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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home from night out at 4.20am

208 replies

Mumofhree · 14/09/2013 05:03

AIBU to be furious with my DH coming home from a night out at 4.20am? I am 40 years old, have two small children (4 and 2) and am 35 weeks pregnant. I find it difficult to sleep now anyway but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen.

So tmw will be full of arguments and he will try and find himself time to recover from night out.

This isn't te first time it has happened

OP posts:
hettienne · 14/09/2013 14:30

Maybe people stay out til 4.30 because they are having a good time? And if there are two parents then the hungover one doesn't have to look after children the next morning, they could swap for the morning after. Two parents, two weekend mornings, no problem.

Runningchick123 · 14/09/2013 14:39

Amazed here at the responses! What on earth does anyone need to stay out until 4:30 am for? How can anyone take responsibility for children the next day after such a late night

Nobody NEEDS to stay out socialising until 4.30am, but lots of people LIKE going out with their friends, having a meal, having a drink, talking and laughing for many hours. Lots of other people are happy to stay in watching TV.
I don't think many people like being nagged or made to feel guilty for going out until late or having to constantly check their watch to ensure they make it home before the curfew time imposed by their partner.

MissAntithetic · 14/09/2013 14:48

It doesn't bother me what time or state dp arrives home in.

But he knows he won't get any special treatment for being hungover except maybe a lie in and if he is lucky a sausage sarnie.

Maybe I'm stupid but it just doesn't bother me. Kids are asleep and he doesn't come home vomiting. The only time it concerned me was when stayed out until 6 when I thought he would be in at 2/3/4 ish. His phone had died and it was out of character but he was fine, just had a lock in at a pub and didn't realise it was light!

Yonihadtoask · 14/09/2013 14:48

I don't see it as a problem, unless it is every weekend, and impacts on family life.

If my DH didn't rock up until 4.20am then I would be worried, but only because he has never stayed out so late. If he phoned me with an approximate home time then all is well.

I can't really say it's wrong, as I was out last week in a town 20 miles away with friends, and ended up drunkenly phoning DH to come and pick us up and take us all home. Which he did, without complaint. I then vomited copiously most of the rest of the night.

What I am saying is that everyone is allowed some fun time. Perhaps it was his last night out before the new baby.

Thurlow · 14/09/2013 14:50

Why on earth does being older or having children mean you can't go out and have fun with your friends?!

Blimey. The fun police are always out in force on these threads...

Valdeeves · 14/09/2013 14:54

My hubby stayed out all night when I was 35 weeks pregnant - guess what happened that evening - yep, hello baby!
I'll never forget him nodding off hiding his newborn son and me shouting in my weakened, just given birth state.
It's always been a bone of contention for me that he when he goes out it always a very late one. Are most men just like that? I don't know.

Valdeeves · 14/09/2013 14:55

Holding! And I shouted "Don't drop the baby!!" - he didn't thankfully.

Poosnu · 14/09/2013 15:00

If it's a one off (special get together with old friends for example) I would just let it go, and allow him the time off the next day to recover. (Perhaps on the condition that he helped out more on the other weekend day.)

But if this happens a lot I don't think it's on. At 35 weeks you will need help the next day to look after your children, and he won't be able to help you out if he didn't get to bed until after 4.30 (leaving aside whatever hangover he might have).

Bogeyface · 14/09/2013 15:02

No one is saying that you shouldnt go out when you have kids, but equally you shouldnt go out and be back so late that you will either a) spend most of the next day catching up on sleep or b) lolling around being useless as you are so tired. The OP didnt want to be up until the early hours, otherwise she would have gone out too and sleeping that late in pg is hard enough without being disturbed by a drunk person crashing in. Even if he doesnt get a hangover, he will still be very tired, as will the OP, but unlike him she doesnt get to "find time to recover" but has to look after the children on her own.

It isnt the going out, it is the assuming that someone else will pick up the slack the next day when you are in no fit state to that people object to.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2013 15:03

Oh and incidentally, this is why I dont go out until 4 am or whatever, because I know that I have the kids to look after the next day. The only time I would do that is if it was pre agreed that I would have the next day off (as I did for my friends hen night), and expect the same consideration. At no point do I think "Ah fuck it, H will do it".

YouTheCat · 14/09/2013 15:13

That's it exactly, Bogey. There has to be some discussion and mutual agreement.

It doesn't sound like the OP was expecting her dp would stay out so late.

And a lot of the time in these situations, it isn't a reciprocal arrangement.

Nancy66 · 14/09/2013 15:19

I had a night out with two of my oldest friends in the summer. Got home at 6am. Most amazing night ever and we're all mid 40s.

It is a once-in-a-blue-moon event though

Cheerymum · 14/09/2013 15:23

My husband stayed out overnight in London, smashed, and got home at 11 am in a useless state when I was 35 weeks pregnant with twins, and had a 2 year old to care for. (Am now almost 37 weeks Smile).
Did I like it? No. Did I give him a hard time? No.
Not because I'm a doormat, but because

  1. he almost never does that
  2. it was a special occasion
  3. we discussed him staying out before he opted not to catch the last train home
  4. I trust him completely
  5. we made sure I had other local support in case of emergency that night
  6. although I ended up doing all the childcare until 5pm on Saturday while he slept it off, he spoilt me rotten for the rest of the weekend.
  7. he (and I) are a bit freaked out about how we will cope with the twins, and I think a bit of a release from the anxiety did him good - last chance for a little while So I think a lot depends on context really. Late pregnancy certainly makes you feel angry and vulnerable, and it depends on the personalities in the relationship and whether someone is taking the piss.
chrome100 · 14/09/2013 19:15

Whaaat? YABU. Why should he be given a curfew? He's an adult. If he's hungover the next day that's his choice. Let him go out and have a good time and, once the baby is here, go and do the same yourself.

McNewPants2013 · 14/09/2013 19:24

I am out every Friday (normally it at my mums). Comes home around 1 and DH sorts the DC out Saturday morning.

I still take responsibility for the DC once I am out of bed.

LindyHemming · 14/09/2013 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 14/09/2013 19:28

Yes, Euphemia.

No concept that things might be different or work differently in other people's lives. Hmm

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow · 14/09/2013 19:29

Well yes, that's because we don't know much about the op's situation and she's not been back - I think plenty of people have alluded to differences depending on the exact situation. And don't people usually extrapolate from their own experiences? After all, what else can we do?!

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow · 14/09/2013 19:33

I think everyone gets that concept, cat. But what happens in a posters own life would have a bearing on whether or not they think the OP is being unreasonable or not, so is probably relevant in the absence of further info from the OP, and is usually being used to clarify/justify a yabu or yanbu. Not a hard concept, surely? Hmm to you too.

YouTheCat · 14/09/2013 19:36

Was my Hmm necessarily to you?

I don't think everyone does get that concept though you might and I might.

Or there wouldn't be posters saying the OP is unreasonable and she should just get herself out once her baby's arrived. Because yes, that is such a practical idea when someone has just had a baby.

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow · 14/09/2013 19:38

I got the impression you were generalising about all posters on the thread, of which I am one.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2013 19:38

It is difficult to judge whether or not the OP is being unreasonable on the limited information given. The thread shows there is clearly a lot of variety in experience (FWIW I am nearly 50 and still perfectly capable of looking after DS if I have had a night out and a few drinks and only 3 hours sleep. This is because before I had DS I was quite accustomed to late nights, broken nights, shift work, charging all over the country with a hangover and a stockbag, etc. If you are used to battling through sleeplessness and hangovers, you are good at it)

It may be that the H is a selfish, sexist tosser who goes out twice a week and shambles in ratarsed at dawn, then expects to be tiptoed round, because he is The Man and he Earns The Money.

It may be that this particular night out was his dearest mate's 40th birthday and the first time he'd had more than a quiet half of shandy for five years. We don't know.

YouTheCat · 14/09/2013 19:39

So am I. So I'd be generalising about myself too. Grin

ravenAK · 14/09/2013 19:44

Our house rule is that if A rolls home on the milk float, B holds the fort until lunch & is then allowed to down tools, boot A out of their pit, & retire smugly to bed/sofa/out.

If B is pregnant & about to pop, snowed under with work or otherwise indisposed, A is told in no uncertain terms that normal rules don't apply BEFORE heading out.

Works for us.

TheUglyFuckling · 14/09/2013 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.