DH coming home from night out at 4.20am

[Mumofhree]

AIBU to be furious with my DH coming home from a night out at 4.20am? I am 40 years old, have two small children (4 and 2) and am 35 weeks pregnant. I find it difficult to sleep now anyway but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen.

So tmw will be full of arguments and he will try and find himself time to recover from night out.

This isn't te first time it has happened

The OP is weeks away from having her baby. All this but...but..but she's PREGNANT! lamenting makes me .

He should be considerate all the time, not just because she's pregnant, or because he had the barefaced reckess audacity to stay out past midnight.

If he was, those things wouldn't be a factor, I'm sure.

I totally agree.

I'm pretty sure she's capable of saying 'I'm just popping out for a bit' of an evening, but as she says, she's been out of the socialising loop for a bit (I know is was, as the bfing meant I didn't really fancy going out of an evening).

She's a big girl. If she wants to go out, I'm sure she can.

Lots of people do leave their kids with their husbands. They've fallen into a rut of not doing that, because of the renos and constant baby making/ feeding. It doesn't mean he is the devil incarnate. It means they are both knackered, working way too hard, and have little opportunity to socialise, hence the rudeness, whining, and bickering. It's entirely normal. Most families with toddlers and babies go through it, and I imagine with a reno on top it just exacerbates the problem.

She can leave the house - he hasn't chained to her the sink. He just went out for a beer and got in late. She can easily say 'don't do any reno today, I'm off out for lunch with the girls'...

But you don't know that. You really have no idea.

Nope. I don't.

But neither do you...

True. I am probably projecting a bit but looking at what OP has posted as well.

When it was me, by the time my kids were 4 I had no friends left to go out with. I had had to cancel plans so much due to my ex being unpredictable and drunk and just not being around to take care of the children at times when I had arranged to go out that they got fed up and stopped asking me. If I did get to go to my friends he would call after an hour asking when I was coming back. And he'd keep on doing it until I came back which would wake my friend's dd up. There wasn't any give and take and mutual respect and it does eat away at a relationship.

I'd suggest the 4.20am thing is the tip of the iceberg because on it's own it's not the biggest thing in the world.

Definitely projecting, then.

But we all do that.

I just know how much having small toddlers and breast fed babies affected my own social life. But I also had a husband that went out occasionally until 4am.

I also left him on his own with the kids at weekends whilst I went to work (we weren't doing a reno). So he played an equal part in the child raising.

My social life was still shit.

The division of responsibility in a relationship is something for each couple to work out - and yes, so is the division of social time.

It looks as though work and a reno is the dh's 'job' in this relationship, and the childbirth and rearing is the op's. both are ft.

I don't see that it's a big deal for the dh to go out and get back late unless it's tooooooooooo regular an occurrence - he does need to blow off steam once in a while. He shouldn't be stopped from doing that just because the op can't do it herself at the moment. So they both need to work out how/ when she's going to get her 'rest' from her ft job.

Of course, if he's being a cock, then whatever. But it looks like a perfectly normal 'everybody knackered and I can't get drunk myself and I've just realised I haven't been able to for four years' hormonal rage. Yes, I've been there. But we all make choices about the division of responsibility, and they all have pros and cons.

I'm not a huge fan of the 'you woman, you look after the babies' role, because that leads to inevitable problems (when the reno is finished, for example) - and that's why I worked weekends and left him with the kids from Friday until Sunday night - but sometimes you need the rage in order to re-evaluate and rethink your division of responsibility.

It doesn't sound like the dh is slacking in terms of his overall commitment to what the couple are committed to providing, but it sounds as though the Dw has just realised that she has fallen into the 'easy' trap. Me woman, me child carer. It does take some effort on both the dh and ds's part to look at whether that works in the longer term. For her, as well as the family.

It doesn't necessarily mean that he's an arse. He might be, but it doesn't follow.

Op has said she didn't have a problem with him going out I think. It was more the fact that by coming back in the early hours he was going to be next to useless in offering any help to her and tbh she sounds exhausted.

If she isn't getting a similar amount of downtime then it's not on as you rightly say they both work ft in essence.

I never really pay much heed to the 'too tired to play a part in childcare' routine. If you've been up all night drinking, or up all night feeding or calming a fussy baby, you're still knackered. So, suck it up, and get on with it the next day. Sure, it's nice, and a treat, if one lets the other have a lie in once in a while. As long as he lets her lie in when she's been up all night with the newborn, in a month or two, once in a while, job done.

Once baby is born there is nothing to stop the op going and doing whatever she wants. Just tell her dh she is going out and then go. Just because you have babies/children your social life doesnt have to end.

"Once baby is born there is nothing to stop the op going and doing whatever she wants."

Yeah, nothing at all to stop her going and doing WHATEVER she wants.

FFS, what kind of parents come onto these threads?

You think that as soon as you pop out a baby you can just go and do whatever you want whenever you fancy it?

I go out on the piss pretty regularly, but the commitment to being a piss artist on some of these threads is hilarious.

There is no need for anyone to be going out until 4.20 in the morning when there is a pregnant partner and two small children.

That's just a fucking stupid way to carry on.

And no, nobody NEEDS to let off steam by getting shitfaced.

Except alcoholics.

Coming home at 2am for a couple of months while your wife is knackered isn't going to make any appreciable difference to your social life unless you are a total pisshead.

I go out until that time and am far from an alcoholic. Its a nice break, I see my friends, Im still me, and kids are with their dad at home and hes just as much a parent as me. I think more people should try going out and having a laugh, probably less likely to be resentful and stressed, and in turn much less likely to get divorced as zero tension in household as everyone is happy and has down time.

I also bfed for nearly a year blah de blah but I was still going out until 4/5am on the big nights. My children seem normal. They are being left with their own dad. I stand by the fact you should be able to carry on with your social life after your kids

Great posts ugly fuckling

i actually think that bitching about how they have to take care of their own children the next morning (how do they think single parents cope FFS) is just a smoke screen for their general annoyance that other people actually go out and enjoy themselves.

and I think a lot of these women don't actually even want a reciprocal arrangement. Given the same oppportunities they probably wouldn't go out and enjoy themselves anyway. Because they don't actually really want to. they just like to stay in and not do much and are annoyed and bitter that their Dh doesn't feel just the same. Hence he has to be routinely punished whilst pretending to take the moral high ground eg 'sensible adults don't do this' 'good dads don't do this' 'only immature twats like to stay out past midnight'

I think I agree with this.

Going out and staying out till the wee smalls is like everything else...fine in moderation. I see nothing wrong in rocking in as the sun comes up, and having my hangover pandered to by H. I don't do it very often, and I deserve a bit of slack because I look after my loved ones very well the rest of the time.

The OP was annoyed at her dh already when this happened. He's a lazy, inconsiderate husband, and a crap dad, so no wonder!

But don't tell me I don't 'need' to go out till 4am. What's it to you?

You're missing the point!

If I am living with the other parent of my children then I expect him to do his share and not take me for granted. The DH in this case clearly just assumes that the OP will pick up his slack when he decides to absent himself for the day due to a hangover.

Thats not on. I wouldnt do that to my co parent so why the hell does he get to do that to me?

Had they discussed it and the OP had said "yes ok, have a good night, take Sunday off" and then gone back on that then yes, she WBU. But that didnt happen. He went out, got plastered and assumed that the OP would do her AND his share the next day, again.

It has nothing to do with going out late, but everything to do with a total lack of respect or appreciation.

OP - have you actually asked your OH to look after the children whilst you go out for the day / evening during the last four years?
If you have asked him and he hasn't done so then he's a twat.
If you haven't asked him then you have nothing to complain about. He isn't psychic and isn't going to guess that you want to go out and want him to take over the childcare for the day.
If you want to have some downtime but haven't asked him to look aft the children because you think that he isn't as good at parenting as you and might let the children watch tv and eat fish fingers instead of eating homemade soup and going for a nature walk then you are being both unfair and unreasonable and need to get a grip and assess whether he can be a good enough parent rather than emulating your own 'perfect parenting style'.

I think the 4.20am stop out is a total side issue to some real issues of resentment and you need to treat it separately and put it into context of the bigger picture.

I do this quite often, and so does DH. But both of us do not then feel entitled to having the next day 'off' as well. We have an understanding that we grab a few hours sleep then we are both hands on after mid day at the very least. If your DH is not taking the piss all the next day as well, when he has his nights out, I would be inclined to let it go, although I do think its a bit unsupportive doing this when your heavily pregnant and probably uncomfortable.

"He isn't psychic and isn't going to guess that you want to go out and want him to take over the childcare for the day."

OMG I had NO IDEA I was psychic!

But I must be.

Because I WOULD KNOW that if I was getting lots of time away from my children and my spouse was not that they might like me to give them a break occasionally.

Fucking hell, I'm TOTALLY AMAZING.

Happy, happy day!

"sometimes a parent needs to be selfish while the other picks up the slack and vice versa. "

Nobody NEEDS to be selfish.

And selfishness involves doing harm to other people, so it isn't really something you should EVER be doing.

You can take time for yourself without being selfish.

OMG I had NO IDEA I was psychic!

But I must be.

Because I WOULD KNOW that if I was getting lots of time away from my children and my spouse was not that they might like me to give them a break occasionally.

Well if the OP is going about on a constant whirlwind of nature walks, activities etc and never showing any signs of wanting a rest or needing a break from the children or wanting a day shopping with her mum etc without the children in tow then how is her husband supposed to know?
The husband might think that his wife sees him as a bit useless and inadequate as a parent as he isn't interested in ensuring that every second of the children's lives is doing something 'constructive' and therefore not realise that it might be a good idea to take over for the day.

I do suspect that if the OPs husband took over totally for a couple of days the OP would be back asking if she is being unreasonable in thinking her husband is a crap parent because he looked after the kids for a couple of days and let them eat fishfingers and pizza and spend the mornings watching kids tv.

If things are so crap why have three children? Why not stop at one?

OMG I had NO IDEA I was psychic!

But I must be.

Because I WOULD KNOW that if I was getting lots of time away from my children and my spouse was not that they might like me to give them a break occasionally

Well if the OP is going about on a constant whirlwind of nature walks, activities etc and never showing any signs of wanting a rest or needing a break from the children or wanting a day shopping with her mum etc without the children in tow then how is her husband supposed to know?
The husband might think that his wife sees him as a bit useless and inadequate as a parent as he isn't interested in ensuring that every second of the children's lives is doing something 'constructive' and therefore not realise that it might be a good idea to take over for the day.

I do suspect that if the OPs husband took over totally for a couple of days the OP would be back asking if she is being unreasonable in thinking her husband is a crap parent because he looked after the kids for a couple of days and let them eat fishfingers and pizza and spend the mornings watching kids tv.

If things are so crap why have three children? Why not stop at one?