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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
catsmother · 12/09/2013 06:10

I'm not saying the OP doesn't care for her stepchildren - because it's more than evident that she genuinely cares very much. However, if I was the children's natural mother and they had just lost their dad then my instinctive reaction would be to spend more time with them myself as I'd feel I was best placed to help them through their grief. That's not to say that I wouldn't want to come to some mutual arrangement with OP so that the sibling relationship continued, but that would be all about what was best for the children - and what the children's mother seems to feel entitled to here is all about HER. I'm gobsmacked that she wouldn't want to spend more time with her kids now under the circumstances, regardless of any previous 50:50 arrangement. That's no offence to OP who sounds like a great stepmum but surely most people's natural reaction in a situation like this would be to draw their children closer to them ? Never mind her thinking the OP is a cow, I know who's the cow here ..... those poor kids too, young as they are and however much they love their stepmum I'm sure they understand, even at a basic level, that it's weird to still spend 50% of their time with her now their dad's no longer here and their own mother actively encourages that. Chances are they do feel rejected at some level - the situation now is entirely different to being with their dad - and that's on top of grieving. What a heartless selfish creature she is.

OP - I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how shocked you must feel, but you have nothing to reproach yourself for because there are only so many hours in the day and only so much one person can do. Like others, I doubt she'll cut contact completely if all she cares about is "her" time - but if she does try it on (and I bet it wouldn't last long anyway) you'd stand a good chance of court success I think as the sibling relationship would be considered important. And especially so when the judge hears how you've tried to be more than accommodating.

BadSeedsAddict · 12/09/2013 06:40

Absolutely not unreasonable, sounds very tiring and stressful. Could you maybe give her some control by saying, I am struggling, we love your kids but I am exhausted, and ask her to suggest days times etc? And if she says she will break contact say, I'm sorry but if that's what you want then it will have to be like that as I can't stretch myself any further? And I guess hope that she sees sense Hmm

If you maintain a reasonable and calm front from your end, whatever she does is down to her, and not your fault. You can't run yourself into the ground to provide her with free child care. Her kids won't suffer - you have kept up stability for a long enough time and you can tell her that you love them very much and will always be there for them. It sounds like she won't stick to keeping them away anyway, she obviously wants the free time. Stick to your guns and be the calm and reasonable one.

Morgause · 12/09/2013 06:57

OP, so sorry for your loss. Difficult times ahead for you all.

As others have said, you have absolutely no financial responsibility for you DSC. Their mother will, I'm sure, have been entitled to extra benefits now there is no financial support from their father. You are in mourning and struggling and I hope you find the strength to tell their mother that you cannot cope either financially or physically with having the DSCs on your own for the length of time she expects.

Emphasise that you want all the children to stay close but cut the time the DSCs stay with you drastically and let a new pattern evolve. I suspect the mother wants the situation to continue for her own needs not those of her children.

everlong · 12/09/2013 07:03

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everlong · 12/09/2013 07:03

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kali110 · 12/09/2013 07:05

If op wants to see them few times a week good on her

Fairy1303 · 12/09/2013 07:24

Oh sweetheart what am awful situation. I am so so sorry for your loss.

I think what you have proposed sounds very reasonable - means DSC get to regularly see their siblings, their step parent etc. tbh it is more regular than my DSD has contact with her own mother and sounds a fairly typical contact schedule for a nrp anyway.

With regards to finances, you cannot help. That is that. Obviously in an ideal world, he would have life insurance etc etc to be put in trust or whatever but this was sudden and a shock. If they were still married when this happened she would be in the same position wouldn't she?

DO NOT let her make you feel guilty. You just do what you can to get through this.

You are absolutely NOT BU and I really want to reach through the screen to you.

X

catsmother · 12/09/2013 07:41

I'm not so sure the mother would be entitled to any extra benefits "now there's no financial support from their father" as child maintenance is discounted for the purposes of benefits calculations.

However, that's besides the point. It's a dreadful unfortunate situation for all concerned, but the mother will be entitled to benefits based on her situation as a lone parent with 2 kids - which is exactly the same position the OP now finds herself in too - though her benefit entitlement is probably much lower due to the fact she works. I know it's very difficult to find jobs for many these days but if she's so far chosen to be a SAHM she will now have to reassess her position re: work. It's certainly not up to the OP to financially subsidise her stepchildren's mother in any way.

dedado · 12/09/2013 07:58

OP what do your own friends and family think of the situation ?

digerd · 12/09/2013 08:02

OP
I think you should put this Thread in Legal Matters.
I do know that when a person dies, all those he has been financially supporting up to the time of his death, have a legal entitlement to part of his estate.

Have you claimed state widows mothers allowance and widows pension from your late Dh's firm, which is usually worked out on a % of his income.?

ChasedByBees · 12/09/2013 08:49

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think your suggestion is entirely reasonable. Your step children's mother sounds like the type of person who would respond best to hearing what's in it for her, so I would say to her that your current suggestion means she still gets a break and then follow up with how her children will benefit from their relationship with their siblings. I think from what you've said that's inline with her priority order. She won't cut contact, I'm sure of it but you may need to call her bluff.

Lampshadeofdoom · 12/09/2013 09:06

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Viking1 · 12/09/2013 09:08

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needaholidaynow · 12/09/2013 10:02

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HatieKokpins · 12/09/2013 11:54

You need legal advice, as technically the house belongs to you, not the children. Please see a lawyer, and do NOT let this woman bully you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 12/09/2013 12:07

I spoke to her this morning and called her bluff' . I dropped girls of at school as she didn't turn up this morning when she said.
Hoping it works x

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 12/09/2013 12:14

Thanks maddy

You are acting with dignity and your step children are old enough to understand how much they mean to you, and how much you mean to them. Children know.

I'm sure your DH would not have had a thought in his head about you selling up the house to hand money over. He would have wanted the secure home to carry on for you and his children of course. Forget about selling. What you are offering is more than fair right now. When the SDCs are a couple years older they will be able to visit you and their half siblings under their own steam. Bus, or whatever.

fluffyraggies · 12/09/2013 12:17

Meaning that you and they will be able to carve out your own arrangements. No so reliant on that womans input.

needaholidaynow · 12/09/2013 12:35

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SeaSickSal · 12/09/2013 12:47

I can't believe she just didn't turn up in a fit of pique. How unfair on you and the children, how irresponsible.

Stand firm though, you have to insist this is what you're doing. And stop giving her money, you're both single mothers who should be supporting your own children.

Just to reiterate I think you sound like a lovely stepmother I am not surprised the children want to spend time with you, it sounds like you're 10x the person their Mum is.

Rockinhippy · 12/09/2013 12:55

What an obnoxious self entitle cow that woman is Shock you are grieving FFS & she's playing silly games on top being absolutely unreasonable in her expectations of you Angry for you.

Stick to your guns, at the end of the day as the others have said, the SDCs will know the score & will soon be old enough to make their own arrangements

Remember that anything you do now in terms of having your SDCs stay over is doing this awful woman a big favour, do not let her bully you, stay strong, you are very much in the right & already doing way more than can be expected of you.

Xx

YoniMitchell · 12/09/2013 13:08

GOod on you Maddy, be strong. You're in an awful situation and she's being totally unfair.

Can you just clarify though, in addition to the 50% care of your DSDs, are you giving their mum any money? Apologies if I've missed that anywhere.

Silverfoxballs · 12/09/2013 13:20

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Snorbs · 12/09/2013 13:26

What a desperate situation. Maybe if the step-children's mother is concerned about her children losing touch with their half-siblings might it be worth suggesting that, say, every week all four kids stay with her for a night or two, all four kids stay with OP for a night or two, and the rest of the time the kids stay at their own homes?

boschy · 12/09/2013 13:43

Maddy I am so sorry for your loss too, and I echo what others have said about the mother.

I would also like to say that I get the impression that you are really sad to think that you could lose contact with your SC? for you, as well as for your DC. you sound so lovely, even if that did happen just remember the SC are old enough to find you on their own in a couple of years time.