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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
Groovee · 15/09/2013 14:59

I think you need to seek Legal Advice over this.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 15:05

So sorry for your loss OP.

Your step daughters mother is behaving appallingly badly. So, not only have they lost their dad but their mother is very vocally saying she doesn't want them in her care anymore than they were prior to their father passing. What a bitch.

It's horribly cruel to pressure you in this way too. You obviously care for them deeply, I see nothing unreasonable in anything you've said. As others have said, try and take back control from her.

Wish you all the best Flowers

catsmother · 15/09/2013 15:26

That's terrible OP - she's obviously counting on your continued good nature and sense of responsibility (as in, doing the decent thing, NOT that you have any legal responsibility) to ensure she still gets "her" time away from her own children.

Clearly, her dumping them on you - and what else is it if not dumping seeing as the ignorant cow literally ran off before seeing or speaking to you ? - is all about how it benefits HER, and nothing to do with her wanting to continue the sibling relationship. If that was her aim she'd speak to you like an adult to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement so the children - which is something you've already more than demonstrated you'd be amenable to.

But obviously, you can't be expected to maintain the previous arrangement just to suit her. I understand why you didn't want to drive them back and expose them perhaps to arguing and/or the no-show of their mum, and/or to make them feel "rejected" by you - but this can't be allowed to continue. What you actually do about it is another thing and I don't know enough to offer any real advise ..... the things which immediately spring to mind are to either call non-emergency police or social services, but appreciate that could be traumatic for the girls. But yes, do seek legal advice for the future - it sounds even as if you may need to take an injunction of some description out against her to prevent her doing this. That would NOT mean you were relinquishing all desire to see them again - or that you want to cut the siblings' ties and feelings for each other (before you start to feel "guilty") - but that such contact must only ever be arranged when ALL adult parties concerned have agreed.

And yes - she is an appalling excuse for a mother. As I said before, however lovely the stepmother is, the instinctive reaction of most mothers in a situation like this would be to step up and take on more of their own children's care - regardless of previous arrangements. Most mothers would want to spend more time with their own children to help them through such a traumatic time - and most decent people would recognise and be grateful for any support and care a stepmother would be able to offer, and NOT take the piss about it with irresponsible dumping and no regard towards the cost to the stepmother of all this (however much you care for them, kids still cost obviously!)

OP - don't let her bamboozle you over this. What DontmindifIdo said is almost certainly true - when she realises she could potentially lose ALL her free time, she's likely to back down.

I'm so so sorry you're having to go through all this stress and extra work. What she's doing is pretty monstrous - both to her girls and to you. She has no compassion for them or you over your husband's death - she's just appallingly selfish and it almost beggars belief. What if one of them had an accident or fell seriously ill and you couldn't contact her ?

HalooJones · 15/09/2013 15:28

If you adopted the kids than they are your responsibility just as much as your own.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 15:30

Haloo

They're not adopted, they're the ops step children. Their mother is alive, well and still has parental responsibility.

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 15:36

OP, I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I don't think you are unreasonable AT ALL for suggesting the agreement changes in light of your situation, in fact, I think it would be unreasonable for anyone to suggest that you should continue to provide 50% in their father's absence (unless you wanted to!)
I really wish I could say something more helpful, but I wish you all the best at this really difficult time.
Thanks

34DD · 15/09/2013 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Retroformica · 15/09/2013 16:06

It's your home , keep it.

But also what you have suggested is reasonable. Both sets of children have no father. You are in exactly the same situation. It's unfair for you to have both your kids all week plus hers for half the week while she has half a week free. You need respite too. Can she have all the kids too to balance things out? (If hate that though)

Retroformica · 15/09/2013 16:07

Keep your house.

BlackAffronted · 15/09/2013 16:12

How much are you paying her a month?

ZZZenagain · 15/09/2013 16:26

awful situation for you on top of your bereavement. I don't really know what I would do but you are not being at all unreasonable to change the situation. It must be very hard for you having to deal with this woman, she sounds completely unreasonable towards her own children.

Retroformica · 15/09/2013 16:32

Agree call her bluff.

Email/text her 'I adore the children and would love to see them x and x days. As we know all the children are in the same situation (ie without DH) and staying close is important. I do need to find a better/fairer balance with DH not being here to care for the children though. I am finding it really hard with full time work, 2 DC half the week and 4 kids other half. Having the children x and x days would be the perfect balance, ensuring DC all have time together. I'm very sorry but I can no longer have the kids on x and x days.

sarahtigh · 15/09/2013 17:11

if all 4 children were yours they would not get inheritance early most couples own house so that 100% of house belongs to OP she has contributed to it and paid for it not the stepmother it does not belong to either the step children or indeed her own children it belongs entirely to her if tenants in common both own 100% so the inheritance rules with no will would not apply to house just the rest of the estate as OP owns the house even if it is with a mortgage

it would be a different story if they both owned 50% of house then I guess stepmother could force sale but then OP would still under rules of intestacy get first 125K of the equity etc so unless well over 500k worth of equity it would be a waste of time

obviously sibling contact is good and a court may see that it is wise for this to continue so OP could have a claim on behalf of her children if stepmother tried to stop all contact

the only thing I think step children would perhaps be entitled to is a share of any lump sum from life insurance but as that is generally for mortgage etc it would probably not be relevant, they should of course be given a few of their father's possessions as keepsakes a watch, etc some photo's etc

digerd · 15/09/2013 17:16

OP
So she has a live in partner who is working? She is not missing her DC's dad as you are and her DC. She is being selfish in the extreme.
Legally you have no obligation to keep up the 50/50 visits, but the financial side of your late DH's estate with no Will, is concerning me.
If you want to do what is right morally that is for you to decide, but legally what is financially right, I can only suggest you contact a solicitor .

She can apply for special child benefit on her ex's insurance to support his DC now he had died. You should not be financing her in lieu of her entitlement.
Those poor step DC with such a selfish and uncaring mother, I feel really sad for as well as you and your DCSad
Good Luck.

maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 18:03

I don't pay her monthly , we never have , because we have them half the time, piad for food etc school uniforms,clothes,trips,clubs xx

He had the girls full time when they first seperated and then she got joint custody. She never comprimised on anything. When I went in to labour she refused to pick the girls up because it was our day x

If me and my husband had tgem full time and I had legal responsibility when he passed , of course I wouldn't have kicked them out.

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 15/09/2013 18:33

I am sorry for your loss and can see you are trying to do what is best for everyone.

There are clear lessons here to be learnt from anyone involved in a separated parenting relationship and anyone who has children with someone who already has children. I am assuming your husband's death was unexpected but even so, it is clear that a will is an absolute must and financial provision for all children should a parent die needs to be made. A few pounds a month on a lump sum insurance policy would probably have gone a long way to helping this situation from all sides. On top of that, it is clearly important to have difficult discussions with an ex partner about the horrible 'what if' situations so everyone is clear where they stand should the worst happen.

As for mum being an 'obnoxious self entitled cow' as someone has called her, it would be prudent to consider that she too is likely to be grieving for her ex partner only she will have no one or few people who would be willing to entertain any emotion she may be feeling as either reasonable or real. That would be a very, very lonely and difficult place to be and may well explain some of her poor behaviour and desire to keep things 'normal' for her as much as anyone else. It's probably her way of dealing with things.

To be clear from a benefits perspective, there is no additional money that the ex will receive as a result of having lost an ex partner as someone has suggested. It doesn't work like that. She will be having to make some big adjustments financially as well as having to come to terms with the fact her future as she had it mapped out needs to change. That can take time to deal with, let alone make the necessary arrangements to deal with having her children back with her on a full-time basis. There will be a mental adjustment, as well as an actual physical one.

I don't think you are wrong to need to want to take the children less and you certainly don't have any financial obligation towards them. It is a cheeky question to ask but could it be the case that she perceives you to be well off (ie she has assumed your husband has left a lump sum which makes things OK for your children but not hers?)

maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 18:53

No she knows there is no money x
Your right about preparing but tbh I can't change that, it was between the two of them to decide.
My husband isn't innocent in all of this and has commited what some eople would describe as a selfish act aswell as not sorting anything out for his children.

I can understand that adjustig will be hard for her but I have had to do it all ... so really she has noreason not to adjudt xxx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:22

I really don't know what you can do apart from not be there when she turns up to drop the off and stop paying for clubs or buying them uniform. Just be honest and say that you are sorry and you cannot afford those things anymore.

As long as you are not kittting out your birth dc whilst they get nothing from you they will see the situation for what it is.

Are your in-laws around at all and are they of any help in any way?

RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:23

Who receives child benefit for them?

If it is not you then I would put in application for it, if you are having them 50% of the time then you are entitled to apply to have it!!!

maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 19:26

Random that is another question . I work for my money and if I wasn't paying for 4 I could treat my kids , should I feel guilty about buying my dd a dress and not them lol

OP posts:
maddymoo25 · 15/09/2013 19:27

The inlaws have the girls Friday night xx

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 15/09/2013 19:28

randommess why on earth would you encourage the OP to get into what will be nothing more than a bun fight when she is in a horrible situation which needs calm, care and understanding from all sides? How would that help? Why would removing one of mum's means of supporting the children be of any possible help to the OP who simply needs some space, time and understanding to be able to come to terms with the loss of her husband and the changes that this has made to her life? Let alone the changes that are occurring in her children's and her step children's lives. Never read anything so ridiculous. Perhaps you were being 'ironic'?

RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:28

No you shouldn't feel guilty but obviously if you were able to indulge your two whilst giving them nothing that would be mean.

So you don't get their child benefit? Honestly I'd put in an application for theirs - it may well put the wind up her into suddenly realising she needs to have them more than 50%... how would it look to the courts if you are having them 50% of the nights, you're not their parent etc etc

RandomMess · 15/09/2013 19:30

Honestly because I think it would make their Mum grow up and stop taking the piss.

Morgause · 15/09/2013 19:31

I think maybe it's time to talk to social services.

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