AIBU to be pissed off with DP

[OffOnABender]

DP went out last night for a friends birthday and still isn't home. He had work at 8M this morning. He told me it would be a late one (about 3am) but at 5am he still weren't home so I phoned to make sure everything was okay and he was wasted and still drinking and refusing to stop because he was having a good time, he hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

I doubt he's gone to work because he's job is driving so my money is that he's still drinking. AIBU to be pissed off? And think he's a grown man so grow the fuck up

I agree with Andro

It's his whole don't give a fuck attitude that tells you what you need to know.

I'm so sorry

Tell him to get out and get fucked.

You may not want to and you may also be very scared to do it but the only thing you have left to do into tell him to get out. Chuck him out and turn off your phone.

He needs to know you mean it and that e can't treat you or your DC like this, he left you to not know all day long, how fucking rude is that?

Get him out, it doesn't mean it's over forever but until he learns some respect it will never change and will get worse.

What a disrespectful twat he is.

Pack his bags. What an absolute arse to leave you sick with worry all day. :(

OP, if you do nothing, this will be what your life looks like from here.

Please don't raise your DD to believe that this is normal or acceptable.

OP I'm so sorry for your situation. It's very easy for us to say LTB. However, he fucked of for 24hrs without even letting you (or his daughter) know where he is. You deserve better. Your DD deserves better.

*off

Get him out, it doesn't mean it's over forever but until he learns some respect it will never change and will get worse.

^^
THIS

Doh! Stupid strike through!

"Get him out, it doesn't mean it's over forever but until he learns some respect it will never change and will get worse."

^^ this

Well, that is all you need to know. That is how much he cares about you and his family. This was pretty deliberate.

But look on the bright side. He has made you a massive favour. He is not a catch. Drinking semi alcoholic drug user who works for his dad - when it suits him. Parents who are not really a benefit in your life, but rather the opposite.

Good luck getting rid.

You deserve so much more than this. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your daughter.

I hope you are packing his bags for him op it shows how little he cares about you and your dc.

I would wait til he goes to work tomorrow, pack his bags and get the locks changed.

As someone else said - it's all you have left. Unless you want to be treated like a twat for your whole life.
Because that's what WILL happen. Guaranteed.
Just do it - please. It makes me so angry to hear of arseholes like this doing what the hell they want. More to the point - it makes YOU angry, confused, worried and degraded.

I had an ex like this.... he will say it won't happen again. ... it will :(

He's taking the piss! Cruel bastard..

Do you own or rent and are both names on agreements?

Be very careful in regards to locking someone out of their own home.

There is nothing to say you can't sling his stuff out and tell him to. Follow it though.

I really hope you are ok this evening x

I was in exactly the same position about a month ago.

My husband had been treating me like yours for almost 20 years, through 6 pregnancies and 3 kids. He used exactly the same reasons as yours to justify his behaviour. He also couldn't stop once he started and would sometimes take drugs too.

He was the love of my life and we have been together since we were 18.

I spent a good 10 years trying to get through to him by crying, moaning, shouting, refusing to speak to him, getting him AA information, telling his mum (!) and everything else I could think of.

It all came to a head when a friend of mine was killed one night with a single punch whilst out drinking. I found out at 10pm and at 1.30am found my husband passes out on our front lawn with the contents of his bag scattered everywhere. He'd popped to a friend's house to play a game and 'thought he was ok'. It took me half an hour to wake him up and get him indoors. I went ballistic the next day and asked him to move out, but he refused.

After some fantastic RL support I realised that it wasn't about him any more. I'd spent all of my twenties worrying about what made him drink, thinking about making his lie easier so he wouldn't do it etc etc. My friends made me realise that I has rights in our relationship too. I had a right to be treated with respect. I had a right to not e picking him up off the floor every week. I had a right to an equal relationship, free from fear and worry about his drinking and his safety.

The day after the incident, DH wondered why i was still angry about what happened. I went absolutely ape shit and just screamed 'how dare you treat me like this etc etc and let him have both barrels. It was 10 years worth of anger and pain released in one massive bollocking!

It was such a shock to him it was like a massive verbal slap round the face. I then made him sleep in the spare room and told him he has to choose between me and being an alcoholic. I said he could be a dad and husband, or a binge drinker, but not both.

I'm very happy to say that he hasn't done it since. He said he'd heard me complain hundreds of times but for the first time, he could see in my eyes that I meant it. The fear of losing his children seemed to be the wake up call he needed.

He's massively cut down on his drinking and hasn't had a binge like that since.

We are still together and working on our relationship. His drinking caused me to fall a bit out of love with him so I'm trying to get that back.

Sorry this is such a massive essay but I just wanted you to know that I was in a very similar situation and things improved. He needed a very very firm kick up the arse. And needed to know that it was about you and your DD and not him.

Good luck.

Am sorry for the awful day you've had.

This is probably not relevant but my DDad would always go out three nights each week when I was a child, in fact I think he started going out in his early twenties, as most people do, only he was still going out those same nights til he retired, now it's just one night each week.

It used to drive my DMum mad, I remember the weekly arguments, as we couldn't afford the money he spent on alcohol, or on cigarettes, yet these outgoings he prioritised, then there would be more arguments about where the money for the mortgage would come from, or my DM would ask why she couldn't have this surplus to spend on herself instead of struggling to buy anything.

He would come home drunk from these nights out, I think he was worse before I was born, I have an older brother and sister, they probably remember more than me, we don't talk about it. At Christmas and big occasions he would get wasted, the last time it happened he slept on bin liners, just inside the front door, in his own clothes. It put a dampener on every Christmas, you couldn't really look forward to it as you knew this night out would come first.

I'm rambling a bit now, never written it down before. My DM threatened divorce many times, never threw him out, I don't think she thought she had a choice. They're happy now, but do you want this to go on for thirty years or more before he decides he'd like to settle down?

Sorry if I've gone on a bit.

Simple and purple those posts must have take a lot to type out emotionally and I really hope op takes them on board from a wife and child's pov.

I'm sorry you have been through that though

Thank you for all the responses. And thank you purple and simple, reading your stories makes me really feel for you

When he came home my friend was here with me so she took DD so we could argue talk. He didn't even acknowledge DD here and didn't say anything to me until I started it asking where he'd been. He's got no excuse just the he did it because he wanted to and he probably should of messaged me but didn't think. I said that shows how much you must like and respect me then and he said no not at all I'm being stupid. I said he was selfish and ment to be a family man and I'm apparently the selfish one in our relationship but I go out with DD most days and do different things and I pointed out him excessive drinking and he said that's got nothing to do with it fucking idiot

He went and got strait into bed and I had to follow him. He said he didn't do drugs but I'm not convinced and neither was my friend from the look of him. He said he probably shouldn't do it but he has so what else is there to say about it, nothing.

I was so so angry I had to leave because I wanted to just hit him and I'm not a violent person. So I went to my friends and had a moan which made me feel a little embarrassed . I'm back at home now. It was really possible for me to stay out and the only person that would suffer is DD. he wouldn't care and it will leave me with my brain ticking tomorrow wondering what if what if. So I'm on the sofa and I need to think what my net move is and have it out with him in the morning before he goes to work

What do you think you'll gain from having it out with him? He's upstairs sleeping like a baby after his binge, he doesn't care.

It doesn't sound like he's going to stop this behaviour.

It will escalate. I've seen it first hand.

I wish you would leave but I know you won't until he's pushed you to absolute rock bottom.

I'll tell you part of my story. I went through nights like you just have, my partners vice was coke, I'd be surprised if yours wAsnt as well. Anyway, months and months of lies and worry and financial concerns, tears and contrition from him, broken, empty promises until the next time. I felt like I was going mad. There was always a next time. We had a daughter, we were planning on getting married. Anyway, this one night he doesn't come home until 11am the day after he went out. He came home, shrugging off my banshee screeches, telling me 'what could I expect if I was going to go on like that' he had the cheek to try and make me feel as though I were to blame. I snapped. He went upstairs to sleep it off and I followed him. If I'd had a knife I swear I'd have killed him. I lost it. Our daughter came upstairs and saw me laying physically into her father. I saw the look on her face. I stopped, picked her up and left. I cancelled our wedding that same day it was 7 weeks before the wedding. I moved home to my parents. I didn't speak to him for months other than to discuss child access. We had a happy ending but to be honest you don't need to know about that as I think we're the exception as opposed to the rule and it took years to get there. This can't be sorted 'before he goes to work' trust me on that.

He has told you what he expects you to put up with. No contact, him drinking and using and missing work, him being missing, you worrying and feeling horrible, no help or support from him with his DD, pissing work off, endangering people with drink driving, not even a decent apology because you are not worth that to him.

What are you and DD worth to you?

The thing is, he isn't even saying he will change. Not even bothering to say he will try. Fair play to him, he's honest about what a shit he is. He is saying that you are going to be putting up with this for ever. Are you?