to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

[dirtyface]

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

Ds1 is happy, has lovely kind friends. Gets invited to parties. They all seem kind.

Beyond that I have no idea. I knew at my school. Find it fairly pointless to guess at his.

I wouldn't want DS to be the alpha popular one. In my school they were twats and have not made a success if their lives at all. The geeky serious ones have done the best.
I agree that everyone wants their kid to fit in and not be left out but there's a big difference between that and super popular.

I just wanted mine to be happy and have some friends.

IME the really popular ones weren't always the nicest.

Thanks - it wasn't intended to be particularly 'lovely' in that sense, just, I do think that mostly when someone is popular at school, it is usually one of those two things, and you'd know if it were the other one.

It doesn't mean that if someone isn't popular then they must have parents who didn't do x, y and z. I wasn't popular at school and I shudder at the thought of going back - I'm much happier out of that environment and so will many people be. But I do think it matters to say that people who're kind tend to get a good reputation whether they're 13 or 30.

TSC Your children are delightful and sweet and quite normal.

Not social misfits at all!

Sorry everlong, that wasn't directed at you, I'm talking about the OP trying to steer her children into this group. It's not a good idea IMO, she needs to let them find their own friends. If they turn out to be alpha and popular then so be it, wishing for it is a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

can we please refrain from the stereotypes if 'bitch girls painting their nails and are the popular ones who fail in later life' what crap!!! my dds paint their nails, are nice and hopefully will carry in being nice in their adult lives.

geeky does not = kind or successful and equality does not preclude it.

a 'hermionie' doesn't necessarily mean successful in adult hood or a failure.

we all evolve and change. God help us if we all are judged in how we were at 17!!!

Mine have all been geeky and academic.

Eldest not v popular at primary, found a solid friendship group at secondary - small but welded together and now at uni seems to be miss popular and dong well on her course- she's blossomed so much ..

Ds unpopular brain box with some bullying at primary - that was hard- to being friends with the bigger boys at secondary (having boys he was already mates with in higher years) to being settled with a large group of mates in 6th form. I was v worried he'd be a loaner.

Dd2 popular ish in primary (not alpha). Dip as she matured faster than her peers(I guess du to older siblings?) with the year 8-9 bitchiness being a bt of an issue. Back to ok again now...

I think they are all pretty happy to be themselves. In the end it works out it seems.

Disagree that we can't do much to influence it - we can help yor kids be happy with their own strengths and that confidence will help them get on with others ( we picked up and ran with ds strengths when he was being bullied and it showed him there were " other boys like him")

I want my DCs to have friends but not to be the alpha male/female either really. I hated my school days and went through them being bullied the whole time, I'm not surprised really, I wasn't the right sort of child to be popular and so I wouldn't want mine to be like that. In my experience it was the alpha kids who did the bullying so obviously I wouldn't want mine to be that way.

really all the popular kids left with no qualifications and work at mc Donald's???? seriously..

fantastic judgemental shite!!

My daughter is 16 and I have witnessed the 'popular' thing close up for several years now. I think there's two types.

There are the rich kids who have the money and seemingly very liberal parents who were going to house parties at 13 and drinking and swapping boyfriends way before they were old enough to know what they were doing. That group have moved on to drugs and further sexual exploits. Their parents are rich, include company directors etc who I suspect have little idea of what their children are up to. They are feared rather that popular, arrogant, entitled and rule the year. Individually they can be pleasant enough, in classes where they are isolated perhaps, but as a group they are formidable. They are collectively known as 'The Populars'. Many of these kids are very clever, their parents have serious jobs and big houses, it's in the genes.

Then there is the group of kids who are firm friends, also very clever but who just seem a whole lot kinder. They are not feared and I think are also much more popular with the teachers. Prepared to actually get stuck in and help out with school tasks, not just pick the plum jobs and direct. The ones who are happy to be 16 and still find things to look forward to because they haven't done it all already. They are popular but in a different way. They are the ones younger kids might go to for help because they have the reputation for being decent. Maybe the ones who have stricter parents, not willing to allow them to grow up too fast and who want them to have genuine friends and just be happy.

I think that here is a big difference between children that are genuinely liked by all type popular, and children who fight to be known as being in the popular group.

Very different personalities/ aspirations/ behaviours are involved. I would never aspire for my children to be in the latter group, in fact I'd fight quite hard to stop them wanting to be in with the 'populars' because in general those groups appear to be destructive, always jostling for top spot, subsuming their own personailities and not actually liking each other.

That's certainly what I have observed in both ds and dd's year groups. The most popular boy at my primary growing up ended up dead two years later (glue sniffing) and I cannot imagine any particularly glowing future for the most popular girl in dd's year group because she is really nothing special at all, just a bit of a nasty piece of work (I've known her quite well for a number of years).

My children are secondary age and I hope for them to have and maintain a group of like minded friends that they have fun with. Whether other children outside of that group like them or not doesn't really matter very much.

As I mentioned before, it DOES depend on the school. My school was unsuccessful in encouraging an atmosphere where it was ok to succeed academically. Anybody who got university worthy grades was belittled and could not be popular. Therefore most of the popular kids were not very successful adults (with a few notable exceptions who pulled their socks up later in life).

I KNOW that not all schools are like this (mine was in a rough area) but I think it's worth acknowledging and considering when advocating your children take a particular role at school.

Oh and my best friend at school (we shared a room as boarders) was very popular. She was also lovely. But I gained a whole new appreciation of just how much work it was being popular! I was glad I didn't have to bother with all that politics between my small number of slightly misfit friends. It was slightly upsetting when she got about 20 valentines cards and I got two, but I wouldn't have swopped places with her none the less.

I'd rather have children who were decent, thoughtful, reflective human beings than worry about whether they were popular. Children can be pack animals--those they find popular aren't always the nicest ones (though I'm not saying they're not).

actually the majority of "popular" kids are complete cunts IME, the girls get

knocked up at 17 and the boys go on the dole.
the funny thing , nobody actually likes them, they are just intimidated into pretending that they do.
so no, i do not want my children to be 'popular'

Someone mentions popular and a whole stream of spiteful posts, full of projection and vitriol follow. Every fucking time!

I would imagine (sorry haven't read all the thread so someone may have mentioned this...) that it depends what children are popular 'for'.

I went to a Grammar School so what is perceived maybe to be 'geekish' somewhere else actually made you more popular. Those who were very bright aswell as good at sports etc. The sort of girls who were popular at my Dsis school, were the ones that played up and made everyone laugh during lessons, by playing practical jokes.

Unfortunately I wasn't popular at school. I was one of those girls who had friends on a Friday and by Monday, they were friends with someone else. It has given me major confidence and self-esteem issues which I am sure encouraged my self-destructive stage through my 20s.

When I started work though I was popular and made friends easily. I still do and I'm pretty much the social secretary of any 'group' I find myself part of. I love being around lots of people.

So for that reason, yes, I do want DD to be popular. But for the right reasons. I want her to be kind, funny and popular because she makes people happy when they're around her. Being unpopular is heart-breaking. I remember it well and I'm so grateful for the love and support I get from many friends today, including three best friends who have seen me through 18 years of change.

You know what lots of people are popular because they have the whole package: bright, attractive, witty, good all rounder, outside interests, a bit edgy and nice to people. At least that's what it was like at my school.

The popular kids were genuinely popular and have all gone on to good things.

I'm sure we can all agree that we don't want our children to be unpopular/ have no friends/ be social outcasts.