Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

As discussed in your previous thread, it does NOT have to be you who looks after your sister when your parents are unable to and it would not be a healthy dynamic for either of you. Your parents need to make sure her care is arranged beyond their lifetime - not you.

When my parents are too old to do these things for her, it will be me doing them

Yes it could well be.

I really think you need to get some counselling to deal with how you feel.

my parents should have treated her the same as everyone else

But she isn't the same as everyone else and your parents surely know her limitations.

My dad has 6 brothers and sisters - 3 of them never married. One of them, my dad's twin brother is very bitter about having to give up so much for his family, that he had to stay home and support first his mother and then 2 of his sisters. He feels he has wasted his life and deeply regrets some amazing opportunities he was presented with along the way.

Please do not end up like my uncle. If you can make the break away do it. It isn't fair that you are being lined up as the carer for your sister. I hope I never do that to my younger son. I don't know what the future holds for DS1, I don't suppose we will know until he is an adult, but I want DS2 to offer help because he loves him and wants to spend time with him, not because he feels under some obligation to us as his parents and to his brother. You say you can't leave but I would work on it if I were you. For everybody's sake.

You seem unwilling to change anything about the situation which is why you are so frustrated. So if you won't do anything, you really can't complain about it.

I have a cousin (not the one mentioned in the OP, other side of the family) with severe cerebral palsy. He will never be able to walk. He cannot feed himself or even take himself to the toilet. He is however very intelligent, holds a masters degree and although he has struggled to get a job because of his severe disabilities, he has got freelance work reviewing assistive technology for a disabilities charity.

My parents have always felt very strongly that it is not the job of his brothers to look after him, and that my aunt and uncle must make provisions for him, it is their responsibility. However when it comes to my sister, my parents expect my siblings and I to take full responsibility for her when they no longer can.

It's so clear that the issues are with your parents. You need some councilling to help you figure this out. I still think blaming your sister is wrong. It's yor parents that are the problem.

OP, you sound like you have been worn down over time by the unreasonable expectations of your parents. No wonder you previously suffered with depression!

The problem is your parents, and not your sister. What they are asking of you isn't fair. You do have a choice, though - you don't have to live like this. You need to start asserting yourself and thinking about what you want out of life.

*I can't move out and its too complicated to explain why.

It involves my parents and their views.*

You're an adult. You have an income. You can move out. Your parents might be upset about this. That is their problem, not yours. You will be happier, because you won't be living with them. What stops you from doing this?

But as I said before, my sister has no anxiety in social situations. Her issue was not spending time with an unfamiliar relative. It was just that she would rather be spending time with someone else.

She isn't someone who gets anxious/ upset after being in large groups of people for a while (as some people with aspergers may do) She was more than capable of seeing family for several hours and waiting until the evening.

Yes she has limitations, but this wasn't one of them.

It doesn't matter what they think or expect. It is your life.

(I appreciate some of this sounds harsh if it's the first thread you have read from the OP, but we hashed all of this out a wee while ago)

|I don't think that is very fair Peppi, that is like telling a depressed person to pull themselves together.

She has had a lifetime of this treatment from her parents. She isn't going to break free and live her life overnight. The best we can do is plant a seed to get her thinking, and if she keeps coming back to post some more about it, to keep reassuring her that it is OK to feel the way she does and encourage the change again. She isn't going to say 'you know what, I will move out tomorrow and just leave them all to it'. It is very hard to break out of years of conditioning.

However when it comes to my sister, my parents expect my siblings and I to take full responsibility for her when they no longer can.

They can expect all they like. You do not have to.

Why can you not simply leave, get yourself somewhere to live, and negotiate the other things on your terms. You do not have to do what your parents say. If your parents' plans for you include long-term care for your sister, you do not have to do this. You might like to, on your terms. Tell you parents this, once you have somewhere else to live.

I suspect that there are cultural issues involved here as well. But there is nothing stopping your from getting yourself somewhere else to live tomorrow morning.

It sounds like a very complicated family situation. You say you can't move out - that may well be the case, but have you looked into the practicalities? Sometimes we think we can't do something because it seems like an insurmountable problem, but if you break it down step by step you realise you can do it.

Apologies if that really isn't the case here, but I do wonder whether you are so caught up in the situation you are closing options without properly investigating them. Which is something lots of us do - I've done it in the past.

Counselling might be very helpful for you to work through all this. You are clearly unhappy - do think about whether counselling might be something that helps you to be able to explore all your options for handling the situation or at least making it more bearable.

My parents are opposed to renting, and I can't afford to buy.

My parents choose how they support based on how it fits in with their own views.

If I were to buy a property (assuming I had no partner), my parents would come with me to help give their advice on any problems it might have that I wouldn't think to look for. They would also provide me with e.g. old bits of furniture, crockery etc that they no longer needed, to help me to set up a home. They may even provide some small financial contribution. They would also help me to pack my stuff etc. and generally make the move as easy for me as possible.

If I were to rent, I do it alone, with no practical or financial support. If I were to have a problem e.g. ceiling collapsed and I needed somewhere to stay whilst it got fixed, my parents would not provide any support whatsoever.

How do you know what would happen if you rented? have you tried before?

It all sounds very seal defeating.

But your sisters behavior in the situation described is entirely normal for any 22 year old! Why wouldn't anyone spend a short time with a cousin they haven't seen since they were seven and have no interest in and then go off to see a boyfriend?
It's what I would have done at that age, its what my sister does now. nobody bats an eyelid and its all perfectly polite and friendly.

So the nt/sn thing doesn't really come into it. You are railing against your parents wanting you to take responsibility for her yet you are far too involved in what she does already.
What is it that you want here?

OP, they sound incredibly controlling, but you know, you're an adult now, you can do this without their support now if you choose. You could rent a property without their blessing. It's time to start living life on your own terms.

Also, you know thats how most adults do it, rent alone without our folks doing half of it for us?

My parents are opposed to renting

Fine - they don't have to. YOU can do as YOU please, this is YOUR life. You are an adult earning your own money, how you choose to spend it is up to you.

Most people who rent 'do it alone with no practical or financial support'. If the ceiling collapsed (so very likely ) you would get assistance/be able to rent somewhere else/sort something out.

Stop acting like a needy child - you are an adult.

self defeating not seal defeating!

Rent somewhere furnished.
Pack your own things.

It's really not hard.

The nature of my sisters SN mean that although she may be able to live alone, she will need practical support throughout her life e.g. someone to manage her bills, to her taxes, that sort of thing.

However what I see as a bigger problem is that she seems to have to intention of getting a job after uni. We have asked her many times what she wants to do, and she doesn't know. Nor will she try and get work experience, even if someone helped her to set it up (help her draft letters to companies etc). There are many opportunities at her uni to gain experience for work because she is doing a very practical degree, however she refuses to try any of them.

The most likely scenario I see is that she will leave uni (I don't know if she will graduate, last year she failed and is resitting) and sit around doing nothing, and that my parents will let her do this.

My parents are opposed to renting, and I can't afford to buy.

So what? You don't need their permission to rent, or find a house-share.

If I were to buy a property (assuming I had no partner), my parents would come with me to help give their advice

Surveys are cheap.

If I were to rent, I do it alone, with no practical or financial support.

Again, so what?

If I were to have a problem e.g. ceiling collapsed

Are ceiling collapses something that happens on a regular basis? It would be your landlord's problem. It would only affect one room. Hotels are cheap for a few days.

You've been disempowered by your parents. You need to start looking for solutions, not problems.

That would certainly make it harder to move out but not impossible. If you want to move out you would find a way. Ceilings don't often fall down either.

You don't need to feel so responsible for everybody. Get a friend to help you if you can. Even if they aren't the practical help your parents are, they can give support and maybe advice.