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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DP

218 replies

OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 10:44

DP went out last night for a friends birthday and still isn't home. He had work at 8M this morning. He told me it would be a late one (about 3am) but at 5am he still weren't home so I phoned to make sure everything was okay and he was wasted and still drinking and refusing to stop because he was having a good time, he hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

I doubt he's gone to work because he's job is driving so my money is that he's still drinking. AIBU to be pissed off? And think he's a grown man so grow the fuck up Angry

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 09/09/2013 18:34

If his friends not replying then that would make me think they are together. Y else would he not reply.

HolidayArmadillo · 09/09/2013 18:35

He's the one who should come out of this badly not you via a text to his parents. As another poster said, if he didn't turn up for work then they'll already know. If he did and he's just ignoring you well then you know what kind of a dickhead you're tied to. I have experience of this. I won't tell you my story but I know how soul destroying being that person wondering where the hell their 'd'p is.

raisah · 09/09/2013 18:38

I am surprised that work hasn't picked up on this pattern of sickies. Although it's safer that he didn't go into work if it involves driving, if he is still drinking would it be safe for him to drive tomorrow? My work place is really strict with sickness and would be investigating your sickness record after it passes a certain threshold.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 18:38

Call his dad. He may have phoned in sick.

as for "I want him to change and stop doing things like this and to keep our family together" - maybe he does not want this?

SoldAtAuction · 09/09/2013 18:47

Thanks I am sorry you are going through this. It makes sense to want to fix things, but it can only happen if you both see the problem, and it sounds like he doesn't.
What ever you choose to do, be strong, and set a good example for your DD. You have to set your own standards, and enforce them, every time.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 18:58

I don't know if I should text. If he's phoned this morning saying he's not working then what else can he tell me? If they've heard from him they will get great satisfaction in me not knowing and us obviously having problems and I'd be very surprised if iget a message back anyway they would want me to worry and feel like I need them for information

OP posts:
Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 19:02

I feel sick not knowing what's going on

OP posts:
complexnumber · 09/09/2013 19:02

So sorry for you.

Completely unforgivable behaviour, he has to have a very serious soul search, without trying to rationalise his last 12+ hours.

RobotHamster · 09/09/2013 19:04

Don't text. If you're going to contact them then call, otherwise you'll end up waiting for them to get back to you. At least if you speak to them you might be able to tell if they're telling you the truth too.

RobotHamster · 09/09/2013 19:05

If they don't know where he is I think its time to report him missing or at least give the police another call.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 19:05

I don't have it in me to phone them, I really don't

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 09/09/2013 19:05

If you feel that texting his parents would add fuel to the fire and make things worse then don't.

Unfortunately once you have contacted the local police and hospitals, all you can assume is for whatever reasons (still on a bender, hangover from hell or something else) he doesn't want to contact you right now.

All you need to do right now is work out what you want. Best wishes for the future. No matter how it turns out you can deal with it even if it seems overwhelming now.

RhondaJean · 09/09/2013 19:15

Oh you poor soul, occasionally in our early days my DH would get carried away when he went out and end up at someone's house, being a stressed type I would be I'll but he was always home by 5/6am (and he's pretty much grown out of it altogether now). I remember the feeling though and I cannot imagine how you must feel by now.

I think it's all been said about him already, just wanted to offer a hand to hold while you wait to hear what's happened.

jeanmiguelfangio · 09/09/2013 19:19

Oh I just want to give you a big unmumsnetty hug! What an awful situation you are in. It's really easy for us to all say LTB but its not that easy.
You can report anyone missing there is no time scale or anything like that so call the police again if you are worried and need to find him.

PurplePidjin · 09/09/2013 19:20

"I haven't heard from since he went out last night drinking. Have you seen him? I need to report him missing so let me know asap please. Thanks, OffOn"

Phone call is better but i know what you mean about plucking up courage to talk to people you dislike.

seesensepeople · 09/09/2013 19:24

Hello Off,

I think a simple but straight to the point "Hello FIL, I haven't seen "D"P since last night and I am very concerned. Have you heard from him?" would set the scene nicely with your in laws - it's the plonker who has necessitated the contact, you are just a concerned partner.

Be brave, send the text - he might have been there all day and you've been worrying yourself sick.

RobotHamster · 09/09/2013 19:28

Sounds best not to contact them at all then. After all, if they know where he is and aren't letting you know, or aren't pushing him to come home, you've nothing to gain by speaking to them.

Sit tight.

beachyhead · 09/09/2013 19:42

Is there anywhere that you could go and stay tonight, with you Dc? I think I would want to be out of the way, not waiting in on my own, for the return of someone who has had a major bender.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 19:43

He's just walked in the door without a care on the fucking world.

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DorothyBastard · 09/09/2013 19:43

I'm really sorry he is putting you through this Off, I bet you are feeling very concerned. Hopefully your friend is helping you feel a bit better.

These benders are not okay. You do not have to put up with this.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 09/09/2013 19:45

You have unanimous back up that you are nbu so say what needs to be said. Your not going crazy or overreacting. Good luck x

ThePinkOcelot · 09/09/2013 19:47

That is the exact reason you should tell him to sling his hook! Who the hell does he think he is?! Twat!

Andro · 09/09/2013 19:48

At least he's safe then, but you can't allow this to continue. If you really want to try and make this work, then al-anon and relate for his alcohol problem and your relationship issues respectively might be your best bet. Maybe look in on the relationship board as well, there's usually some good advice.

Original poster
OffOnABender · 09/09/2013 19:49

He just doesn't fucking care. Says oh well shouldn't of done it but its done now what can I do Angry

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IAmNotAMindReader · 09/09/2013 19:50

What he can do is pack his shit together and fuck off. He has shown you now just how little respect he has for you, your relationship and your child.