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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 27/08/2013 17:00

No idea really but I think deep down a lot of parents wants this..

My in laws want mine to be popular and make sure everything is just so for their dgc.. They have even made sounds about where we live not being quite right and how we need to move.

AnythingNotEverything · 27/08/2013 17:01

I don't think I can help. I want my DCs to be happy, and to be themselves.

Chattymummyhere · 27/08/2013 17:02

oh my DH was the popular child for nothing more than having a rich family, living in a nice big house in the right area and being ok at playing footballs..

His also never had an interview in his life for any of the jobs his had, they have all been offered and some even very forcefully "We won't do this unless Chattydad works for us!"

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2013 17:02

The popular kids are more likely to take drugs, drink excessively and engage in risky sexual behaviour. Middling and slightly nerdy with friends is what I am aiming for. Since DH and I both hit that dizzy height, I think DD will be fine. Grin

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 17:03

Some of the popular children gain their popularity through the slight fear in others that they will be the butt of the popular child's derision.

IYSWIM

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/08/2013 17:04

I was very unpopular as a kid/teen and did pretty well for myself academically & people seem to take to me pretty well in adulthood Hmm

I can see where you're coming from but try not to give them a complex

cantspel · 27/08/2013 17:04

Popular groups can and do change. My younger son was a bit of a loner in primary and not at all in with the popular boys.

Now a few years later those who were the popular boys at primary are not so popular in secondary but my son is very popular.

KatoPotato · 27/08/2013 17:04

Of course I want my DS to make friends easily and be self-confident but I also want him to be fair, kind and considerate of others around him, not just those who are 'popular'

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 27/08/2013 17:04

Yes I want it too as it makes school life so much easier.

SparkyTGD · 27/08/2013 17:04

Hmmm, I'm not sure. I think the 'popular' ones are somewhat pushy. My DS is more of a Beta and its just not his nature to be the 'me, me, me!' child at the front.

He's friends with the 'popular' alpha's but not everyone can be alpha's IYKWIM, they will be themselves.

Sparrowfarts · 27/08/2013 17:05

Hmm, not c

Mumsyblouse · 27/08/2013 17:05

I don't agree the very popular children always do well at all, imo, once you get to secondary level there's no correlation and lots of the geeky not fitting in ones have done very well indeed.

Also, in primary, it doesn't take a genius to realise that the very popular girl/boy in a class is usually very good-looking as well as having social currency. You can't control for that really.

I don't want my children to be alpha/exceptionally popular at all, I want them to have a few really lovely friends, try very hard and do well at a range of things. They are moderately popular, but not the alpha child in each class which suits me just fine.

Hugglepuff · 27/08/2013 17:05

Happy, quirky, individual and kind would do me fine

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/08/2013 17:05

(incidentally, the most popular girls from my year have almost all dropped out of uni/college & made fairly questionable 'life choices' like those mentioned above. Maybe a coincidence but you can't tie the success of your children to how popular they are at school)...

Damnautocorrect · 27/08/2013 17:05

Katie is that you?!?!?

You'd want that for your children? The popular kids at my school seemed to have struggled in real life, too much pressure to live upto from school.
The middle level seems to have achieved the most and be the happiest (also doing much 'cooler' stuff now then the 'popular' ones)

I want my ds to be happy in himself and to enjoy life.

JemimaMuddledUp · 27/08/2013 17:06

I think they've either got it or they haven't TBH.

DS1 should theoretically not be the cool kid, he is ginger with goofy teeth and when he started school he was really, really shy. But he is now going into Y6 and is definitely one of the cool kids, admired by girls and boys are desperate to be his mate. He seems to do nothing to encourage this, he just is.

DS2 has always been more confident, but is definitely not the cool kid. I don't think he ever will be. Which upsets him as most of the boys in his year idolise DS1. He worries far more than DS1 about fashion etc, but is never ever the cool kid.

I was definitely more like DS2 when I was in school.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 17:06

I don't agree that teachers prefer popular children

IME they like polite, kind, quirky, funny, interesting, not-necessarily-well-behaved-all-the-time children.

Which is not to say that popular children can't be all of the above

Fairy1303 · 27/08/2013 17:06

In my school the popular kids were popular because they were bitchy, mean bullies, and the other kids realised that life would be easier if they were on the right side of them.

Value your kids for who they are, for having the confidence to be themselves even if it is not what makes them "fit in" . Is that not more important??!

elfycat · 27/08/2013 17:08

I did quite well as a bit of a nerd and sci-fi geek. We get better female role models too.

I'm still good friends 30 years on with some of my school friends. We were all a bit geeky and formed a group that has lasted.

LadyFlumpalot · 27/08/2013 17:08

I disagree, I think the super popular children grow up lacking social skills as they have never had to try and make friends, other children came to them without any effort.

says the super geeky, never popular, speccy and ugly kid who isn't bitter at all.

ageofgrandillusion · 27/08/2013 17:09

The most popular kids were often twats from what i remember.

Mumsyblouse · 27/08/2013 17:09

And I was actively not popular as a child, but came into my own from about 14 onwards and increased in popularity up til perhaps my thirties (now on a downhill slope again, too geeky). I had lots of traits which weren't very good for childhood playing, but served me well in the adult world (in fact, I was more popular with adults as a child for this reason).

I think this is an odd goal to set for your child and I'm not sure you can help, although the standard things of inviting friends over lots, having birthday parties and generally being a nice sociable family means that whatever popularity they naturally have is maximised if you see what I mean.

dreamofwhitehorses · 27/08/2013 17:09

Interestingly, I think there has been some research that suggests the opposite of what you have imagined is true. Children who are super popular and successful at school find that when they leave and become a smaller fish in a much bigger pond they're not as wonderful as they thought they were. There was some evidence to suggest that they 'peaked' too early and never matched the success and popularity they found at school later in life. Its a cliche they use in american films, the jock who is still reliving his school triumphs in his 30's is painted as a bit of a sad case.
But I agree there character traits you can nurture in your child, but they are things that should be with them for the long run, not just to win a popularity contest. Kindness, loyalty, compassion, a sense a justice, courage in their convictions, bravery to stand up for the vulnerable, you know, those sort of things...

tryasimight · 27/08/2013 17:09

No, I don't want this for my DC.

I wasn't popular at school, I wasn't popular either. I just 'was'. Wasn't bullied or picked on or anything, had lots of close friends.

I ended up at Uni, sharing a flat with one of the v popular girls from school. She's a lovely girl, very pretty, great personality but (IMO, anyway) I was probably the more confident of the two of us.

I don't think it did me any harm to be not included at times, or (occasionally) singled out for mouth by some of the harder girls at school. It taught me how to shrug these things off, and to develop a bit of a tougher skin later in life.

Most importantly, it taught me that it's alright for not everyone to like you. That being popular isn't actually very important at all. I am not remotely bothered if someone I have a low opinion of doesn't like me - I take it as a compliment.

Perhaps I would have turned out the same if I was very popular, but I don't know, I think there's something about being safely tucked inside some of kind of gilded inner circle that prevents you from having the opportunities to learn to stand up for yourself.

EldritchCleavage · 27/08/2013 17:10

i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

That's not necessarily the best thing though. As long as they are well-adjusted with nice friends they connect with, they'll be fine. That kind of popularity (especially in primary school age children) can be superficial and transitory. And parents pushing for it will generally end in tears.