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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:50

Sorry about typos , toddler distracting me ( off to bed he goes )

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/09/2013 20:50

What a horrible situation :(

No your not being unreasonable, keep some form of contact and relationship with the step children of course but to expect you to do 50% is madness.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2013 20:51

Did the children get an inheritance from their dad?

I wouldn't be paying personally for step children, the financial contributions were the fathers responsibility it's not yours.

DuelingFanjo · 11/09/2013 20:51

Is there an kind of inheritance that would help them and you with the financial part of it?

TVTonight · 11/09/2013 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2013 20:52

Who is making you feel like a cow? I'm very sorry you have lost your DH Sad

Emotionally, they have lost their Dad and you have been in their lives 50% for 5 years, as long as they can remember. They must still need you.

If your financial situation has changed that is another thing and you need to look at what is practical.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 11/09/2013 20:52

I suppose it keeps a bit of normality for the children who've lost their father.

But it's your home and your time.

I have no idea if YABU or not.

Am sorry you've lost your husband.

Flowers
fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2013 20:52

Wouldn't be having them for 50% of time either that's really unreasonable

giantpurplepeopleeater · 11/09/2013 20:52

What is it you are struggling with? Looking after them, or being financially responsible?

phantomnamechanger · 11/09/2013 20:53

Wow, I am sorry for your loss.
I am sure you have no legal obligation to financially support the children from your late husbands previous relationship, or to have them 50% of time, but you really owe it to him, and to your kids, to maintain their relationship as best you can and ensure they spend regular quality time together. They have lost their daddy, they should not lose their siblings too.
I hope you have a good support network.

monkeyfacegrace · 11/09/2013 20:53

Im afraid Id have to go with what the kids wanted. They have just lost their dad.
Routine will mean the world to them at the moment, and they may feel really rejected if you stop seeing them.
Sorry for your loss though.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 11/09/2013 20:54

Where is their mum in all of this?

thebody · 11/09/2013 20:56

I am so sorry for you all. only you can gauge how much you love your step children and hiw much uiu jewd rhem snd thry need you in thrir lives.

if you need financial advice/ help/ reassessment then speak to a solicitor.

hugs.

cakebar · 11/09/2013 20:56

What is causing problems - having them visit 50% of the time or 50% of their costs?

I don't think you should have to have them for 50% of the time although you do have a responsibility to maintain the sibling link.

Money is more complicated. Was there a life insurance payout? Was your home jointly owned? Was there a will? If you have received a lump sum of any kind (or had your mortgage paid off) then you need to support these children from some of it. I don't think you should be handing over your wages to them though.

phantomnamechanger · 11/09/2013 20:56

I guess you might see it more as making family life as normal as poss for your own biological kids, and not as providing childcare for an entitled OW who may be making demands?

sarascompact · 11/09/2013 20:57

I'm sorry for your loss.

Whoever's making you out to be a cow should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. You're grieving your husband and comforting your small children through their loss and some oik is trying to guilt-trip you? Shocking.

You're only responsible for yourself. Your stepchildren's mother is responsible for them. By all means keep in contact, I'd be surprised if someone in your shoes didn't want to, but it is not your job to be a childminder for the childrens' mother, nor is it your job to bankroll her family expenses. YANBU, please stand firm on this.

cakebar · 11/09/2013 20:57

What would your DH have wanted?

RedHelenB · 11/09/2013 20:57

This has been the arrangement for all the life that they can probably remember & it's only been 6 months. If you want to step it down can you do it gradually so it's not such a shock to their system.

northernlurker · 11/09/2013 20:58

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think things have to change now but you still should be in their lives and involve them with their siblings. Did you inherit everything from your dh? Because if so that isn't fair given the age of the children and I would think you should make some provision for his children - not necessarily for living costs now but for their future. Sounds horribly difficult Sad

fabergeegg · 11/09/2013 20:58

I'm so sorry you have been bereaved. Six months is a relatively short period of time and it seems only natural that you find the arrangements with your step children much harder. Not knowing how close they are to you, it's difficult for anyone outside the situation to evaluate the impact of not having them with you so much. Financially, had you set something in place for this and did you have a chance to discuss it with your husband? It does seem like arrangements need to change to reflect what has happened, though for the children's sake, they can only benefit from as much consistency of care as you're able to give them. You have all lost the person closest to you. Nobody has a right to make you feel selfish or mean. It stands to reason your resources will be less at such a time.

I'm so sorry.

defineme · 11/09/2013 20:59

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have no experience of this, but I would automatically assume that they would revert to full time at their Mum's as I assume you're not a legal guardian? Financially I can't see why you have any responsibility other than what your dh put in his will.
I appreciate that they are little kids who've lost their Dad and I would hope you would take them out at weekends for an afternoon to see half siblings and so on, but why would you maintain 50% care?

ReallyTired · 11/09/2013 20:59

I am sorry for your lost. I suppose that your step children are your children's sibblings. If you totally lose contact then your children will suffer a breavement of losing their sibblings as well as their father.

How does the step children's mother feel about the arrangement. It seems a little odd to have 50/50 parental responsibly now that their father is dead. Surely it would be more appriopiate for you to have a role in the children's lives like a kind aunt rather than a mother type figure.

Who is making you out to be a cow?

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:59

There isn,t any money apart from the home we live in. I am now on one wage and she gets benefits for her children. I would always be here for them but I work full time too and she is a stahm but she says she want to keep thinks normal. I am personally shattered xx brb putting lik 1 to bed x

OP posts:
schmee · 11/09/2013 20:59

So sorry to hear about your loss. What is your relationship like with your late husband's ex-wife? Who is making you out to be a cow?

On the financial side - what provisions did your DH make in his will? You should surely get some legal advice on this. Would it be better to put a portion of the estate in trust for your stepchildren? Is this financially possible? Clearly the financial relationship needs to be different - the money was presumably coming from your Dh's salary before, at least notionally. It would be good to get it on an agreed legal footing.

On the contact side - I'm not surprised you don't feel able to keep to this arrangement. I guess the priorities are maintaining the sibling relationsihp between your DC and your DSC - 50% residency doesn't seem to be the only way to do this, and making sure there is some stability for your DSC. If they have spent 5 years (as long as they remember) coming to you half the time, then this will be an additional change on top of their bereavement. They are presumably quite attached to you if they have spent this much time with you. But I don't think it is reasonable to expect you to maintain this much contact, especially when you have just suffered a bereavement. Things should be expected to change long term too. I would approach this by saying you don't feel able to have them quite so much at the moment, and discussing the best ways to ensure the sibling relationship remains intact and maximising security and stability for them.

I hope you can get this resolved and I am so sorry that you are in this painful situation.

Owllady · 11/09/2013 21:01

I really don't think you should have been expected to have your step children half the week when their Dad has died no.
and the MUM? she has just what, carried on as normal? Confused

I am sorry if I have got the wrong end of thestick but this sound terribly unfair on you

otherwise kate mumsnet will come on in min and say we have all been duped again :(