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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DP

218 replies

OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 10:44

DP went out last night for a friends birthday and still isn't home. He had work at 8M this morning. He told me it would be a late one (about 3am) but at 5am he still weren't home so I phoned to make sure everything was okay and he was wasted and still drinking and refusing to stop because he was having a good time, he hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

I doubt he's gone to work because he's job is driving so my money is that he's still drinking. AIBU to be pissed off? And think he's a grown man so grow the fuck up Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 15:42

Wow this wasn't the way I was expecting this thread to go but I thought he'd be home by now

OP posts:
Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 15:42

Wow this wasn't the way I was expecting this thread to go but I thought he'd be home by now

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LadyKatherine · 09/09/2013 15:45

I don't want to upset you further but it strikes me that maybe he has decided he isn't going to come home now...that he doesn't want to deal with your (justified) 'nagging' and is taking the cowardly route of ending the relationship himself.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 09/09/2013 15:47

Or he's hoping you will be so worried and relieved to see him that you won't care what he's done.

IAmNotAMindReader · 09/09/2013 15:50

Unfortunately it looks like he may have decided the single life is for him Sad
If not then he'll stay away until you would normally have stopped being angry with him or stopped trying to talk about it. Unfortunately the problem with this is the gaps where he will be at home are going to get shorter and shorter as you will quite justifiably want to know where he has been the past couple of days, few days, week etc and each time he'll leave it later to come back till he doesn't one day.

Ask yourself a few questions. Do you want to live this way? Do you want your children to live this way and grow up in this environment?
If the answer to either of those is no, then end it with him and move on because he is not going to change.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 15:50

Lady if were going to end then I'd rather that he just doesn't come back and phones me to tell me then ill pack his stuff and leave it on the drive

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Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 15:51

ImNotAMindReader I don't think that will happen because if he doesn't come back tonight ill be putting DD to bed and getting my friend round to help me pack us stuff

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Andro · 09/09/2013 16:03

if he doesn't come back tonight ill be putting DD to bed and getting my friend round to help me pack us stuff

That's probably the best thing you've posted on this thread...now follow through with it if he doesn't show!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/09/2013 16:06

He won't realise and change.

He doesn't think there's anything wrong with the crappy way he's behaving and he won't reassess that opinion unless you make it clear that he either knocks it on the head or fucks off.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 16:06

If he doesn't then I 100% will

If he comes home I want to talk and try and sort our problems before DD is old enough to notice them.

She's been a handful today though I'm shattered

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KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 16:08

And exactly how well has your talking strategy worked for you in the past?

quesadilla · 09/09/2013 16:28

Some men do grow up and grow out of behaviour like this but they generally have to be shocked into realising it won't be tolerated.

If you aren't ready to cut ties completely you aren't ready but you need to send a very strong message that this is the absolute last chance saloon. (Personally I think I would be beyond this in your shoes but it sounds like you are not there.)

Pack his stuff, move out for a week, let him digest what has happened. If he hasn't come crawling back with a promise never to do it again and a serious attempt to look at what is wrong that he needs to do this, get rid.

devilcakes · 09/09/2013 16:29

I put up with this kind of shit for 6 yrs, kicked his sorry arse out last year and have never been happier!
You and you dc are worth so much more than this,

ThePinkOcelot · 09/09/2013 16:34

Here is a very unMN hug. You deserve so much better. So does my sister. Her arsehole bloke has been doing this for years. Every time he will never do it again! Guess what, he always does. She has wasted 12 years of her life on that waster! Don't waste anymore of yours.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 16:43

I know so many of you think I should get rid but its not that easy when its your life and happening right now. It's hard. I love him, I want him to change and stop doing things like this and to keep our family together

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Jengnr · 09/09/2013 16:48

How long are you going to give it?

Will you report him missing?

HugAndRoll · 09/09/2013 16:49

You're right, it must be harder when you actually have to do it. Do you have a local support network? Friends, family etc. I honestly can say he clearly doesn't give a toss about you or your daughter and if this isn't the only time he's done it he will do it again, no matter what he says.

CatThiefKeith · 09/09/2013 16:49

OP, please, pack his stuff and put it in the car. I have a fair bit of experience in this situation, and can tell you that is pretty much the only thing that works. You are not as important to him as alcohol (or worse) at the moment, and anything less will be seen as you spoiling his fun. Boring, old before your time, killjoy, nag - do any of these words sound familiar op?

Pack the car, kick him out, and refuse to speak to him for a few days. You say his parents don't know the half of it, but you need to tell them, even if you don't get on with them.

Your dh needs two things. A short sharp shock and then, when he faces up to the fact he has a problem, he will need professional help.

Pack his syff first, then get on the phone to his parents. Explain that he is an alcoholic, has been taking drugs and needs to face up to those facts. I they love him, they will want him to sort himself out. Now get packing! :)

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 16:53

You can want all you like but he's not taking a blind bit of notice, is he?
And the longer you stay and tolerate his appalling juvenile behaviour, the longer he will carry on. Because there is no adverse consequence to him. His Dad enables him by not sacking his arse and you enable him by staying. Ironically, your nice, kind, supportive behaviour in the face of his shit merely causes him to lose even more respect for you.
Loss is the only thing that motivates selfish arseholes like him. Believe me, I know this well Hmm

Snorbs · 09/09/2013 17:00

I love him, I want him to change and stop doing things like this and to keep our family together

I know you do. I did when I was in a similar situation. But right now he doesn't want to change. And you don't have the right to insist that he change into the person you think he should be. All you have is the right to decide whether the relationship you have is good enough for you or not.

Think about how long are you prepared to wait for him to change. A month? A year? A decade? The rest of your life?

If the fall-out from his drinking isn't bad enough yet - and that's a decision you are allowed to make - how bad would it need to get before you changed your mind?

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 17:00

I don't know what to do. Do I report him missing? I don't want to contact his parents at all, the relationship I has with them is the worst of the worst

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KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 17:02

Why is your relationship with them so bad love?

Lj8893 · 09/09/2013 17:05

I would seriously consider contacting his parents, they may have heard from him and at least that will put your mind at rest slightly.

When I was in this position, it was the not knowing where he was, who he was with etc that was the worst part for me. It was much easier to just be angry rather than worried as well.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 17:05

Because his mother is a nightmare and trys to dictate how I do everything with my DD but that's a whole different thread

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KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 17:06

So the mother has no respect for you either? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
You poor love Hmm