DH coming home from night out at 4.20am

[Mumofhree]

AIBU to be furious with my DH coming home from a night out at 4.20am? I am 40 years old, have two small children (4 and 2) and am 35 weeks pregnant. I find it difficult to sleep now anyway but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen.

So tmw will be full of arguments and he will try and find himself time to recover from night out.

This isn't te first time it has happened

Why does it matter?

5 weeks until you are due? He's having a night out. Is contactable by phone as are his mates which presumably you have the number of. No where round here shuts before 3. He's having a night out. If es hung over tomorrow ten he has to deal with that as well as children
Think you sound rather over bearing tbh but that's probably raging hormones which never help.

I do think OP has every right to say to her dh: 'Oi dh, I am extremely pregnant & knackered, & do not want to be kidwrangling single-handedly whilst you nurse your head tomorrow. You need to be in a fit state in the morning so do NOT take the piss by rolling in at 4am'.

(Assuming he's not one of these Supermen who go golfing & riding after 30 minutes sleep - in fact, arguably, even if he is, if worrying about him will ruin her night's sleep).

& really, even if she hasn't explicitly said it, because she wasn't expecting him to do it - he knows his own dw, he should know if this is going to be OK or not, & if he's unsure, he should call & ask.

It's basic marital teamwork not to absent yourself, whether physically or by being incapable, if you know damn well it's going to have a horrible impact on your other half.

I just can't extrapolate from that, though, that it's never OK for one parent to go out on the lash & the other pick up the slack, or that fancying a night out until 4am is somehow something grownups shouldn't be doing.

Yy to The Fun Police.

I have also known just as many men who think there's something immoral about not wanting to be tucked up in bed with a mug of Ovaltine at 9pm.

RavenAK Voice of wisdom here. Really sums it up fully.

True Raven.

It's not the going out - going out is fun and all that. It's the making sure this is all okay with each other. Giving each other a decent chance for leisure activities of their choice etc and a bit of head space. Mutual respect.

It doesn't have to mean one partner is dictating to the other and imposing curfews.

Hear hear Raven

Ok so the update!!

Thank you all so much for your replies. This was the first time I had posted on here and it was great to get some perspective. It actually helped me to calm down and work out what I was so annoyed about and whether I felt justified.

DH is actually 35 - not 40 like me. I do not impose a curfew on him at all He has so much freedom to do whatever he likes. He could be out every night if he wanted (as long as it didn't impact on the next day). I take care of the children on my own all day every day. He has had the children for 1 day on his own in 4 years as we have been renovating a house - so it is not that I am incapable of looking after them on my own!

For any of you that have forgotten what it is like to be 35 weeks pregnant - insomnia, tiny bladder that wakes you up 5 times a night, baby wriggling around, breathlessness etc. It's not the baby coming early that I was worried about. It's the fact that the next day when I could have someone to help, I literally have to battle to get assistance with anything. And, he can be really rude because he doesn't want to do anything. It's possibly his rudeness that creates the problems the next day as opposed to him nursing a hangover.

As it was, because I had only gone to bed at 5am I went to sleep in the afternoon, my sister took my eldest and he looked after the youngest (whilst handing her an iPad and watching the football himself).

And perhaps, there is a teeny tiny bit of resentment that my WHOLE life changed when I had children and his seems to have just taken off!! It's not easy to go out myself and write off the next day in any way. The children want me to put them to bed and they want me to look after them the next day. I don't believe in just sitting them in front of the TV on days when we could be out (ok, occasionally). They are only young once and I want every day to count - especially when the nights are drawing in and outdoor activities become less possible/attractive. I suppose it makes me realise what a HUGE responsibility being a mother is. I have so much respect for young single mothers who take it on. I can't just get up and carry on with my life in a way that was possible for my DH.

And, whilst I'd love to go out, being pregnant and not drinking means I am more likely to go to the cinema or out for dinner than stay out until 4am. Having been pregnant 3 times in 4 years and breastfed 2 babies for over a year each, I have been out of the drinking/partying scene for quite a long time. It can't help but change your perception of what seems acceptable.

Anyway, thank you all for your opinions. I am sure I will be posting again!

Dh and I stay out this late nearly every time we go out, and that is regularly. God its only 4.20 if a person at a young age like 35 cant get up and look after their kids the next day they must be very out of practice and old before their time imo.

Both of us often have 3 hours sleep get up, go to work, take kids swimming, parties etc. Most of our peer group do the same, and still carry on as normal the next day.

The kids want you ? Well bloody change that! Bet he's loving it

Hi OP, thanks for coming back and updating. If you're new here, beware that AIBU always gets strong opinions and rude direct answers. Chat can be a nicer place to be (sometimes). Hope you keep coming back. It is good that you updated.

I'll throw in my tuppence worth... It is some of the stuff in your update that would concern me more than the late night (annoying as that is).

You say having DC has totally changed your life but not your DH. Is he pulling his weight? Ok, you've a lot on with the house Reno but, he's only had the DC for one day on his own?! This would not be ok to me.

Think about what would happen if you went into hospital for a couple if weeks- could he cope? Would the kids cope? My advice is to talk to DH and arrange a few more times for him to spend time alone with the children. Say he needs to get some practice in before DC3 arrives.

This should also help him realise how much hard work it is having them on your own and appreciate you more.

And if he's not pulling his weight with the housework either (you don't mention it but it seems to often be the case in a situation like this) then make some steps to change this too. Ask on here for help as to how.

You are both parents and need to share childcare ie putting to bed

Have a friend who always puts her dc to bed - dd screams if it is daddy and she is now 5!!!!

That's coz my friend never allowed dp to put their child to bed - she always wanted to do it and this is unfair to her dp and also she has now made probs for her self as dd strops each bedtime making dp feel
Crap

Op thanks for update and as a first post your replies were quite fair and honest :) but I would start allowing / getting dh to do bath and bedtime and other childcare aspects

Go to bed for an afternoon and leave dh in charge - you don't need to do it all your self

"It's the fact that the next day when I could have someone to help, I literally have to battle to get assistance with anything. And, he can be really rude because he doesn't want to do anything."

That is totally unacceptable.

You are heavily pregnant.

When I was that pregnant DH basically took over all childcare at the weekends so that I didn't have to do it.

Staying out half the night getting drunk and then refusing to do your share (never mind the extra burden you should be shouldering to help your pregnant partner) is just shitty behaviour.

Just one teeny point from your update - the children only wanting you to out them to bed and be with them during the day - you need to change that. You're making a rod for your own back if they can't/won't go to anyone else. You'll never get any time 'off'.

excellent post theugly

Yeah, of course, it's the OP's fault that her children's father is rude and unhelpful when she asks for help when he's hungover.

Because she's the "fun police"

Do people who think going out to get pissed is so crucially important to self-identity really imagine they're that much fun?

Hint: you are not.

And I'm mad for a bit of binge drinking.

But I don't think it makes me interesting or some kind of free spirit. Just a person who likes drinking more than I probably should.

This hasnt got much to do with drinking. If he cant even look after his kids when he hasnt been out then he is just a loser in general.

TheUglyFucklng - good post.

I do think there's a bit of wrong on both sides here. The OP does sound precious and martyred, while the H sounds as though he's being selfish and thoughtless, but then he's probably had years of being told he's 'doing it all wrong' and 'every moment of chil,dhood is precious'.

But it is a problem for the OP and for that fact alone her dh needs to have a think about his behaviour. If he is rude and snappy the next day he needs to pack it in. It is not the OP's fault he hasn't had much sleep. If he can't handle that then maybe he should get in earlier?

It's all very well saying 'there really isn't a problem' from your point of view because you think it's all fine but if it is making the OP's life harder then there is a problem for her.

There's so much more here than your OP suggested, and so much else that your OP becomes almost by-the-by.

There's one of two things going on here.

One, you've done everything for the kids since they were born and he is rarely involved, so he's effectively been enabled to continue his old life. Which seems to include going out till 4am and spending the next day hungover. By you continuing to do everything and not taking him to task on this, he's just going to keep doing it and not magically realise you need help this weekend. If this works for you as a couple, fine. If it doesn't work then you need to tell him in no uncertain terms what needs to change.

The other option is that you are drastically unhappy with the situation and want it to change, in which case there is a much bigger and sadly more familiar problem, and a simple AIBU about him drinking one night doesn't even touch it.

In my experience, the majority of families don't operate the way you describe (I say majority from friends etc, I know MN gives a different viewpoint as it is women who need help and support who post on here). Sure, each parent has things they do with the kids a lot more than the other parent does. I do 90% of the bathtime and bedtimes because of the way our working weeks and childcare works out. Doesn't mean that DP doesn't know how to do it, or just caves in if DD is disgruntled that it's not me reading her a story. The majority of families I know, both parents lives have changed. Both parents know how to do everything for the child/ren, even if they don't do it very often.

There's a much bigger issue here, but only you can decide what the real problem is.

I'd be fuming personally