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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home from night out at 4.20am

208 replies

Mumofhree · 14/09/2013 05:03

AIBU to be furious with my DH coming home from a night out at 4.20am? I am 40 years old, have two small children (4 and 2) and am 35 weeks pregnant. I find it difficult to sleep now anyway but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen.

So tmw will be full of arguments and he will try and find himself time to recover from night out.

This isn't te first time it has happened

OP posts:
MisselthwaiteManor · 14/09/2013 07:34

It's not treating someone like a possession to expect them to behave like an adult and take other people's feelings into consideration. Under normal circumstances there is nothing wrong with the occasional late night out but OP is heavily pregnant and is going to have to deal with 2 toddlers on her own tomorrow, on no sleep, while he lazes about feeling sorry for himself. I think that's the issue more than him going out, it's the 'finding himself time to recover' that's so selfish.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 07:38

The children aren't going to be sleep all the next day when he's nursing his hangover, are they?

Good for you, maddy68. Hardly the same situation, given the chances are your DH isn't 35 weeks pregnant.

Screwfox · 14/09/2013 07:40

You presume he's hungover.
The poster suggesting going out and taking coffee etc I'd just an idiot.

Runningchick123 · 14/09/2013 07:45

The OP doesn't state (unless I missed it) that her partne is the type who suffers badly from hangovers and will need the whole of today to recover, leaving her to deal with two active toddlers.
When my husband goes out drinking he still manages to get up at a reasonable hour (always before 9am) and does his share of whatever needs doing. It's not unknown for him to he in at 2am and be up at 6am with the kids and off to the park by 8am with bikes and footballs and children in tow.
Just because some adults need half a day to recover, doesn't mean they all do.

AnotherStitchInTime · 14/09/2013 07:48

YANBU I am 20 weeks pregnant with a 18 month old and 4 year old, so I completely understand how tiring that can be.

The problem is not necessarily the time he got it, it is that he will be a hungover bear with a sore head for a whole weekend day, a day when you would normally get a bit more rest.

My DH has only done this once since I had dd2, before I knew I was pregnant with dc3 and he still got up the next morning to see the kids, he just napped when dd2 did later on in the day.

He is very selfish to have done this now, would he have been able to drive you to hospital and be your birthing partner in the state he got home in?

beginnings · 14/09/2013 07:51

Yanbu. As I reminded by DH when he did something similar recently when I was 36 weeks pregnant, you don't get to shut the front door and forget what's behind it. You get a break but not in the same way as before.

But then I've never ever understood wanting to go out and get so drunk I'm horribly hungover. I've done it, at uni, when a graduate etc, but it's stupid and pointless and makes adults look like idiots.

Screwfox · 14/09/2013 07:52

Hark at grandma

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 07:53

The OP is 40. Chances are, her DP is too. Not exactly a spring chicken.

And he didn't roll in at 2AM, but nearly half past 4 in the morning. Chances are, he's not going to be up at 6AM with the kids and off to the park with bikes. Hmm

Pagwatch · 14/09/2013 07:57

I can't sleep well when DH is out but that's my problem and not his so it's not something I would complain about.
Dh goes where he wants to because he's an adult but he talks to me about it and doesn't take the piss because he cares about me and his children.

If he goes out he comes home when he wants to in the full knowledge that his hangover is his problem and if he needs to take DD swimming at 7.00, that is his cross to bear and not mine.
What kind of tossers spend half the day 'nursing a hangover'.
Get the fuckup, take something and stop whining.

ThePuffyShirt · 14/09/2013 07:58

I can't sleep until my dh gets home. But that's my problem, not his.

I think YABU, unless he does it all the time in which case he is.

Runningchick123 · 14/09/2013 07:58

Apparently only young people can go out and enjoy themselves now Hmm
Not to self: when you get to 40 you must become a boring hermit and only leave the house to go to work, do shopping or tend to the children. Do not go out with girly old lady friends and get a little bit tipsy because you will look a total fool, neglect all adult responsibilities and come across as a total selfish git for needing a half our nap during the day when the kids are occupied watching a DVD.

Runningchick123 · 14/09/2013 07:59

Pagwatch - you summarised it perfectly!

Pickturethis · 14/09/2013 07:59

If they have a 4 and 2 year old and a baby on the way, and this isn't his first time, why keep having children with him?

Or why expect him to change? If he is 40 he's not going to change much now.

SilverApples · 14/09/2013 08:02

' but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen. '

What will happen, exactly?
I usually come home and go to bed. OH wakes up if I'm cold when I snuggle up to him, but goes back to sleep with a grumble.

'Unless I have told dh a time (which I never do). I work on the basis i have my phone, children are looked after by a responsible adult and I never get so drunk that I couldn't jump straight in a cab and get home to deal with any crisis.'
Exactly, dyzzidi.

Titsalinabumsquash · 14/09/2013 08:03

Screwfox, you sound like a child.

Some people don't enjoy getting leg less, it doesn't make them a 'grandma'

I'm not pregnant (although I do have 3 kids including a baby) and I'd be annoyed if DP went out until the crack of dawn and then needed to recover or catch up on sleep the next day leaving me width all the kids. As he'd be if I did it.

We have children that need caring for, our partying until early hours days are over but we knew that when we had children.

Some people are different, don't be an idiot.

Coconutty · 14/09/2013 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverApples · 14/09/2013 08:06

I never have a problem sleeping when OH is out, the whole bed to myself? What's not to love?

BuskersCat · 14/09/2013 08:06

I really can't get worked up about this, he went out for the night, and will have a sleep in today, so what?

I've done it, as has dp

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 08:12

LOL at 40 being too old to go out. Grin

That's not what I meant. I meant that the hangover the next day gets worse as you get older - what you'd shake off in your 20s and maybe 30s, becomes more difficult to do, the older you get. [/speaks from bitter experience]

Chances are - a 40-year old rolling in at 4:20AM is not going to be fit for much the next day.

In any case, the OP seems to have disappeared, so at this point, we're arguing amongst ourselves.

Pagwatch · 14/09/2013 08:12

I quite like having the evening to myself and the bed to myself. It's just irritating I sleep really poorly when he's not home - don't know why.
Although the dogs go nutso when he isn't home, doing my fav bark, the one that says..

there, out there - AXE MURDERER -RIGHT NOW!

That doesn't help

Tryharder · 14/09/2013 08:22

It wouldn't bother me unless it were very frequently or I suspected he was out shagging or we couldn't afford it or as has been pointed out, he was regularly coming in so drunk that he was incapable of action at all the following day.

Do people really impose curfews on their DHs? Really?

If I said to my DH, you've got to be in by midnight, he'd tell me to fuck off and vice versa. However, we are both old gits whose idea of a good night is a bottle of wine in front of a good film.

beginnings · 14/09/2013 08:30

Screwfox I'm sure you're incredibly cool and switched on and I'm just an old codger. Hmm

Get one of your mates to film you next time you're throwing up into a bin and show it to your children the following day, I'm sure it will make you so proud.

This isn't about curfews by the way, and I don't see where the OP said it was. It's about both parents being in a position to take care of their children or having come to a mutual agreement that one of them won't be around. When you have a small child, a toddler and a heavily pregnant partner I would have thought that was just polite and living up to your responsibilities.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 08:34

ExActly.

Are people deliberately ignoring the two small children and heavily pregnant bit, in their rush to empathise with the DH?

Slainte · 14/09/2013 08:34

YANBU and everything Welease said.

Screwfox · 14/09/2013 08:38

You don't HAVE to throw up or be hungover guys.

Fwiw I haven't vomited for any reason since about 2005. Thanks for your concern.