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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Or should somebody step in and say something?

266 replies

stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 11:06

We are supposed to be having a family visit today, to visit elderly grandparents, and out first cousin who is staying with them. Our cousin is visiting from America and we haven't seen her in about 15 years. They live about an hours drive from us.

My Dsis aged 22 (who has learning difficulties similar to aspergers, not sure if relevant but didn't want to drip feed) has recently entered into a relationship (about 2 months and we haven't met him yet) with a guy who happens to live 5 minutes from my grandparents. She would like to leave mid way through the visit (only an afternoon visit so only a few hours anyway) to visit her boyfriend. She is currently studying at unit a few hours from home and has come home for the weekend especially to see this cousin.

I think she should either go earlier and see him before visiting family, stay later and visit him in the evening after visiting family, or not see him today at all. We only have a few hours to spend with our cousin, who has travelled a very long way to see us, so her priority should be family first, and boyfriend second.

My parents have said its fine if she wants to leave mid-way to see her boyfriend, and that my grandparents and cousin won't mind. I think it's a bit rude, but as she does have learning difficulties she may not realise this. I think that somebody else should explain to her how today the priority should be family first, and that she should see her boyfriend after the visit, so she can spend the maximum amount of time with family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 28/09/2013 14:40

YABU and unnessacerily on yours sisters case. If she is 22 and going to University I think that you need to back off a bit. Everyone but you is ok with this.

WhirlyByrd · 28/09/2013 14:42

Just to point out that people with Aspergers do not have a learning disability or learning difficulties. It is a social communication disorder.

WhirlyByrd · 28/09/2013 14:45

FYI, this is from GOSH:
Children are diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome if they do not have a delay in development of their language abilities and if they do not have general developmental (or intellectual) delay, while children are given a diagnosis of autism if they did develop language later, or if they have a learning disability.

The most important diagnostic distinction is that language is not a problem for children with Asperger syndrome and they don’t have learning difficulties.

carlywurly · 28/09/2013 14:52

I remember your last post about your sister. I felt terribly sorry for her and still do. I don't think she's doing anything wrong, and the problem lies with you.
I really think you should be looking to change your living arrangements as things clearly aren't suiting you, and I can't imagine she's happy being criticised either.

Mojavewonderer · 28/09/2013 14:58

I'm not being funny op but you also have very different view points to your family too as they don't mind your sister leaving early to see her boyfriend. They are all loved up for goodness sake. Sounds to me like you are jealous of your sister!

PeriodFeatures · 28/09/2013 15:06

hello stressed sister. hope you are doing o.k.

....and breathe!

I remember your last post too.

I had a lot of compassion for you, people were really harsh, i was initially.

I think we talked about co-dependency?

I know you have had a tough time with dsis and family but as people said, you could really benefit from letting go.

I hope you are o.k

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 19:54

I think people here are being extremely harsh and critical.

First of all, I admitted hours ago that I probably was being a bit unreasonable, and yet people have continued to slag me off despite me admitting I was wrong.

Secondly, I have not said anything about the fact that I disagreed with her decision, therefore I am not actually criticising her nor have I been rude to her, as many of you are implying that I am.

OP posts:
Joolsy · 28/09/2013 21:21

I agree, some people have been harsh, however you did say in your original post that you didn't think she should leave mid-way through the visit, i.e. you did disagree with her decision

Moxiegirl · 28/09/2013 21:27

Why do you even care about this?!
It's odd, no one else cares. I wouldn't be that fussed about seeing someone I hadn't seen since I was 7 either, yabu.

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 21:28

Yes I did disagree, and I do see that I am wrong in that.

However I did not say anything to her or anyone else about it, even though it was upsetting me.

If I were to have e.g. made a comment to her about it, I see that would have been rude/critical. However I don't see how keeping my own personal opinions about the situation to myself still apparently makes me rude and critical according to people on here.

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 28/09/2013 22:49

I haven't seen your other posts but it occurs tome that maybe you have issues or concerns about her having a boyfriend?

AdmiralData · 28/09/2013 22:59

YANBU OP, My brother is Autistic and is encouraged to be as footloose and fancy free as he wants, regardless of other peoples feelings. In fact, his behaviour is encouraged by the family so everyone has to plan everything around him down to the very minute. YADNBU to feel the way you do. Your Dsis could arrange to meet her DP after a nice few hours spent with family. I suggest you find a more suportive thread than AIBU x

AdmiralData · 28/09/2013 23:17

supportive* grr. Spelling fail.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 28/09/2013 23:34

Is this the guy that you don't like & don't think she should be seeing?

Original poster
stressedsister1 · 28/09/2013 23:43

I suggest you find a more suportive thread than AIBU

Unfortunately Mumsnet does not offer a forum for siblings of people with special needs, only their parents, which is a shame because it would probably offer me the support I need.

Is this the guy that you don't like & don't think she should be seeing?

As I mentioned in my original post, nobody in my family has met him, including me, so I don't know enough about him to know if I like him or not.

However I do know that after her last relationship ended she was screaming, crying and having tantrums about it for 2 years afterwards, so I do have some reservations about her entering into a relationship.

I realise that it's her life and her decision, and I do want her to be happy, but her behaviour following her previous relationship was unbearable and I cannot go through it again.

OP posts:
Mindmaps · 29/09/2013 07:28

You can't go through it again? You really do need to get over yourself if you think your sister should not be in a relationship because you found her response to its ending upsetting. You have just validated all the criticism on this thread. WTF has it got to do with you

IsItMeOr · 29/09/2013 07:51

Are you the older or younger sister? I don't think you've said.

It sounds like you feel that you are obliged to have a very close relationship with your sister. It also sounds like you feel responsible for her behaviour. It also sounds like this is making you very unhappy.

I recently worked with a woman in her 50s, who had an older sister with learning disabilities, and she spoke about her very much like you do. After working with her for 2 years, I came away with the impression that she no longer had any idea how to be happy in life.

This is not the future I would wish on you.

I think you should try to find a way to focus more on what you want to do with your life, and then consider how your relationship with your sister fits into that. Many adult siblings have little or no contact with each other. While parents may wish it different - and my experience suggests that the disability dimension makes this particularly intense - you are a free person and can make your own decisions about how much of your life this relationship takes up.

Good luck OP.

LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 07:59

Op the reason you have received the comments you have is purely to do with how derogatory you are about your sister. You need to focus on your own life and let your sister live hers. Invest more time in you and less in her.

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 08:03

I too remember your other thread. I second advice about you starting a thread on a more supportive area of the board. It doesn't have to be specific to siblings, how about Relationships?

youarewinning · 29/09/2013 08:07

there is an SN chat section. It's highly supportive and I would suggest you come over thee and talk about how being the sibling of someone with SN affects you. I feel it goes deeper then this current situation.

PS we have a pub Grin Wine

TiredDog · 29/09/2013 08:17

I have two adult daughters who cannot stand each other. Set aside the SN aspect of this for a minute and remember that many sisters hate each others guts and living together intensifies that.

It may have nothing to do with her SN and more to do with personality clashes. I can hear one of my daughters talking about her sister with the same frustration and 'hate' as you do. I suspect you are fuelled by a sense of obligation to be more understanding because of the SN but instead of this making you more understanding ...its making you more resentful.

You need to have some distance between you. This is not a relationship that will improve otherwise.

I feel sorry for both of you. Living with someone who can't stand you or who you can't stand is horrible.

Retroformica · 29/09/2013 08:27

Invite the boyfriend to grans?

geekgal · 29/09/2013 09:37

I actually do feel for you a bit, for various reasons I was put into a position by my parents to "look after" my older sister who had various issues. This is not fair at all, especially if the parents are able to do it, so my suggestion would be to do what I did - move out! That way you are no longer responsible for her and you can concentrate on yourself, something that it sounds like you've never really been able to do before. It may even make your relationship better in the long run as you'll be less stressed worrying about what she's doing with her life.

frogspoon · 29/09/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 29/09/2013 09:48

If your sister suffers with social interactions, then meeting a cousin she hasn't seen in 15 years will probably not mean as much to her as what it does to you.

I would stop focusing on what your sister does and concentrate on yourself and strategies on how to not allow what your sister does to upset you as much as it seems to do.

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