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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
IsleOfRight · 29/08/2013 20:58

nerds

Bumblebee333 · 29/08/2013 22:02

I was popular all throughout school. I went a totally different path from everyone else I knew from school at college and really struggled to make friends. I also struggled to make friends at work until the last few years.
I am still friends with the same group of girls from school though.

fossil971 · 29/08/2013 22:06

I think a lot of it is down to a child's temperament. Not everyone is outgoing or a natural leader. Some of the "alpha" children at DS's school pick on him Sad

But more broadly I think to try and nurture social skills and emotional intelligence in your children IS a good thing so I sort of see where the OP is coming from.

urtwistingmymelonman · 30/08/2013 16:20

I was a bit like you when my son first started school but soon realised that my sons real personality is far more appealing than any superficial label tbh.
I have also found,like some other posters,that the whole alpha child thing chops and changes throughout school anyway.
my son is caring,tolerant,kind and funny and this has ensured that he is now a very well liked and popular child as he has been true to himself for the last five years at school.
this sort of thing will always win out over bolshiness,money and showiness anyday.

encyclogirl · 30/08/2013 16:35

Just need to post this.

I posted upthread about how ds13 is popular but I think also very kind.

My ds13 is part of the rugby team and in his school that gives you some serious status. He's just started at the school but he's started with a lot of the team he's played with since he was 7 and because they are a successful rugby team and very bonded, they are very confident together and funny and sporty etc.

Anyway, last night at dinner ds told us that one of the boys in his year had been sitting alone since Monday. Ds noticed and yesterday he asked him would he like to join their table. The lad was really shy and tried to decline, but the boys convinced him to join. Apparently he didn't say very much, but today they made him join again and he was chatting away all lunch time.

On ds's way out of the canteen his Year head pulled him to one side and said "Well played T."

Ds was delighted of course, but not half as much as I am.

cory · 30/08/2013 16:40

I used to worry about ds when he was in junior school because he didn't really seem to be anything: not clever at academic things, not good at sports, not noticeably musical or creative, very shy, not at all outgoing, or hardworking or anything.

And then one day when I was tidying up I came across one of those little laminated cards they made at infants school where you have to write down something about another child. And it read "X is a kind person in ower skol". And I thought "That's all right then. I know all I need to know."

blueberryupsidedown · 30/08/2013 16:48

Personally, I think the original post is a bit of a joke. The popular boys in my sons' classes are the naughty ones. The popular girls in my sons' classes are the ones who gang up on the others and act like little bullies.

blueberryupsidedown · 30/08/2013 16:49

Oh and I don't want my children to 'fit in'. I want them to be themselves, even if that means being different in all sense of the word. That includes respecting children that are different too.

TheUglyFuckling · 30/08/2013 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollyisalovelyname · 30/08/2013 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noobieteacher · 30/08/2013 16:57

Totally agree with blueberry.

And holly I think that's exactly where these pressured children head - to insecurity and low self-esteem.

It's different if it's somewhere that you feel comfortable, but if you're actually a bit shy and are being 'played' by your parents to get into the top group it's got to be quite damaging.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2013 17:02

Parents are at their worst in the reception class-after that they realise they have no control. All you can do is support your child in friendships, bring them up to be friendly,resilient and caring and above all their own person who doesn't have to follow the herd.
By teens you don't necessarily want them to be one of the 'cool' kids-it depends entirely on what is 'cool'.
It isn't something you can achieve for them with money or the 'right' gear etc.

kerala · 30/08/2013 18:28

Ugly it's called "gangstering" suddenly you are ostracised for no real reason until you are not. Happens to most people at some stage of their teens but can be devastating. Think it's some awful developmental stage or something happened to me at 14 but resolved. So happy those years behind me now!

MoominMammasHandbag · 30/08/2013 19:26

Encyclogirl - I think I have something in my eye after reading your post. My DS was the only one from his primary who went to his high school and was similarly adopted by a nice bunch of lads. You should be very proud.

Thepowerof3 · 31/08/2013 08:51

My 4 year old DD seems to be the leader of 'the gang' in her class but the gang seems to consist of the whole class, they all seem to be in the first flush of love

Feminine · 31/08/2013 10:38

thepower Confused

"in love" what, with your DD?

Kleinzeit · 31/08/2013 16:32

(that's lovely cory Smile)

Thepowerof3 · 31/08/2013 16:47

In love with each other, they all get on really well

BrianTheMole · 31/08/2013 17:20

I just want my children to be happy. Being popular doesn't bother me. I want them to walk their own path, not be led by the crowd, and to follow their hearts.

BoffinMum · 31/08/2013 17:28

Research says that popular kids in primary school tend to be physically attractive, smiley, play nicely and show compassion to other children. A higher proportion of them will have attended formal daycare settings, such as nurseries.

At secondary it's more feral and the research is out on that one, but being smiley and caring to others stands you in good stead generally so you won't be completely without friends.

SweetLathyrus · 31/08/2013 17:29

So proud of my DS, he told me some 'popular' girls in the year below him came up to tell him "you got no swag cos all you does is read books" (sic) he told them to enjoy working at a well known burger chain.

Feminine · 31/08/2013 17:47

sweet that wasn't nice either though...Confused

I get that they were mean...but

some posters might work for the same place.

Thepowerof3 · 31/08/2013 18:05

Being happy is the most important thing, what on earth is 'swag' ?

Feminine · 31/08/2013 18:19

Teens don't take swag seriously, I just asked ds (14)

Thepowerof3 · 31/08/2013 18:45

I guess if I have to ask what swag is it pretty much means I don't have any