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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
myfriendflicka · 12/09/2013 14:25

Really sorry to hear about your loss, OP.

You need to put yourself and your DCs first - I hope you can work something out for the sake of your step children, but I do not think their step mother should be calling you names and trying to emotionally blackmail you at this very difficult time. Is there anyone more neutral who can speak to her and get her to be more reasonable?

Re benefits, you will be entitled to Widowed Parents Allowance and a funeral payment. You can apply for this through the Department of Work and Pensions. Please see link below:

www.gov.uk/browse/benefits/bereavement

I am a widow too, but five years down the line. You will be okay OP, and so will your children and your step children. I recommend the Merry Widow website for information and support:

www.merrywidow.me.uk/

I would also suggest joining Widowed And Young for support:
www.wayfoundation.org.uk/Screen/Home.aspx

They have branches all over the country and meet up and support eachother.

For support for your children and step-children:

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

For yourself, go to your GP and ask for bereavement counselling, or try Cruse, www.cruse.org.uk/ who provide support groups and one to one counselling, they will come to your house.

It is not correct that anyone who your DH was supporting at the time of his death has a claim on his estate. As his wife you are the main beneficiary. If you are concerned about it, consult a solicitor later on. For now, take very good care, and get all the help and support you can.

VoiceOfRaisin · 12/09/2013 14:35

I am so sorry for your loss. Working FT and caring for children on your own is a heroic task and it is too much to expect that you would also have someone else's DC 50% of the time.

You are really in the same position as the other woman. You are both single mums with 2 kids who have the same father. There is no more logic in her DC spending time with you than there is in your DC spending time with her. If she sounded nicer, I might suggest just that - in order to keep the sibling relationship you should each have the other's DC once a week. But it being one sided is crazy.

It's so sad but it sounds like just too much for you and very unfair. I hope that the other mum comes to her senses and allows a friendship to remain without dumping all the childcare on you.

I feel most for the poor little children with no dad Sad. And for you. Hugs.

VoiceOfRaisin · 12/09/2013 14:37

oh, don't sell the house! If your DH were still alive, you would not be selling the house and giving half to his ex. If your DH had wanted that, he would have done so years ago.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 15:21

YANBU.

epic78 · 12/09/2013 16:11

Sorry for your loss op. I find the bm attitude strange. She is a sahm with 2 school aged children. Why does she want to palm them off 50 per cent of the time?

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 13:37

Erghhhh I am beyond angry, 7 pm last night my step children turn up at the door , which is normally the night they come. Their mum never stuck around so had no choice to take them in. I have been ringing her since last night and nothing !!!!!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 13:42

Oh no! Call 111, you aren't their parent, you haven't agreed to have them, you can't get hold of their mother. Ask the police's advice about what to do.

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 13:44

BTW - you need to get this stopped, you haven't got access arranged with someone else's DCs, you weren't expecting them, what if you'd been out?

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 13:46

I can't do that the girls are here, it is not fair on them. I feel like she won't talk away from them because she knows I wouldn't want them to feel unwanted x

OP posts:
crescentmoon · 15/09/2013 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 15/09/2013 13:48

Can you arrange to talk to the mum while the girls are in school one day? try to sit down and come up with a suitable arrangement for everyone?

ClaimedByMe · 15/09/2013 13:52

At the times they would normally get dropped at yours go out.

crescentmoon · 15/09/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 13:54

OP - what if you were calling to say one of them were hurt? You don't have parental responsibility - she needs to ensure you are prepared to have them.

You have to make a choice, you put up with this forever or you take control back. That might upset the girls in the short term, but what if in the long term you start to resent them? Could you just put them in the car, go round to their house and take them home? Don't drop and run, sit in the car and check they get in the house before you drive off.

She'll take the piss from now on if you do nothing. If you're not prepared to do anything this weekend, I'd text her next Friday lunchtime and say "not available to look after your children for you this weekend, don't drop and run as there's going to be noone here. I'm now working a lot more weekends so don't presume I can care for your children without checking first."

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 13:55

Its hard to go out at 6/7 pm wit a 2 kids that need to go to bed , tbh I wish she would f off and leave tge girls with me , she obviously doesn't care and at least if she did then I would get support and help to keep them .. sorry I'm just ranting x

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 14:00

OP - you are afarid if you rock the boat she won't let you see them at all, however, if she likes having free time away from them and you are the only option for that, she's unlikely to cut her nose off to spite her face.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 14:03

I don't think I am even angry for myself anymore , I'm niw angry for them , what kind of mum would treattheir own kids like that.

OP posts:
kc77 · 15/09/2013 14:09

What an absolute bitch (her, not you maddy). I would be tempted to take them straight back, as upsetting as it would be for them, you cannot carry on like this, you need to teach the selfish bitch a lesson.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 14:13

Its hard, I am trying to think about what's right fot them, my kids , and wht my husband would do. The thing is legally I don't think I would have a chance .

OP posts:
kc77 · 15/09/2013 14:15

How old are the kids?

kc77 · 15/09/2013 14:17

Sorry, just realised you already said how old. Too young to instigate contact on their own then :(

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 14:27

legally, no, you couldn't get access if she decided to block it, but that's not to assume that she therefore has the right to decide how you look after her DCs. If she's used to only having her DCs 50% of the time and is fighting like mad to keep that situation, do you really think if you took back control and said you'll have them say, 1 night a week or nothing, she'd pick nothing rather than let you reduce contact? While you can't force access, she can't force it either. It sounds like she enjoys her child-free time, she likes you having her DCs - if she didn't, then she'd have stopped contact as soon as your DH died and she no longer had to hand her DCs over. The fact she is pushing for everything to stay the same suggests she doesn't want to have her DCs 100% of the time.

Call her bluff. It seems scary because it seems she holds all the cards, but she doesn't - if you decided you didn't want to see them anymore you do'nt have to. If she wants the break from her DCs then she's going to have to accept it on your terms now.

digerd · 15/09/2013 14:28

I bet she's got a 'partner' that does not live with her, as she would lose her benefits, but stays over night when the DC are with you OP? Or she likes the single life for those days and nights?
]
However, there are laws when somebody dies without a Will relating to how the estate is distributed.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 14:34

Don't I know your right , think i am too angry to think lol and she has a partner he lives with her though , they get working tax and chikd tax xxx

OP posts:
StraightJacket · 15/09/2013 14:35

What a selfish bitch! God, I am fuming on your behalf.

Could you go see a solicitor and get some advice?