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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 27/08/2013 18:36

I'm so PFB it has never entered my head that DS will be anything but Blush

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2013 18:36

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AintNobodyGotTimeFerThat · 27/08/2013 18:37

I don't care what social school rank my children have to be honest as long as they have a friend(s), feel safe at school and aren't struggling I couldn't give a damn.

All the really popular ones in my school had real problems. So I wouldn't have wanted to be involved with them. I was middle of the range and didn't do too bad at all. I noticed the popular ones were the ones who lost their virginity at 12/13, who smoked at that age as well, who used to be real lippy with the teachers and a fair few of them had dysfunctional home lives - hardly what I'd want my child to be like.

Equally, only 1 person who was considered even slightly popular in a mix of my schools that I still hear about through others has a stable job. The others had children young, one getting the child taken off them. A few others have drug problems, others are just dossers really (not that I am judging dossery, but they aren't 'successful' like you think they are).

But hey ho, we all have different experiences.

I will never pressure my children to be someone they are not.

MarshaBrady · 27/08/2013 18:37

Ds1 is apparently popular with the other children, as said at the p/t evening. I just assumed they said that to everyone.

He wouldn't hurt a fly however, much less bully anyone.

thebody · 27/08/2013 18:38

but why would anyone assume that 'popular in school meant popular in life'??? that's so ridiculous really isn't it.

I think this Is a really nasty thread to be honest.

I can only speak from my experience but my 4 went to the local comp and I have no idea who were the alpha kids or who weren't.

horrible to gloat that children once popular will somehow fail in life. silly to assume that so called geeky kids will succeed.

as said think less Disney movie watching and more RL experience needed. op at 4 and 7.

Katkins1 · 27/08/2013 18:39

How to get along in life : Work hard, read books, earn your place in school and / or academics. Be yourself, stick to your morals. Do what pleases you, and be kind.

I have no idea if my DD is popular or not at school, but I know how she is progressing in her subject areas.

To me, that is more important.

nooka · 27/08/2013 18:41

TSC do you really not recognise the description of the 'queen bee' type groups though? I really don't think that they are uncommon at all. I'm not suggesting that your children are in a group like that, but 'super popular "alpha"' is really not the same as admired and generally liked.

usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 18:42

I wanted my kids to be themselves I didn't give a shit if they were in with the 'in crowd' and neither did they. Thank fuck.

thebody · 27/08/2013 18:42

can't get my breath at describing children as 'bitches Nd slags' how dreadful.

I suggest also some posters may be sending their children to the wrong schools.

yeuk!! horrible thread.

Fillyjonk75 · 27/08/2013 18:42

I think all you can do is help your child feel supported at school by being involved with school events where possible and getting to know the other parents at least to chat to, dont have to be great mates with them or anything.

Get them ready for school educationally. Boost their self esteem wherever possible. Teach them that kindness and consideration for others is important. Help them with what is reasonable and unreasonable behaviour in others. Get them involved with kids in their class and other classes in one or two school/non school clubs.

Turniptwirl · 27/08/2013 18:43

There are more important things I'd want for my DC, like intelligence and personality

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2013 18:44

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usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 18:45

Oh blimey, maybe I should rtft.

Flicktheswitch · 27/08/2013 18:47

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trinity0097 · 27/08/2013 18:48

Trying to make your child popular may backfire, I taught a boy recently who had a Mum that wanted him to be cool, wouldn't cut his hair when she should so he could have a flick, bought him all the trendy clothes. The kids saw right through it and he was never cool because his personality wasn't one that fitted in with the cool kids. Another child in the same year group, parents barely a bean to rub together, no trendy clothes, hair cuts, gadgets etc etc was cool because of how she was as a person.

I would suggest not going out of your way to make them what you perceive to be cool. Making sure that their personal hygiene is up to scratch is important as it one of the biggest things that turn other children off a child. That is cheap to achieve!

Flicktheswitch · 27/08/2013 18:48

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Platinumstart · 27/08/2013 18:49

TSC yeah the girls are all popular cos they're, like, promiscuous sluts who put out and that's the only reason the boys like them....

Honestly this shit always comes up. So fucking depressing and it's so difficult to say without sounding like a twat but you know what I was popular at school and my life is fucking brilliant now. And Im a nice person most of the time I'm sorry if that offends the MN sensibilities, but jeez this is stereotypical tripe

pianodoodle · 27/08/2013 18:51

It's all very well wanting it for them (although personally I don't see the need) but how would you go about engineering it?

Surely they'll be whatever they'll be you can't watch them all day at school?

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/08/2013 18:51

I should probably clarify in my head "popular" and "well liked" are not the same thing.

Lots of well liked people I went to school with are doing well, the self designated "popular" people are not.

FrickingFracking · 27/08/2013 18:51

Platinum I don't agree at all. There were some how were popular as in 'genuinely liked by everyone' usually because they were funny and kind, but they weren't the super popular alpha children that the OP is talking about.

IME The genuinely well though of by everyone children seem to have done fairly well for themselves, I ended up being friendly with a few of them and they did well after school. Decent grades and charisma is a winning combination in any walk of life.

That said, super popular alpha children were not popular because they were funny or nice or kind or charismatic or any of that. They were mean and manipulative and traded in fear mostly. They were the ones that held house parties and announced who wasn't invited. Everyone wanted to be accepted by them because if you were liked enough by them to not be a target then your life was happier.

The sad truth is that there were some kids at school that were really nasty, people. Outwardly popular and fun to be around but manipulative and cruel when necessary to maintain their position. They existed then, they exist now. Some of them will have MNetters as mothers, its just the facts of it. It might be my DD in a few years, who knows. But you can't pretend that these children don't exist.

JohnnyFontaneCannaeSing · 27/08/2013 18:52

I will only say this as it anonymous but I was popular at school as was my husband. My dcs are popular my ds very much so. IMO you can't buy it you either are or you aren't its something your born with. Those who try to be what they aren't look pathetic. A mother trying to make her dcs popular is the most cringeworthy thing ever and the children ending up acting and looking ridiculous. I can't believe this is something you desire for your kids and I hope you keep it to yourself. Most stupid vacuous post ever!!! You should be embarrassed.

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 18:55

Great. My popular but academically struggling child is now likely to be a later life failure or a glue sniffer or dead. Fabulous. Sad

BoundandRebound · 27/08/2013 18:55

Popularity as children is no sign of later success, supposedly

I would love my children to be popular but they have friends, its enough. And I have no idea whether that means popularity on their level

I do know a couple of popular kids in early secondary (2 diff schools) who are nasty little buggers through

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/08/2013 18:56

Definitely depends on the school ethos. I went to a very academic school and it was cool to achieve (though not to be top of the class in everything) Most of my classmates have gone on to be fairly successful in their respective fields though the 'sad' crowd (which included me) are more settled, happily married etc in addition to being successful.

IIRC in our entire year group there were only 2 or 3 who managed to tread the fine line between being popular and being genuinely nice people. Most of the rest who were in were horrible to the rest of us. The alpha popular girl stood up in front of the whole class when we had a couple of new girls join and said 'There are 3 groups here - the sads, the slags and the cools.' (pointing each group out as she announced this) Our teacher just laughed Hmm seemingly having no idea how miserable the girl who said it tended to make the people she picked on. I'm only slightly irritated that despite being horrible throughout 7 years at secondary school she is now a successful playwright. Grin

Coconutty · 27/08/2013 18:56

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