Or should somebody step in and say something?

[stressedsister1]

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

... and cinnabar was right, not 'projecting'.

I left home at 17 (nearly 18) because I didn't like the 'while you are under my roof' rules. I didn't get any financial help, I didn't have my parents pack my things for me, I didn't make the 'what would happen if the ceiling came crashing down' excuses . I acted like an adult, I took control of my own life. Plenty of us have. The OP doesn't have any more obstacles than I and many others had.

cupofcoffee you might like to read the OP's other threads as well, they are relevant.

"emotionally uncomfortable" = understatement of the year

you are completely aware of how unpleasant my parents make my life when i don't do ask they ask, even if it's something as small as taking 10 minutes to help my sister with a small task.

so you can imagine how unpleasant they would make my life if i did something as drastic as move out, going against all their principles.

I do appreciate that moving out is not as easy at some people have made it sound. OP is afraid of losing her family and as easy as it is for us to sit behind a keyboard and tell her it doesn't matter, of course it does.

I just think if you're not going to do anything about your situation but continue to complain, people will run out of sympathy. I'm not saying you're doing this, OP but beware of getting to that stage.

cupocoffee, i am annoyed that the expectations from my parents are so drastically different.

I do think that leaving mid-way through a planned family gathering is a bit rude, but i wouldn't expect someone with SN like my sister to realise this. Therefore its not that i blame her, because she can't help having SN, but others (my parents) for enabling her behaviour and having completely different expectations of us.

Being absent from a family gathering = ok
Being absent from a family gathering because you are sick = not ok

Go figure

Move out -the emotional fall out cannt be worse than what you are suffering now.

I do feel for you as I know some cultures are very strict on what you should and should not do.

But I also think that said people in such cultures should realise that in the modern day, things adjust and loosen a bit with the times. Many people do. They should bring up their children how they would want them to be sure, but ultimately let them make up their own choices about their life.

I mean, just because you rented a house doesn't mean you aren't the lovely, intelligent daughter they had living in their house previously. Sometimes it's hard, but life is too short to live for everyone else. If you were doing something terrible like stealing money off family, of course that would warrant their abhorrence of your actions. But something like renting I think ultimately in the long run they will have to at least try and be more lenient towards it, although it isn't the said thing in culture. It's not something written in the Holy Book that you aren't allowed to do, unlike stealing, for example.

Of course I'm not telling you to tell your parents this, it's just me having a little thought out loud, so sorry if I'm off on a tangeant. I just never understand why some people are so rigid in their beliefs that they wont allow their children to make their own choices. You raise your children as best you can, then you hope they will follow in your footsteps or do something else great with their lives but ultimately, you have to let them open their own wings.

I hope you manage to find yourself in a situation that will work for you OP and that will eventually work for your family. It's not nice to do something that your family are particularly against, I am sure and I am also sure that you have their best interests at heart - but you have to think of your own sanity as well.

Good luck :)

thanks aint,

i know when i have kids the most important thing to me is that they are happy with the choices they have made in life. i know i have certain preferences, but at the end of the day i'd rather had a happy child who is living their life the way that they want (as long as it isn't hurting anybody else), rather than an unhappy child who does everything exactly as i would prefer.

On the part buy-part rent option, have you checked this website OP?

Hope you find a way that you can break out of the unhappy place you're in now.

Just read the rest of the thread. It does sound very hard op. Im not sure why some posters are being so harsh towards you. Its very hard to get out from underneath anyone that controlling, including your own parents. Emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love, respect, affection,approval and in this case even food!

It reminds me of an abusive relationship i was in.

No-one has said that there's a hierarchy of abuse (and I agree that the OP is in an abusive relationship with her parents). No-one has said the OP has it easy.

But her situation has a more straightforward resolution than most.

For the record, I haven't told her to just move out, or suck it up, or get your own life. And I wouldn't.

But, you know what? I might be projecting. I've spent the past week meeting young carers (my firm wants to partner with a charity or social enterprise working with young carers and I've bed asked to help choose which one of several is the most deserving. Most deserving, FFS.)

I've met kids who haven't ever even dreamed of getting their own place, let alone with help from their parents, practical or financial, because they know they can't leave the parent they're looking after. They may or may not get jobs, depending.

I also had a controlling father; the saving grace for me was that he killed himself when I was 16 which freed me to follow my own course. Not so my younger brother, who was so fucked up that he hasn't been able to form a relationship for 20 years.

So I do have some understanding of OP's position. And I stand by my previous post.

I just wanted to add that I categorically am not saying the parents of young carers are abusive. Just that young carers find themselves in situations where they have far fewer choices available to them than the OP has. I hope I haven't caused any offence to either young carers or their parents, and offer my heartfelt apologies if I have.

You're gopod people Cinnabar

Or even good (have no idea what a gopod person might be like)

There's a house finder function on the help to buy website. They're also expanding it to non-new builds early next year :)

Hi Op,

Your situation sounds awful. But as somebody else said up thread, nobody else is going to change. So you need to figure out how to best help yourself.

Could you consider getting a job in a different part of the country, and moving there? Any change of moving with your current job, or getting a 'better' job elsewhere? It might be easier to move further away than stay close by.

Alternatively, could you take up something (that you would enjoy) which will keep you away from home more? e.g. Evening classes, charity work, hobbies, etc.

Life is for living. There is no rehearsal or chance to it over again. You are entitled to be happy. You sound very unhappy at the moment. Try figure out what YOU can do to to increase your happiness levels.

Lastly, have you considered counselling? Even if it is just to give you coping strategies, and help you to reclaim happiness for yourself.

Wishing you well.