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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 11/09/2013 21:02

Sorry, what a sad situation.

All the children are very young and six months is a very short time ago. They may feel quite desperate to keep the level of connection with their half-siblings and via them and you, with their Dad.

I understand that it's a burden on you, and there's no reason that you should pay 50% of their costs, certainly, but be kind.

Bonsoir · 11/09/2013 21:02

No of course you have no responsibility to your stepchildren. They should live with their mother full time now. I am sure you will want to see them regularly so they see their half-siblings but you are not responsible for their upbringing.

SeaSickSal · 11/09/2013 21:03

Sorry for your loss. Can you begin to phase it down gradually? Perhaps reducing the amount of week day nights first until you are eventually down to just alternate weekends? It would be nice if they could carry on having the regular contact.

It's not fair for you to be financially responsible for all four children when their mother is only responsible for her own two though.

Whos is saying you should keep doing it and why? Is it their mother for her convenience or the children?

northernlurker · 11/09/2013 21:03

50% care for dc which are not yours is not reasonable in this situation. You need to talk to her and work towards a new normal which involves a different type of relationshop. These children have lost a parent, as have yours. Things aren't 'normal' and won't be for a long time.

schmee · 11/09/2013 21:03

Sorry x post. Did your husband make a will? Is she remarried? Practically you can't possibly be expected to have 50% responsibility for four young children whilst trying to support everyone financially. Would you be happy with your children staying with her some of the time to maintain the sibling bond? Do you think his ex-wife would be happy with this?

RandomMess · 11/09/2013 21:03

Understandably it sounds like you really struggling at the moment. Have you got any practical support from family or friends?

It sounds as though the 50% contact needs to change from what it was to perhaps I different routine, one that you can cope with better, perhaps them staying fewer nights even if they come over for tea??

As for financial support if you can't afford it anymore then you can't, sounds like all of the dc will be suffering a reduction in financial security.

DontmindifIdo · 11/09/2013 21:05

So sorry for your loss.

Is it time or money that's the issue? Either way, YANBU - you do'nt have parental responsibly. I would suggest that you don't have them 50% of the time if it doesn't work for you,but think about how you can facilitate a relationship between your DCs and their half-siblings, however that doesn't mean 50% of their care and costs should be shouldered by you.

phantomnamechanger · 11/09/2013 21:05

Did your DH make a will saying what he wished for the childrens futures?

I can just as easily imagine the reverse thread TBH - bereaved second wife distraught because first wife will not allow anymore contact now the husband is not around. Imagine how your DC would be feeling then.

Can you speak civilly with the OW? Have you sought legal advice?

fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2013 21:06

I'd not do it. I'd do what's best for my children & myself.

Maintaining ties with the half siblings of your children does not mean you have them 50% of the time & accept 50% of the financial responsibility for them.

Ignore their mother.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

SeaSickSal · 11/09/2013 21:07

No I don't think this is normal. You can't keep working full time and supporting and caring for four children. You need to taper down the contact.

Their mother is getting all the benefit in this, financial help and free time and a break from the kids(and you get none because you always have children with you).

This is not on, if she's not offering to help you with childcare too then she is imposing on you in a way that is really unfair on a widow with young children who is grieving. She should be offering you support, not taking advantage of you. No wonder you're shattered.

MrsMelons · 11/09/2013 21:07

Do you still want to see them every week? How about your DCs?

I would imagine they would want to be around you still however 50% of the time is a lot given the fact you are essentially a lone parent to 4 children 50% of the time and financially it will be harder on you to support your children on your own, you should not have to pay anything.

I think it really depends on what everyone wants in this situation, in particular the children but I can't imagine not wanting them in my life at all.

CoolaSchmoola · 11/09/2013 21:07

Sorry for your loss OP.

OTTMummA · 11/09/2013 21:08

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Does she expect you to still pay towards her children?
If there is only the house then I don't see how she thinks this can happen, not that it's right either tbh.
I would still have contact with the children, but maybe as she is a sahm she could share the load and sometimes have your children over to hers if she is concerned about keeping the children together.
If she won't compromise and just wants a free babysitter then you don't need to engage with her anymore.
At this time in your life you need support not someone taking the piss.
Could you maybe take the kids out once a week and do something fun?

It will be about quality time not quantity now as there is only so much of yourself you can give, she will have to adjust like you are doing.

Owllady · 11/09/2013 21:08

Bonsoir put it more diplomatically than me, sorry
emotionally and financially, you have to put you and the children first you are a single mum now (a widow :() and your SC's mum has the same responsibilities to her children.

Deal with your loss and look after your own children, whilst as other have said encourage the sibling relationships

PartyOrganisor · 11/09/2013 21:08

Keeping the 50% just after the death your DH did make sense.
But that was 6 months ago. 6 months is nothing but also a lot and things have probably reached a time when they need to change.

I imagine that your DH wasn't giving his ex any money as the arrangement was 50-50. Does it mean that the mother now doesn't want her dcs all the time or that she wants some money as your DH would have done if he was still alive?

And more importantly, what would you want to see happening? How often are you happy to have your DH children at home?

fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2013 21:10

OP says the first wife wants arrangements to remain as normal inspite of the drastic change in circumstances.

If the OP were reversed and the current wife were posting I'd say the same thing.

Any arrangement needs to be mutually acceptable.

SeaSickSal · 11/09/2013 21:11

Phantomnamechanger she's not saying not contact.

Look at it this way, she has just lost her husband and is grieving. She's working and the rest of the time always has two children with her and sometimes four.

The first wife on the other hand isn't working, is getting financial support from the OP (at the detriment of her own children) and is also getting 50% of the week childfree to do what she wants while the OP struggles with 4 children.

It's not fair, the OP is never getting a break at all.

I don't think the onus is all on the OP re keeping up contact between the siblings either. Now the husband has passed away contact between the siblings doesn't have to be at the OPs house, the first wife could have the OPs children there sometimes and give the OP a break. She has to facilitate contact by making an effort too, not expecting the OP to always facilitate it.

PartyOrganisor · 11/09/2013 21:11

btw why is she getting the benefits for the dcs that are at her home only 50% of the time?

racmun · 11/09/2013 21:11

I think she is being totally unreasonable. Financially you need to think about supporting your own children first and foremost. She will have to support her children like you have to yours.

With regard to you having them 50% of the time she is taking the piss. How well do you get on? It's important the children continue to see each other so perhaps you could arrange to meet up in a local park or soft play place etc so the children can mix together buts its not all on your shoulders.

It's as much her duty to ensure the contact between The half siblings as it is yours and she needs to facilitate this.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/09/2013 21:14

You have no responsibility and you and her are now both in the same position

Ie: lone parents to two young children

You can no longer do the work of two parents as the other one has gone. The ex needs to understand that.

I urge you to maintain as much contact as you can handle for them - I'm guessing they love you now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. So terribly sorry for all of you.

PartyOrganisor · 11/09/2013 21:14

Agree Seasick, the onus is the parents of all the dcs to keep contact with the siblings. That means the responsibility is shared and equal between the OP and the ex.

However the responsibility of bringing up her DH dcs is the ex only, not the OP's, regardless of who is working or not. Even if the OP was also a SAHM and had vast finances that would allow her to stay at home, the responsibility to bring up these 2 dcs are still the mother's responsibility, not the OP's.

BrianTheMole · 11/09/2013 21:16

I'm sorry about your loss op. i think you need to maintain contact for your childrens sake, but 50/50 is way too much. The ex wife could step in and have your children sone of the time if its a contact thing she's worried about. Obviously you can't pay 50 percent if your dh has left no provision for this. Its different now, much adjustment has to be made by you. It also needs to be made by ex wife in terms of sorting out her own finances. Again, i'm really sorry.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 21:20

YANBU

It is pretty bizarre that this woman expects this of you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 21:20

YANBU

It is pretty bizarre that this woman expects this of you.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 21:20

Right his in bed so can explain a lil better lol ... when we got married I knew he had them and have done everything to accomadate and love them to oieces. Me and oh worked diff shifts so we could work arund timings etc . We paid for trips , uniforms and anything that landed on our days .

Our house isbought and of course any possesions of ours etc would be left equally between all 4 kids x

I have offered to cut contact to wednsday after school for dinner, and then drop them bk and Friday after school for the night until Saturday evening which I think was reasonable . But she is kicking off saying if I dontwant them fine I can basically f off. I don't want this I want them to see me and thejr sibings but feel trapped x

OP posts:
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