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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that girls only parties at 3 are not the norm?

272 replies

Redpipe · 07/09/2013 18:47

I have a 3 year old boy and there is a party for one of the girls at his nursery. The nursery only has 8 kids in his area. They do all their activities together and get on well (as well as 3-4 year old do!). All 6 girls have been invited to one of the girls party but neither boys have been invited because apparently "the party is just for girls and will have a girly theme"

AIBU to think that party invites by gender are not the norm for this age and just help to start the whole boys are different thing. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't feel right to me.

OP posts:
SunshineMMum · 07/09/2013 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 22:44

Maybe this three year old just wanted girls and just wanted a princess party. You are making a very big deal out of a tea party for six children.

acer12 · 07/09/2013 22:48

nice I think you may have backed your self in to a corner!
Although its essential boys and girls socialise together social growth it's actually ok for a three year old to have a fantasy princess party , next year it might me a play factory mixed thing, the year after something else. One day is not going to enforce stero types and make her in to bare foot pregnant woman tied to the kitchen sink! Hmm

It's a bloody shame when children can't be children with out their parents pushing there ideals and frigging party ideas on them .

BrokenSunglasses · 07/09/2013 22:51

If you are a person who conforms to gender role, then maybe it's hard to see why it's such a weird thing to do.

That's the thing isn't it? If you are someone who conforms to your gender role, as many of us are (hence the reason it's a stereotype) then it's not weird.

You make it sound like you think people who conform are somehow less valid, and less deserving of approval of their choices.

Being an untypical male or female doesn't make you a better person.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 22:56

I missed that. Am I being accused of conforming to a gender role? Who by?

Heard a great line in a film the other day. Let's play a game of Fuck Off. You go first.

Seriously because I don't mind a fairy party for six girls? Nothing to do with my job, my fair-minded kids, my lectures on equal rights, all the other stuff that most normal educated women crack on with these days?
Is that what you're reduced to? accusing me of being a Barbie?

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 22:57

lol I mean my lectures on equal rights to my children not in any academic setting

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/09/2013 22:59

But even if the little girl did want a fairy themed party, why not invite the boys anyway and let them decide whether they want to attend? My DS 3.8 would be thrilled to go to a fairy/princess themed party Grin

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/09/2013 23:01

Why can't the child who wants a mermaid party have a "Mermaids and Monsters" party? Then any child...girl or boy can come and dress up as they choose.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 23:03

maybe the 3 year old doesn't want any monsters at her party, I don't see why she should be forced
whisper, I'm getting you, I know that, I have that t-shirt Grin

BrokenSunglasses · 07/09/2013 23:12

Because the child whose birthday it is wants to wear her princess dress and she wants her party to be full of her friends being princesses in their dresses.

That's just what she wants. She's only three and she just happens to really like princesses. Her preference isn't wrong, or harmful in any way, it's just what she is drawn to out of the many things she is exposed to. She might play at being a monster next week because she thinks that's fun too, but for her party she wants to play princesses.

Why should this little girl that Im making up but, who could be the birthday girl in the OP, be told that the thing she likes is wrong?

Why is it terrible to send a message that a boy that they shouldn't like princesses, when it's ok to send that exact same message to a girl by insisting that they have something else for their own birthday party?

pumpingprincess · 08/09/2013 00:40

DD (4) recently had a party - no theme - she did not want boys at her party. She does not socialise or really play with the boys at her nursery but has strong bonds and friendships with a good few of the girls.

IMHO the party theme is a red herring.

Really what underlies the thread is the debate surrounding gender as a social construct, which in part it is. Gender is also biological, genetic, hormonal and physical. There are real differences between gender. It is naïve to think that there isn't.

It's also part of normal development for 3/4 year olds to realise their gender and the differences between them. For some this means that they only want to play with and relate to those of the same gender.

and why not. If DD doesn't want to have boys at her party, then I think fair enough!

cece · 08/09/2013 01:59

He had about 13 boys. There were about 28-30 children in the Nursery (not sure of exact number). I didn't invite all of the boys - just the ones he plays with and talks about. I didn't invite any girls as he never plays with any of them and when I asked him if he wanted to invite any girls he said he didn't like any of them...

TBH I didn't know who most of his nursery class were and he never spoke about them, so why would we invite them to his party? We just invited his friends.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/09/2013 02:15

I think if your 2/3/4 year old is discriminating on the basis of gender you're doing something wrong as a parent. In just the same way if your child didn't want to invite anyone with ginger hair/who wears glasses/who has different coloured skin to them.

If they believe their party will be ruined by the presence of someone with different genitals to them, you've gone wrong somewhere.

squoosh · 08/09/2013 02:49

'Really what underlies the thread is the debate surrounding gender as a social construct, which in part it is. Gender is also biological, genetic, hormonal and physical. There are real differences between gender.'

Oh blah, blah, blah.................the point of this story is that two children from a tiny group of 8 were excluded for reason of their gender. It would have been depressing but not as mean spirited if there was a more even gender divide in the class but any parent who thinks that this particular situation was acceptable needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

MummyBeerest · 08/09/2013 03:27

Not much to add except. ..

Why the fuck do parties have to have a theme all the fucking time?

DD is 1. Her theme for her party was cake.

I think I got to pick the colour of the balloons and napkins for my birthday. Since purple has been my lifelong favourite colour, I suppose my birthdays had a recurring theme.

My sister's birthday is in August and we swam in the pool every year. I guess that was her theme?

end rant

GertBySea · 08/09/2013 04:19

My soon to be 3yo is only having 8 or so kids to her party. It's not about excluding people, it's about keeping numbers manageable for a young child. And for me.

She doesn't have the language, memory or attention span to go on and on about her party at nursery. I shouldn't think the kids who aren't coming will even realise that there was a party m

At 4 possibly or 5 upwards it will be different and we will invite them all, as we have done with our older one. But 3, I see as my last chance to get away with a smaller group and make life a bit easier!

GertBySea · 08/09/2013 04:20

And meant to add that choosing only the girls might have been a way for the party host in the OP to have limited her numbers accordingly.

3birthdaybunnies · 08/09/2013 07:34

I do also think that you have to develop a thick skin with regards to birthday party invites. It only gets worse, particularly in yrR/yr1. You might invite everyone, someone else might just invite boys as shortcut to keep numbers down. Your child announces two days before the party that they have a new best friend whom you haven't invited, they have a big falling out and don't want to have someone anymore, half the girls/boys leave school on a Friday night having already changed into party clothes including most of your child's friends off to some other child's party. Everyone seems to be going to some party so you end up telling parents about the wonderful weekend you have planned for ages for your child which is probably just visiting Grandparents but sounds more fun when you've thrown in a family reunion (seeing BIL if he pops in for 5min) or trip to an attraction (the splashing fountain in their park) as way of explaination for your child's absence at the social event of the decade. The children tend to shrug it all off but you will suffer if you let it.

I agree that the party theme is a red herring - 5yr old boys were perfectly happy at a fairy party, 3yr old girls enjoyed a dinosaur party. My children love choosing a theme for the party - ds announced his within weeks of his last party and has been looking forward to it all year - he's not yet 4 but still has clear ideas about what he wants. He might say that it is a boy theme and for boys but as most of his friends are girls he will have both there, if he just played with boys then just the boys would come.

Crowler · 08/09/2013 07:40

I'm a bit Hmm at the idea of a three-year old not wanting opposite sex kids at their party.

How does that happen?

This is all very depressing, my kids were both in about year 1 when they started with "I do not play with girls".

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 07:41

To clarify a few points;

  1. The party is straight after nursery, there are a couple of siblings but they won't be there I shouldn't think because they are school age so it's unlikely to be about numbers.
  2. As I said earlier it is unlikely to be about finance or space and the mum said "it was just for girls because of the theme"
  3. Two of the girls are brought in by their nanny's and the parents are definitely not friends or anything.
  4. There is no animosity with the other boy's parent or myself, it's quite a relaxed group of adults.
  5. and for the poster that suggested the boys might have be mean to the girls well that is just absurd.
  6. I am not upset for my son not being invited to the party, that happens for a variety of reasons such as finances, space, friendships and I totally accept but none of these are reasons here.

Lastly it would have only been 2 more guests so I can only take on face value that this is solely about gender as the mother stated.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/09/2013 08:41

"I think if your 2/3/4 year old is discriminating on the basis of gender you're doing something wrong as a parent."

OK, what am I doing wrong?

Tell me.

Both my daughters had/have a strong preference for girls only at 3.

DD1 was over it by the time she was 4.5.

What terrible mistake am I making?

diddl · 08/09/2013 08:51

My kids used to pay with oppsite genders at Kindergarten, but never invited them to parties.

Why should the child/mum accomodate 8 kids if she only wants 6?

manchestermummy · 08/09/2013 09:02

How depressing.

My DD didn't get invited to the party of a boy she has known since birth because the birthday boy only wanted boys. Fine. The bit that made me Hmm was his mu:a friend of mine, saying that because it was a football party, they had decided that no girls should come. I assume that the birthday boy's sisters were also excluded.

manchestermummy · 08/09/2013 09:03

His mum, not mu:.

Original poster
Redpipe · 08/09/2013 09:07

diddl
Why should the child/mum accomodate 8 kids if she only wants 6?

She doesn't want 6 she wants girls only. She has confirmed this, you are making assumption this is about numbers.

OP posts: