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Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
youarewinning · 27/08/2013 17:23

IME the 'popular alphas' in Primary are generally the biggest swinnies, the liars and the entitled whatnames who go on to be the least popular ones come secondary and/or the bullies.

My DS has suspected ASD - I'd just like him to be able to communicate effectively with his peers - popular may be a little too ambitious for us!

LazyMonkeyButler · 27/08/2013 17:24

No, super popular is not what you should want. A happy child with good friends, as opposed to lots and lots of sheep/hero worshippers, is what I would hope for.

And I would second the comment that the most "super popular" kids at my school were complete twats (with the benefits of hindsight). I don't want my child to be a twat.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/08/2013 17:25

None of the "alpha" popular kids I went to school with have done that well for themselves as adults. Just saying.

youarewinning · 27/08/2013 17:25

I want to clarify I differentiate between popular and popular alphas.

EstelleGetty · 27/08/2013 17:25

I thought I was going to blow my top when I saw your thread title, dirtyface, but having read on, I feel a lot of sympathy for you. I don't have DCs yet, but wouldn't want them to be as miserable as I was at school.

I was never popular, because I was geeky and shy. I didn't have cool clothes. But you know what? I look back at the wee person I was and think "you were pretty awesome. You did your own thing. Not being popular at school hasn't stopped you from doing well for yourself, having great relationships and a lovely DH." The popular kids at my school were not very nice at all. I once saw a T-shirt in M&S kidswear that had the word 'popular' printed on it, and I wanted to tear it into little pieces. I think, as YourHandinMyHand says, having a few very good friends who you can trust is so much more important than being 'alpha.' Which is another word I hate! I knew a few 'alphas' at school. I wouldn't want their lives now, thanks. I'd rather have travelled the world, got a PhD (almost there), married a gentle, hilarious, deeply uncool man than settled 2 minutes away from the school, went to uni with everyone from school and married a classmate. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm glad I've seen so much of the other stuff out there.

everlong · 27/08/2013 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 17:27

Estelle

There are some children for whom the part of childhood that takes place in the playground is not the easiest. Yet you know they'll be great adults if they can just be supported enough to gain self-confidence

mignonette · 27/08/2013 17:28

Alpha implies that there are Zeta children.

And then I would ask "Why are they Zeta?" And I think the reasons would be ugly.

Dahlen · 27/08/2013 17:28

I think a large degree of popularity is based on social skills and confidence. Some is based on sheer charisma, which seems more innate. Loyalty, integrity and sensitivity - those things so desired in a partner or good friend - have nothing to do with popularity. The quietest, nerdiest and most unpopular child may have these in abundance, but similarly, being popular does not mean that you don't have those qualities.

Some popular types are lovely. Others are not.

FrickingFracking · 27/08/2013 17:29

Feeling like the popular kid at school myself today - my thread about whether you do or buy thing to help them fit in at school made discussions of the day and now there is a thread 'inspired' by my thread!

I think I want my DC to feel part of their peer group but I think I'd rather they weren't the uber-cool kids. In my experience they tend to come a cropper (drugs, sex, off the rails) or tend to not be very nice. There are a few exceptions to the rule of course.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/08/2013 17:29

op sorry to hear you were bullied like that. I was too and it's actually the bullying that stuck with me and caused problems, not the fact I wasn't popular. I was very glad that although I might've been bullied for it, I wasn't a bitchy sadist like a lot of the popular girls Grin

Madamecastafiore · 27/08/2013 17:31

I don't care if my kids are the alpha popular kids. I refuse to buy my kids things for them to be popular as I don't want other kids to like my kids because they have the right clothes etc. I want my children to be liked because they are articulate and have a kind heart.

I have a fab life and was not the popular girl at school - I have actually seen a couple of the popular girls since leaving school (a good long while ago) and have to say that I am think I am far happier than them and have a wider circle of friends, probably because they still think what made them popular at school is enough to carry them forward and make them popular as adults whereas we all know that is not true.

diamond211 · 27/08/2013 17:31

I don't really think that there is a magic formula.

Fortunately both my 2 DC's have always been very popular with a large friendship group. They are polite and caring though and I have always taught my daughter to never take sides if 2 of her friends fall out (as girls tend to do), but to remain friends with both of them.

They both also know that if someone tells them something in confidence that it remains a secret, that they don't gossip.
My daughter (now 16) has become the one in her class that both girls and boys go to if they need to talk as they know it will go no further.

Both of my DC's spent quite a lot of time with adults when they were young and were quite happy to talk and hold conversations as appropriate.
We didn't really curtail our lifestyle too much either, they came with us where ever we went and we taught them to behave appropriately in that situation.
I think that this maybe helped with their confidence, but who knows!Hmm

I too have read somewhere that confidence and popularity trump exam results in the long term, but ultimately so long as your DC's are happy and content that's all you can ask for.

I don't think you can push them into being popular - I don't think it has anything to do with wealth or material things either.

And never think that you can influence their friendships, it may work in the short term while they are very young but in the long run they will be drawn to some people over others - and that is the way it should be really!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 17:32

DS2 is very popular, BTW. I worry more about him at the moment because I know that his very sociability is his potential Achilles Heel. He's a good, polite, hardworking boy but he cares maybe more that I would like about being similar to others.

But that's his journey to negotiate (with our guidance)

soverylucky · 27/08/2013 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperSeagull · 27/08/2013 17:33

I absolutely would not want my children to be the "super popular 'alpha' children." That implies wanting them to be in a group that excludes others (the "beta," "gamma," and "delta" children? Hmm). I would much prefer to have children who were kind to everybody, who didn't care who was in the in-crowd, who felt comfortable enough in their own skins and confident enough to be friends with anyone they liked.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 17:34

We want our children to be so perfect, don't we?

cupoftchai · 27/08/2013 17:36

good self-esteem and good confidence correlate well with both doing well nad being happy as an adult, and being popular as a child. but it would be better to hold that, the self esteem and confidence, in mind in what you are trying to instil in your children, than popularity which can be very fickle and fleeting.

Feminine · 27/08/2013 17:36

Interesting thread.

I think being themselves helps no matter what that type of personality that may be.

Both my sons appear to popular. They are like chalk and cheese, in looks and personality. What they are, is true to themselves.

This really comes in to play from about yr4 when they are discovering who they are.

I don't agree that looks help. In fact I think they can sometimes hinder popularity because of envy.

Purple2012 · 27/08/2013 17:38

My memories of the popular kids at school are horrible ones. The popular ones were mostly bullies and people wanted to be liked by them so they weren't bullied. I don't have many good memories of school and it affects me now even though I am 40.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2013 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 27/08/2013 17:39

I can honestly say it has never crossed my mind to want this for DC, I cringe at the idea tbh.

I was bullied too, but it didn't lead to me admiring those at the top. Anything but.

Purple2012 · 27/08/2013 17:39

Meant to say there is a difference between popular and alpha. Some of the popular people were lovely. The alpha kida were not.

EstelleGetty · 27/08/2013 17:41

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for parents to negotiate this. Emphasising to your DC that they must be true to themselves, that they are good enough, but wishing things weren't hard for them.

Tbh, I think, once you leave school, not ever having been part of the in-crowd is kind of liberating. I avoid cliqueyness and bitchy people like the plague and, as a result, have a group of really sound, brilliant friends. But I know the 'alpha' crowd are still known for their cliqueyness.

Jamie, yes - self confidence is something I wish I'd had more of when I was at school.

Feminine · 27/08/2013 17:41

plus there is no accounting for taste with kids.

My eldest is well liked , but is not that friendly Confused

My youngest son is also well liked, and he loves people.