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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that girls only parties at 3 are not the norm?

272 replies

Redpipe · 07/09/2013 18:47

I have a 3 year old boy and there is a party for one of the girls at his nursery. The nursery only has 8 kids in his area. They do all their activities together and get on well (as well as 3-4 year old do!). All 6 girls have been invited to one of the girls party but neither boys have been invited because apparently "the party is just for girls and will have a girly theme"

AIBU to think that party invites by gender are not the norm for this age and just help to start the whole boys are different thing. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't feel right to me.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/09/2013 09:12

Actually I think it is fair enough if a child prefers only boys or girls at their party.

But I don't think it's nice at all to invite 6 children out of 8, regardless of the justification.

It's easy enough to say to a 3 year old that it wouldn't be nice to leave your two friends Boy1 and Boy2 out, so they are going to be invited too.

And bollocks to the theme. Boys can be princes (or princesses) or elves (or fairies) or whatever they need to be to join in some nonsense "girly" theme.

friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 09:20

I can't see the problem - adults have hen/stag dos, don't they?

diddl · 08/09/2013 09:22

"She has confirmed this, you are making assumption this is about numbers."

As are you-about space & finances!

Are you sure it isn't what the little girl wants even though the mother hasn't said this?

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2013 09:24

You don't get a 3 year old stag wannabe not understanding why they've been left out situation, though. This is a kids party, and two little kids can't go purely because they're boys.

friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 09:26

Yes - so they haven't been invited. That happens, doesn't it?

friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 09:27

I do see what you mean though Flogging and will admit I wouldn't do so myself. However, I don't really think there is anything wrong with the premise that it is a "girls only" party - it is not like not inviting gingers, or whatever, because the assumption is that what the girls are doing will hold little or no interest for the boys.

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 09:29

diddl
My assumptions are based firstly upon what she has said which is it's just for girls. She did not say I have to limit numbers so it's just for girls.

Without going into too much detail I do know that finances are not a problem or space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 09:32

friendslikethis

Yes of course kids don't get invited to parties. I have said this quite a few times now. I accept this and am not remotely upset about it. I simply wanted to know if it was common to exclude 2 children based upon gender at such a young age.

OP posts:
scaevola · 08/09/2013 09:33

"just for girls because of the theme" is very unpleasant stereotyping for children of such a young age.

It's not about friendship groups here either - as the sex divide doesn't match those. Nor is it a set piece event segregated event (like stag/hen do), it's a birthday party.

Looking at OP's posts, here's the reverse AIBU:

"DD's birthday party is coming up soon. Space/cost isn't a issue, but I'm planning to invite only 6 of her nursery class of 8 because I'm assuming the other two won't like the theme (though I don't know that for sure). DD has no problems with any of the DC in her class, and indeed 2 of those invited aren't particularly friends at all. The non-invited DC will, btw, know they've missed out as the invited DC will be going straight from a nursery session. AIBU?"

JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/09/2013 09:33

I think the unusual thing is that 2 kids have been excluded out of a groups of 8.

The boy/girl thing is, IME, pretty common at this age.

friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 09:46

I think girls/boys only parties are relatively common but I'm not sure at what age this generally happens.

DumSpiroSpero · 08/09/2013 10:05

Sorry but not your party = not your business and really not worth getting worked up over.

Not saying it's not a bit unusual at that age but presumably the parents have their reasons.

We started single sex parties after DD started primary. I have neither the desire nor the budget for whole class parties and it's a sensible way to limit numbers.

Crumbledwalnuts · 08/09/2013 10:15

"I think if your 2/3/4 year old is discriminating on the basis of gender you're doing something wrong as a parent."

I think your post is absolutely 100pc bang out wrong and bloody offensive.

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:17

Sorry but not your party = not your business and really not worth getting worked up over.

Firstly I am not "worked up" simply asking if this is normal.
Secondly, it becomes my business when my son asks why he's not invited because he's a boy.

OP posts:
Crumbledwalnuts · 08/09/2013 10:18

"You don't get a 3 year old stag wannabe not understanding why they've been left out situation, though."

You don't get a 3 year old not understanding why they've been left out unless a parent encourages it.

Crumbledwalnuts · 08/09/2013 10:19

Maybe your son does. Why don't you tell him it doesn't matter. He'll forget about it in no time. Or you could make a really big deal out of it. Up to you.

Crumbledwalnuts · 08/09/2013 10:21

Redpipe this is not rocket science. You say - sometimes it's only girls, sometimes it's only boys, sometimes it's both together. Have you really no idea what to say?

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:24

Crumbledwalnuts

Unfortunately this is totally untrue. The mum was talking in earshot of the boys about logistics of going straight from nursery and fancy dress changing logistics. The girls were then talking about dresses and were excited understandably. My son then asked if he could wear one of his favourite fancy dress costumes to the party.

Crumble. It is very rude of you to presume I would be so mean to my child to encourage him to not understand why he has been left out. An apology would be welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:26

Crumblenuts

Please point me to where I asked for advise about what to say to my son.

Please stop patronising me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:29

Redpipe this is not rocket science. You say - sometimes it's only girls, sometimes it's only boys, sometimes it's both together. Have you really no idea what to say?

Why are you offering advise about what to say to my son? Where have I said anyone's upset? Really jumping on me about something not even written on here.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 08/09/2013 10:30

Sorry but you're all way over-thinking this.

'Don't want to encourage gender stereotypes' WTF?? They are little children. Even at 3 not many boys I know would want to take part in a party involving princesses and fairies.

I grew up with lots of pink and girly stuff and the like. My mum didn't worry about gender stereotypes. Did it affect me in later life? No. I did subjects at A level traditionally seen as 'male' ie Maths and Physics and grew up having healthy relationships with boys AND girls.

Whatever you do, boys and girls can be quite different at this age. Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:35

Dancergirl

Both boys would have been very happy to take part in a fairy party btw. They were excluded not because they aren't into the theme but because they are boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 10:41

Still waiting for an apology from Crumbled........

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 08/09/2013 10:45

I had this recently. My fairy-loving, pink dress-wearing son wasn't invited to a 4th birthday party because it was "girls only". It's the wider implications that bothered me:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1789805-to-be-worried-DS-is-destined-for-social-pariah-hood-because-hes-a-boy

BrokenSunglasses · 08/09/2013 10:46

Redpipe, do you think you would be as bothered about this if there were more than two boys at the nursery so there were more of them not going?

I'm just wondering if this is really a problem because its a girls party, or if it's a problem because there are two out of a small group of 8 not going?