find a way to move out and pay for it yourself, showing your parents that they no longer have a hold over you and that you can manage with or without their control support. Be happy in your own place and live your life how you want to.

OP, I remember your last thread. You need to understand that you cannot change what other people do, only what you do.

You can come on here as much as you like and say that you want your parents and your sister to change. They won't. You can change what you do. If you constantly complain and then say you can't do one of the many things that people suggest, there is only one option left. Suck it up.

Ironically the op wants to tell her sister what to do but is annoyed that her parents want to tell her what to do.

An no it's not fair op - but your sister has SN so its never going to be - get over it.

OP. I have just read the whole thread and agree that your parents are very controlling . My friend married a man who stayed living at home until he was 40 because his parents said renting was a waste of money...

Have you looked into getting a room in a shared house? So low rent and you would still be able to save for a deposit. Or your other suggestion of part buy part rent would be good.

You can furnish a place quite cheaply with stuff from free cycle or local Facebook selling pages. Cutlery crockery etc can be bought cheaply from most supermarkets nowadays .

If you want to break free then there are ways of doing it.

Also it is unfair to say I matured without any other difficulties as I did suffer from depression. No allowances were ever made for this when I was ill, the way that allowances are made for my sister.

You did say you didn't tell your parents about you depression for ages. Of course they couldn't make allowances for you if they don't know and when you did tell them( if you have now told them) they probably thought you could cope because you have managed for so long. Do they know how unhappy you are at the moment or do they see you as just being stroppy because you can't have your own way? You need to talk to them.

Look I didn't mean to be unfair - quite opposite. I think I have gone against the general feeling on the thread by suggesting that SN is not necessarily a reason for poor behaviour and that your sister may be badly behaved simply because she is allowed to be by your parents who expect you to collude with them in pandering to her to keep the peace. To me you still sound depressed if I am truthful. You seem to have given in and are going to put up with the status quo no matter how much it is hurting you. I definitely agree that counselling should be your way forward

well, to my recollection it's hard to be 24 years old. Your a student, you haven't established your own life yet....renting and money and all that independence can seem daunting even when you don't have very controlling parents.

why not do what many, if not most uni students do and get a roommate or two at a rental you can afford? roomies give you a financial safety net, independence, subsidize your expenses so you can save and can provide a good social network too.

to me it's crazy to want to buy so young TBH....your not even done uni. enjoy some of the freedom NOT being saddled with your own home comes with for a time yet. though if you do go that route perhaps look at a place that will allow you to have a renter to similarly share the burden.

If your own family is not emotionally supportive, then it's important that you develop your own circle of support from friends.

The Op has a Job -

Could you afford to buy now if you take in a lodger for a few years? That's what I did. If you buy, your parents may even be inclined to help you more financially.

but i would like people to be a bit more understanding that moving out and renting isn't that simple when obstacles are put in your way. This includes emotional obstacles as well as practical ones.

That comment has really annoyed me. There are women on here - a distressingly large number - who have walked away from abusive relationships with only the clothes on their backs; and their children to care for too. Without jobs, or deposits, or any realistic expectation of how they would finance their lives going forward.

Don't you dare tell them - or us, about whom you know nothing - that we don't understand.

well, to my recollection it's hard to be 24 years old. Your a student, you haven't established your own life yet....renting and money and all that independence can seem daunting even when you don't have very controlling parents.

I don't agree. I had very controlling parents who treated me very differently from my siblings and wanted to control most aspects of my life.
I got a full time job at 17 and by the time I was 18 I had saved up enough fora deposit to get a mortgage. My job wasn't particularly well paid but I focused so hard on saving and getting out that I managed it in a year (only needed 5% deposit plus money for legal fees at the time).
The house I bought was not what I would have chosen if I had more time to save but my priority was getting my own space and being able to do as I pleased without the control of my parents.
Obviously everyone is different but the OP is 24, hardly a baby. Being 24 is only as hard as you choose to make it if you have no children to think about.

cinnabar, that's a pretty stupid comment to make

You are perfectly aware that I am referring to the many people on here who said I should just move out, as if it were the simplest thing.

You are right that a person in an abusive relationship would also have many obstacles preventing them from moving out.

You wouldn't expect if a woman in that situation came on here, people would say to her to "get your own life" "just move" or even "suck it up" all three comments have been made to me today.

So equally people should not be saying that to me either.

Wow Cinnabar...projecting much?

I was about to say something pretty forthright, but Stressed beat me to it, beautifully, succinctly and far more politely than your post deserved.

You wouldn't expect if a woman in that situation came on here, people would say to her to "get your own life" "just move" or even "suck it up" all three comments have been made to me today.

A woman with children fleeing an abusive relationship would be in a very different situation and it would be much harder for her to move. A woman in an abusive situation is unlikely to have a job or even if she has a job she is unlikely to have control of her money.
A woman with children in an abusive relationship cannot just move into a house share. She cannot find the deposit for a rental. She cannot take a property which is unsuitable for her children. She cannot leave without fear of being beaten and held against her will. Her oar tent might track her down and force her back. She is constantly fearing for her safety and the safety of her children.
A woman in an abusive relationship has much less choice. You have the choices you just don't want to take them.

And your points are perfectly valid imho No rude shit but they do not detract or negate Stressed's own situation: a controlling, abusive, smothering relationship (such as she seems to be experiencing) is just that...I'm not sure that suggesting one sort trumps another is desperately helpful.

OP, it is quite clear from this thread and your others, that no-one else in your family has any intention of making any of the changes you want.

The bottom line, therefore, is whether you are prepared to make the changes yourself. The most obvious way to change things is to move out. You're either prepared to explore ways of improving your situation, or you're not.

If you are, then you've had a whole load of good advice and it would be sensible to re-read it in your own time, rather than just bashing out "no, no, no" answers. If you're not prepared to move out/challenge the status quo then there really isn't anything anyone can help you with.

You're clearly feeling very beaten down, but people are making really good, useful suggestions and are having their heads bitten off. If you want to explore possible solutions then you need to be a bit more open to what people are saying. There are lots of people on MN with experience of very difficult upbringings/toxic parents/family members with SN/financial difficulties/abusive relationships/housing problems. All of them will have understanding, to some extent, of the situation you are in. But you need to want help to change your situation. Otherwise everyone's just wasting their time.

Of course it is FAR more difficult for a woman in an abusive relationship, with a partner who controls the finances, with children to relocate and support. It does not compare, in the slightest, to a single, working, person with no children I'm not saying it's 'easy' but it's nowhere near as difficult and in fact is not 'that' difficult, just emotionally uncomfortable to go against your parents wishes - but bloody hell - didn't 90% of us do that? Hardly unique.

i'm made to feel incredibly guilty if i don't do something that my parents want. e.g. if i said i didn't want to help my sister with something, i would be told i am an unkind, intolerant person. Then e.g. my parents would say that if I don't do something they want me to do, they will not do something I want them to do e.g. when they are cooking for the family, they wouldn't make me any, but will not permit me to go into the kitchen to make myself something else either because it is their house and their kitchen, not mine.

That's awful op! I also grew up with a sibling with sn, although undiagnosed but they have a lot of asd traits. I also thought that their behaviour would have improved in certain ways if he hadn't been tolerated and excused so much. My parents expected instead me to tiptoe around them to keep the peace. My siblings violent tantrums were ignored and my rights not to be punched in my own home were ignored.

It encourages a hell of a lot of resentment. It was very hard to like my sibling.

It might be a good idea though when you are getting annoyed about things such as the situation in this thread, to stop and think what you are really annoyed about. Are you annoyed that your sister doesn't get that leaving during a visit might be rude, or that you are annoyed with your parents for putting such expectations and pressure on you? Its too much isn't it.

Will read the rest of the thread now.