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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:32

I wondered if your in-laws could get through to the Mum or if you could go to your in-laws and stay the night to avoid being home when they dc are dropped off?

Original poster

maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 19:36

I'm going to dro p them of at inlaws in the morning , and she can then decide if she wants to pick up or not. I just feel guilty on the girls that's all.. and no I get cb for myb2 x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:39

It sounds such a mess for the girls. Perhaps you should speak to social services and ask to take on the girl full time as then you would get the support you need and would probably be viable to employ a nanny!

It isn't unheard of for step-parents to get parental responsibility and ordered contact in a bereavement situation after all the courts are interested in the children's welfare and what is best for them.

needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 20:03

OP - think about what you want, how long you want them for (if indeed you want overnight contact at all, or just regular days out contact) and then inform the mother what you're prepared to do, that if she drops the DSCs at yours outside of that, then you will just call social services/the police. It would be perfectly possible if your PIL see the DSC regularly for overnight contact that you take your DDs to your PILs house and they see their half-siblings there, there's actually no reason if you don't want to for you to have them overnight to ensure a good relationship between your DDs and your DSC. If in the short term you can't offer that anymore, then it's ok to say so.

Think about what you want and can afford, then don't be guilted into more than that.

buaitisi · 16/09/2013 01:20

I'm so sorry for your loss Maddy.

Could you speak to your inlaws about this and have the act as a sort of mediator?

veryconfusedatthemoment · 16/09/2013 02:10

Very sorry for the situation you find yourself in - you sound a thoughtful, caring person who is trying very hard to do the best in an impossible situation.

I was quite interested in some of the responses you have had on the finances, particularly from myfriendflicka who stated "It is not correct that anyone who your DH was supporting at the time of his death has a claim on his estate. " My barrister (who is also a junior judge) has very recently told me that I would have a claim on behalf of my son and myself against my ex husbands estate were he to die and we were still receiving GPP. Your situation sounds slightly different but it would be worth getting legal advice.

Hissy · 16/09/2013 07:28

I think a frank discussion with their mother is needed.

She has to know that there is no magic bag to pull the money she has hitherto enjoyed.

She has to accept that now she has to support herself, be that through employment or benefits.

You can't support your family and hers, and there is no reason on earth why you should. Your only 'obligation' is to foster and encourage contact between your children and their siblings, but not on a 50/50 basis, and certainly NOT funded. The mother needs to send them ready to cover any expense incurred and not to sign them up for activities expecting you to pay them. That stops now.

I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your H, this must be so hard for you all to come to terms with. Have you had any counselling to help you work through it?

GailTheGoldfish · 16/09/2013 08:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm surprised that someone suggested sympathy towards the girls Mother because I see no evidence in what you've written that she is grieving for her ex etc. She is acting in her own best interests without thought for her girls. I think you said you have explained to them that you cannot continue to have them as before and they understand. If she drops them off and drives away it seems unlikely she wants to talk. So I would be contacting a solicitor right now, both to clarify the financial situatioin and asking them to write to her outlining what contact you can support and informing her that you will contact SS if they are dropped off at other times. And then explaining that to the girls, so they know. You sound very caring and as if you are committed to their welfare, and I think clear communication with them is the way to ensure they know they are welcome but that their mother is the one with the responsibility to step up and be a mother. Good luck OP, you are doing brilliantly in an awful situation.

redshifter · 16/09/2013 09:23

Can you explain to the ex that the cheld specific benefits she recieves will double if she now has her DCs 100% of the time? This will make her better off financially than she was while you are a lot worse off than you were.
She now has more money to look after her children with.
This might make her think about the situation differently.

That's just a thought.

Or maybe the ex was fraudently claiming full child related benefits all this time while only entitled to half.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/09/2013 09:40

Red the entire amount of any child related benefits is paid to the parent classed(who claims) as the resident one, its up to the parents how/if they split it but there is no obligation to do so.

So its unlikely any fraud has happened.

hermioneweasley · 18/09/2013 20:26

OP, I am outraged on your behalf, and furious at this sorry excuse for a mother.

As many others have said, you have no financial responsibility to your DSCs. It is admirable that you are working so hard to maintain sibling relationships, but that can still be done once a week or once a fortnight. My friend's DD adores her older siblings and sees them every other weekend - no problem with sibling bonding.

Just tell her how this is going to be from now on, you owe her nothing.

I am so sorry for your loss

BlackeyedSusan · 19/09/2013 20:25

have you had the children all weekend or are they back with their mother now?

Original poster

maddymoo25 · 19/09/2013 20:33

I dropped them off at the inlaws, and she picked them when itbwas her time, they have agreed to have them on my days apart from one night when I will have them. So now the bloody in laws are having to half raise them ... I officiallt cantbstand their mum x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 19/09/2013 20:52

maddymoo that is so sad

Is she having them 50% of the nights? If she isn't then perhaps the inlaws should put in a claim for child benefit. She needs the shock to get her doing the lions share of the work.

YellowDinosaur · 19/09/2013 21:49

Actually the op would be better off leaving well alone now. If their Mum doesn't want them (which is desperately sad even if they hadn't lost their Dad) then they are better off not spending anymore time with her. The op will have them for the amount of time she wanted so I'd be leaving the rest between the in laws and their Mum now.

Of course if the in laws want to go away it may be that the op find them dumped on her again. If that happens I'd get legal advice.

GailTheGoldfish · 19/09/2013 22:11

How sad. I can't imagine treating my own children with such obvious disregard for the feelings as she is doing. I'm sure their time with you will be the highlight of their week. Good luck OP.

TTTatty · 19/09/2013 22:33

So sorry for your loss :-(
I recommend WAY too, helped me, lost my dh in 09'

With regards to the house, if you each owned 100% (tenants in common) then even as dependants having a claim on the estate the house Does Not form part of the estate, it passes to the other owner automatically.
Please do not sell your house. You and your children need your home.

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