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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take on my step children

218 replies

maddymoo25 · 11/09/2013 20:48

When I met my husband he had 2 children who were 2 and 3, we have 2 of our own now aswell.
My chikdren are now 4 and 1 and step children 8 and 7. We always them 50 percent of the time and paid 50 per cent of everything.

We lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and I know longer feel I should keep to this arrangement but I am being made out to be a cow. It has got a lot harder nw it is just me

Am i in the wrong xx

OP posts:
homeagain · 11/09/2013 22:14

You're not in the wrong.

mignonette · 11/09/2013 22:15

Oh Maddy If I could take away some of your pain I would. It will work out w/ the stepchildren. Even if she keeps them from you, they'll find you and their siblings again as they get older.

Please put you first. Protect your home. You can get legal advice as to how to leave it to all the children when it is your time to go. But please please do not sell up.

dialpforpizza · 11/09/2013 22:22

Ditto what Mignoette says.

Heartbreaking situation. You sound thoughtful, loving and kind, the children are lucky to have you as their step mum. For sure, if the children are ok with what you are suggesting, and understand, then theirs are the only voices you need listen to right now xxx

birdybear · 11/09/2013 22:22

Am so sorry. But remember kids don't inherit until both parents die usually, so there is no reason to sell anything or the house to give to any children as you are not dead and need to live in it and so do your children.

Also, the house if you choose to give them a share, is not half theirs. Half of your husbands share would be theirs, and half of your husbands share would be to your kids. Then, all of your half is for your kids, again, when you die . If emulate half of the house to your

WaitMonkey · 11/09/2013 22:23

Do not sell your home. She sounds horrible and lazy. She needs to get herself a job and support HER children. Totally bizarre, she expects you to pay for and look after HER children.

birdybear · 11/09/2013 22:26

Poo, phone messed the last bit up. So don't take away from your kids, because your dsd Will inherit from their mum too.

Regarding finances, you are not responsible and if their mum is making you feel guilty then don't accept that. Scale down the contact over months i would think, and if their mum kicks off, then she is not putting their best interests at heart and they Will see it when they are older. It isn't reasonable to expect you to carry on as you have in the past , as unfortunately , things have changed.

Lampshadeofdoom · 11/09/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 11/09/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chocolatehunter · 11/09/2013 22:29

Legally as your husbands wife you are entitled to everything. I helped my mother with her paperwork after my father passed away and not that I would have claimed a penny, but I wouldn't have been legally able to in this country. You are entitled to a widows pension and a £2000 lump sum which you really should apply for. You may also receive extra help because of the age of your children. Your situation is awful but I think you've been amazing and more than reasonable. Do not sell your house!

Lampshadeofdoom · 11/09/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 11/09/2013 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dedado · 11/09/2013 22:35

You have to put yourself and your children first. It sounds like she's bullying you at a very vulnerable time. You must look after yourself. Do you have support, who's helping you ?

I find it very odd that she wants you to provide childcare. I think a more realistic relationship would be more like occasional weekend sleepovers, a few a month and some at your home, some at hers. If she doesn't want that sort of friendly contract between the children then I think you can assume she wants childcare for her own reasons, not fire the children's benefit.

If you are paying anything at all for your stepchildren its not unreasonable for you to stop. In fact it's entirely appropriate that you adjust your schedule and outgoings after your sad loss.

Loa · 11/09/2013 22:37

As you were married with no will - a certain amount goes straight to you.

It would just be the equity in the house not the value of the house - depending on lots of things you might be able to re- mortgage for the 2/8 of the equity (OP being 1/2 and the remaining half split between 2 of the four DC)

This looks like a good site to explain it all:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/relationships_w/relationships_death_and_wills_e/who_can_inherit_if_there_is_no_will___the_rules_of_intestacy.htm

I'm really sorry for your loss - but I think the ex here is exploiting your concerns regarding keeping contact and about money.

dedado · 11/09/2013 22:38

If she doesn't want that sort of friendly contact between the children then I think you can assume she wants childcare for her own reasons, not for the children's benefit.

Loa · 11/09/2013 22:41

You shouldn't be paying any of the step DC costs now either - it's not your financial obligation. Nice if you want to - but really not obligated to.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 12/09/2013 01:19

You are being way more than reasonable. I am not surprised your stepchildren want to stay with you! But tell their mum you are cutting down, and future financial help will stop altogether bar what you spend on them when they are at your house. Bet she suddenly reconsiders. If not, go to court to get some access.

exexpat · 12/09/2013 01:30

Did you own the house as joint tenants (the most common way for couples to own property together)? In which case everything is 100% now legally yours and none of the children have any claim at all.

There is absolutely no need for you to sell it and give anything to your stepchildren, or rather to their mother - they have a home already, and you need the house for you and your DCs to live in.

Yes, you should do your best to maintain a relationship with your DCs' half-siblings, but not to the extent of providing childcare and financial support just because their mother demands it.

Italiangreyhound · 12/09/2013 01:36

Maddy so sorry for your loss.

MrsCakesPremonition · 12/09/2013 01:46

What an awful situation.
Your offer to provide overnight care for your DSCs on a Friday/Saturday sounds very sensible and just what all 4 children need to maintain a sense of continuity and family.

Please don't allow yourself to be bullied into providing 50% childcare or financial support though - you have enough on your plate.

Morloth · 12/09/2013 01:46

Oh that is so sad.

YANBU.

You can't keep up the current arrangements, it just bizarre that she wants you to quite frankly.

If she decides to cut off all contact that will be on her head.

What a shame she can't be kind to her own children and be seeking an arrangement where they can develop their sibling relationship with the load equally shared.

They are lucky to have you in their lives.

Morloth · 12/09/2013 01:47

As much as you love them, they are not your responsibility.

Your kids need you, they have lost their dad as well, they are in the same position as your DSCs.

They need their mum to put them first.

DameDeepRedBetty · 12/09/2013 02:06

I can't imagine how horrible this must be.

Take a deep breath, and suggest to your DH's first wife that having all four round for tea/sleepover on Fridays is as much as you can handle right now.

Feel free to hint that that she should be doing the same from time to time!

Lots of very sensible suggestions upthread about the legalities and about what benefits you and the children are entitled to at this unexpected death.

Flowers
Mimishimi · 12/09/2013 04:41

Wow, the BM has really copped a beating here. To be fair to her, perhaps the OP was instrumental in pushing for the 50/50 care situation in the first place? If so, I can see why the BM would expect that to continue ... The kids just lost their father and now their stepmum doesn't want them? That's exactly how the children are going to take it. Expecting the OP to sell the family home is not fair but if I was in the BM's place, if the stepmum wanted continued intermittent access to the kids but didn't want to support them as the dad did/would have been expected to in reduced contact situation, I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about that either.

Morloth · 12/09/2013 05:20

You can't expect a full time working single mother (who presumably has to pay for childcare) to support your children 50% of the time - you just can't.

How can that be considered reasonable in anyone's world?

Is the DSC's mum offering to have the OP's kids 50% of the time?

The kids are now in the same position, none of them have their dad.

It is tragic for all of them equally.

JetSetWilly · 12/09/2013 05:29

But the op hasn't said she doesn't want them mimishimi? She has offered to have them twice a week with an overnight stay-hardly intermittent is it? (As an aside much more than my children's father has contact with his own children!)

Also contact shouldn't be linked to financial support in any way-they are two seperate issues-the kids aren't pay per view are they!