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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 11/09/2013 21:36

DO NOT SELL THE HOUSE!! She won't spend it on the children, she will spend it on herself. Keep the house and leave it to the children so that it is actually for the children and not for her.

It's for the best to keep the roof over your kids heads. You don't owe that to this woman.

RandomMess · 11/09/2013 21:36

She may well think you've got some insurance money or something, put her straight ie you are broke can't afford to pay for x y z anymore but the dc are welcome to come and stay one the days you've already mentioned take it or leave it.

Really feel for you.

Where are your DH's parents/family?

BrianTheMole · 11/09/2013 21:36

Are you likely to lose all contact though op? Seriously, would she cut off her nose to spite her face and lose all that free childcare? What you are offering sounds very reasonable.

invicta · 11/09/2013 21:36

I think you need legal advice as to where you stand in terms of finances and contact. The ex wife seems to think everything will go as before, but obviously this isn't the case.

Definitely maintain contact - your suggestions sound reasonable.

Footface · 11/09/2013 21:37

Keep your home, you and dc and maybe one day dsc need somewhere to live

Xales · 11/09/2013 21:38

Party is right on the inheritance.

She seems very selfish and more concerned with herself rather than her DC. I would want my DC with me as much as possible to comfort them in this situation. It seems strange that she would still want to shove them away when she is their sole parent now. Or is that just my interpretation?

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 21:39

Also the other thing is they need time at the minute and attention , at my house I'm working and there is 2 others.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 11/09/2013 21:39

Don't sell your house mate. If its something you feel strongly about when the kids are older and you know its just them who are getting the money, then fine. But you need your house for you and your children. If she's on benefits I presume she's getting hb too? So they have somewhere to live.

DragonsAreReal · 11/09/2013 21:39

I have no idea about legalitys of house ect ect but Please don't let this woman walk all over you.

Contact should be so the dc all see each other and continue their relationships not to help her or for you to run around after them.

I would cut this to every Friday night or every other in your position.

Xales · 11/09/2013 21:40

Also if you do decide to make arrangements financially for them. Tie it up in a trust somehow until they are old enough and it goes to them not her but she can apply through neutral parties if she wants sums for specific things.

girliefriend · 11/09/2013 21:41

YANBU, so sorry for your loss and what sounds like a horrible situation.

The other mum sounds awful, she is obviously very selfish and unable to think past her own needs. Agree with the above poster who said call her bluff, tell her thats all you can provide take it or leave it. Once she has calmed down she will take it.

waltzingmathilda · 11/09/2013 21:41

He didn't have a will

In your favour, anything under £325K and it will all come to you.

Far be it from me to be harsh, you are not responsible for his other children. You are responsible for providing a roof for your children. Remember that if you get hooked up in future though, to keep your childrens inheritance away from any other partner.

mignonette · 11/09/2013 21:41

Call her bluff. If you end up w/ no contact w/ the stepchildren that is her responsibility and her fault. You cannot be expected to subsidise her lifestyle. She is perfectly capable of working and should do so. Using the children to guilt trip you into continuing payment so she can avoid working for a living is what she is doing.

Put your foot down and please pay attention to your own needs. It is such early days and this woman is distracting you from the important things in life which is grieving for your DH and supporting your children and stepchildren emotionally through their grief.

Flowers to you OP. I am sorry for your loss.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 21:42

Thank you all , you have all reassured me that I am doing the right thing , which I started to doubt x I know what te step children want but that's impossible and they understand that,.. they woukd ratherstay wit us all the ti me lol x

OP posts:
PartyOrganisor · 11/09/2013 21:42

Seasick I can see why you think it's fairer but legally, the DH dcs are only 'entitled' to inheritance on 'his' part of the house not all of it.

The OP could decide to leave her part of the house to all 4 dcs of course but that is another issue. And the OP should not feel that half of the house is her step children property.

Xales I read it the same way than you.

PartyOrganisor · 11/09/2013 21:44

Sorry x post.

It looks like that, on the top of it, you are the one who is also dealing with emotional fall out with the dcs, explaining and reassuring them...

It must be so hard when you do care for these dcs....

BABaracus · 11/09/2013 21:44

I am certain that if it comes to it, the ex wife will accept reduced contact time from you. Who else is going to look after her kids for free for her?! You may need to call her bluff though. Good luck OP and please do NOT feel guilty about it, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 21:48

I care about all 4 of them and it breaks my heart because I know I will miss them, they are apart of who we were as a family unit. In 6 months I haven't been able to grief or hurt because of everything else and it is not fair . He was my husband and my world .

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 21:51

Perhaps if the ex wife is so keen on keeping up 50/50 contact with the siblings, she could take your DC & they could all stay together at hers some of the time, give you a much needed break too by the sounds of it Wink

YABU

& so sorry for your lossThanks

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 21:52

YANOTBU

Blush
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/09/2013 21:53

I am so sorry you find yourself in this dreadful situation.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 11/09/2013 22:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I hope that you find space in your life to grieve soon.

Best Wishes to you and all four children.

mikkii · 11/09/2013 22:03

Maddymoo, I wish I knew you in RL. You seem to be the most amazing, generous person.

I understand that you have come to love your SC and want to maintain a sibling relationship for your DC and also for yourself.

I think their mum has ad a good thing for a long time, and understandably is reluctant for the status quo to change.

She is claiming benefits to support her DC, gets rid of them for half the week so can do her own thing, and arranges all their costs (and probably hassle with different collection times) to fall on your shoulders.

Why would she want things to change?

I agree that you should reiterate your current generous offer, and emphasis that you cannot continue as you are call her bluff re contact, and, like others I suspect she will soon want some free time back by giving you some contact rather than none.

I'm sorry for your loss. Its suddenness will only have made things harder to bear. You are clearly a strong and generous reason. I wish you and all your family good luck.

needaholidaynow · 11/09/2013 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

homeagain · 11/09/2013 22:13

OP you sound absolutely lovely, and I can see that they'd want to be with you. So sorry to hear of your loss and hope it works out OK. Try not to let anyone guilt trip you.