AIBU to be pissed off with DP

[OffOnABender]

DP went out last night for a friends birthday and still isn't home. He had work at 8M this morning. He told me it would be a late one (about 3am) but at 5am he still weren't home so I phoned to make sure everything was okay and he was wasted and still drinking and refusing to stop because he was having a good time, he hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

I doubt he's gone to work because he's job is driving so my money is that he's still drinking. AIBU to be pissed off? And think he's a grown man so grow the fuck up

Just keep in mind, OP, that showing him you're serious about him needing to change by putting some temporary distance between you doesn't mean it's over forever.

That decision doesn't need to be made until you see how he reacts to your leaving.

Also, keep reminding yourself that it's his actions causing this, not yours.

I found that putting my foot down and taking a massive step to scare the shit out of my DH really worked well.

He reacted exactly how I wanted him to and it saved our marriage.

I really hope the same thing happens to you.

And nothing is your fault. It's his.

Simply did it not scare the hell out of you that it might not work? That you could lose everything? I love my DD and she is my world but its so much harder having kids involved. If it was me I would stay and just do my own thing more, distance myself a little and be busy with work but it doesn't matter what I want now its whats best for DD

Off, if you didnt have DD then why would you accept a shitty relationship.

He needs to change big time, if he cant, then its either put up with it, and show DD that is what her relationships will be like, because thats what she'll grow up expecting, or move on and find a happier, assertive new you, that you DD will aspire to be and make healthy relationships when shes an adult.

If you stay just for your dd its still going to affect her! Shes going to sense your miserable and still be present around the arguments. Think she would rather have two happy parents separate then two miserable ones together!

Sorry but i dont think your dp is going to change or cares about your family. His attitude to you today proves that.he sees you as a doormat. He knows he can get away with it.
Just because you have a dd doesn't mean you dont deserve to have a good relationship.
Fwiw when i was young i didn't think i deserved to go out every week because i worked hard, and i would never go out on a work night.
Still cant believe he thought it was acceptable to be out drinking till 3am and then go driving at 8am!

Off - yes it did but something snapped and I didn't care any more. It took the drink related death of a friend to really shine a light on everything that was wrong with his behaviour.

A very good chat with some very good RL friends made me realise that actually, it wasn't about him, it was about me and what I deserved and needed. As soon as I understood that, it was easy.

And I absolutely meant it when I told him he had to make a choice between his lifestyle and his family.

And I have three children.

Good for you simply

When I told him I was falling out of love with him and that he'd broken my heart, he cried.

It really shocked him when he realised how he'd been treating me (making me get up in the night almost every night when pregnant coz he was too drunk to hear the kids, spending all his money on booze whilst I paid for food and everything for the kids, keeping me awake worrying about where he was etc etc). I told him I would not be living my life worrying if he was coming home.

I don't think I really mentioned the kids - it was about our relationship and my life and my happiness. It was very cathartic.

A bit of our relationship has definitely died as a result of his behaviour. My love is no longer unconditional. He knows the conditions and has agreed to live by them. If at any point in the future he messes up, I will leave him.

I told him loud and clear that he'd had his last chance and I meant it. His behaviour is not perfect but he hasn't been really drunk since then (about 2 months ago) and has driven home (sober) from several parties at 10pm.

He's got a lot of making up to do, but atleast he's trying. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly let my guard down again but I'm trying to fall for him all over again.

Ps - he told me he carried on doing it because he 'knew he could get away with it' - ie I was too kind / soft / weak / in love to do anything about it.

He's actually a really really lovely man with many great qualities but he thought he was:

A: a lot more sober than he was
B: deserving of a night out because he 'earned it'
C: loosing touch with his friends
D: 18 again

He was actually none of the above!

Thanks kalli

Great posts simply and I'm so glad things worked out for the best for you.

Some times it takes the sense of loss to know what they are losing doesn't it?

Hi OP. One thing: if his Dad runs vans over 3 tonnes, he'll have an operator's license. The Traffic Commissioners take a very dim view of operators who let employees drive while unfit through intoxication, illness or fatigue. If DP (God forbid) has an accident while pissed his Dad WILL go to prison.

You might like to write them both a letter pointing this out. Mention R v. Coates & Graves ; that'll make them sit up.

How are you off?

If you need some inner reserves of strength, then remember that children learn how to have a relationship from their parents as role models. Would you want your daughter to be sitting around waiting for her partner to stop drinking and come home? Or having to phone hospitals to see if the person who is supposed to love her is there because he's too selfish and thoughtless to even send her a message? Your partner might be too much of a twat to be a good role model to her, but you can still show her that you both deserve to be treated with respect and consideration and hopefully that should help you to take the next step. Best of luck.

Honestly, I couldn't stay with a man like this.

Say in 3 or 4 years time, are you planning to lay awake all morning and night for him to get back?

What about if he gets back at 6 and decides to take your DD out in the car after he's drank and possibly taken drugs. Are you willing for that to even be a possibility?

The fact you aren't purely disgusted and running in another direction that he'd be willing to drive his taxi/van after drinking and putting others lives in danger is beyond me. I know you are upset and worried but seriously, doesn't that scare you that he can get like that at all?

Unless he admits he has a problem with alcohol, he wont get help. Without help, things wont change. I can guarantee if you just stick around this will happen again and again. I can almost guarantee you that your daughter will grow up thinking this is what happens in a relationship and possibly get in a relationship with a man like this herself. Because it can't be bad, because it's how Daddy is, so it's normal - right?

But if your daughter came home and told you that her DH was doing this, would you honestly say to just chat with him and see how things go?

I would seriously hope you wouldn't.

I am not saying you should necessarily end it forever with him although I would but to get yourself away and for him to see what he is missing. If he doesn't fight for you and DD, then he never loved you enough in the first place. If he fights for you both and finally realises that he needs to change, then you have accomplished something and things can move forward.

As far as his parents are concerned, ignore. You aren't in a relationship with them, so their opinions matter not one bit.

I hope you have the strength to take yourself away from this situation Off as hate the thought of you being stuck with this man forever and your daughter thinking acting this way is normal and OK.

I hope you are ok off and do listen to all the great advice on here, I think most are suggesting that it needn't be over forever but he needs a wake up call, at the moment you are definatly enabling his behaviour, my dh has never in 12yrs together done this and I think knows I'd kick him out if he did, it's absolutely selfish and disrespectful to you, has he even told you where he was? To me he could have been with another women even and would you know? What possible reason does anyone have for staying out all night especially with a child, no wonder its hard for you, your effectively a single parent! Can you imagine if you did this?
The other thing is it sounds as though he's not sorry or willing to offer any guarantees, to me if you don't take action it sounds like you will still have to do it one day, itl just be another year down the line! Another years less time to start again!
As far as your dd, please don't think she won't pick up on it, they are little sponges, I have been pushing the cat off my lap for the past few mornings when trying to do things or eat breakfast and my dd ( just 2) has started to push her and say no, I've told you to get down etc... It's scarey to think she's learned this so quickly from me
You do deserve better, please believe it op

Moving out might give him the wake up call he needs - or he won't give a shit, but either way you get to move on.

Staying and arguing with someone who really doesn't care about your feelings is just going to get more and more unpleasant.

How are you OP?