to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

[dirtyface]

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

I'd rather aim for the good fun but slightly nerdy group. These seem to come into their own at 6thform level and go onto to the most successful. Being in the 'in crowd' lower down the school is hard work and there are some very unpleasant individuals around. Saying that, I'm basing it on girls whereas the in crowd of boys seem much nicer and generally based around sport.

in my year we had the "skanks", random people/groups (who where builled) the sneared at but not buiiled, the bullys who where populaer..but only out of fear. than you had the truely populer, who wouldnt no bully, but also wouldnt stand up for anyone.

i was in the skanks group, though i had 3-4 close friends, who we are still very close still. one got expelled for me by marching into a class romm and giving my bully what for in front of the teacher and full classroom... when i had told her what the bully had done that day.

all i want for my sons are to get through school, never bullyinh, having confideance to be their self and not have been builled. i want them to be able to stick up for their selfs AND OTHERS. if it came down to two choice buiilled or be builled.

The "in" crowd can turn on its members on a sixpence and your previous happy, "popular" child can become a miserable outcast at the whim of a group of people they may not even like or have that much in common with.

Your OP really saddens me, let your children be whatever they are, don't try and control their friendship groups or want them to be in with people just because of their status in your local area or primary school, that doesn't extrapolate into the real world.

I've seen this done to children and it doesn't end well.

I think you need to draw a distinction between the feared bullies and the nice popular kids. 2 different things.

also you need to watch less Disney movies and live in the real world.

so teach your kids to be self confident, fight back if needed not walk away as they will be bullied, to share, take turns, to be kind and above all to be able to laugh at themselves and share jokes.

in my 23 years as a parent I have never net an alpha kid, lots if alpha parents but no kids. generally kids are far too sensible to act like sheep. well mine were anyway.

My ds1 is one of those very popular ones. He's good looking and good at sport and very sociable. He also struggles academically, and I'm really worried about him coming out of school with no qualifications, tbh; it seems a distinct possibility although we're trying to avert it.

I just hope that his positive social qualities help him to get on in life, which I think would be easier if he were highly academic but nerdy, tbh.

Popular is fine but actually being not being in the 'it' crowd gives you a healthy dose of reality.

Despite moving to the other end of the country, much to my horror I ended up in the same halls at University with 2 of the most popular boys in my year at school. Week 1 they were still treating me with the disdain they had shown at school. By the end of week 3 they were desperate to hang out with me and the social life I had managed to make. They just couldn't cope as they had never had to make any sort of an effort before. Turns out they were quite nice boys but I basically had to hold their hands until Christmas.

Oh, when I think of the lives of those "Popular" girls in my school days. None of them reached anything of the level of super power that they seemed to have been wrapped in at the age of 16 or whatever. I have heard tales of joining cults (yes!) drugs, no expansion of their lives whatsoever and general mediocrity.
The ones who no one took a second look at are the mice that roared. fair play to them, it is only school, it finishes and then life starts. Try and survive it as best you can is all I would suggest.

All the popular kids from my school are now either pregnant with no 6 by the 6th different dad or in prison (and I went to a really good school!) I think success and achievement come from allowing your children to be themselves spread their wings be friends with whoever the fuck they want (within reason obvs) and if they feel confident being themselves that will spill over into life. Sorry but I don't consider 'popularity' to be the b all and end all.

I'm sorry, I've only read the OP, but IME, some popular people end up successful (and/or happy). Those are the ones who were popular because they were basically nice, and good at being nice.

OTOH I know 'popular' people who essentially made other people feel bad, or were liked because their parents were soft touches. That isn't such a great set up, obviously.

God knows how you steer between the two, but it really sobered me going back to my reunion recently, and seeing how several of the 'popular' people had never been given any proper social skills. And the difference between them and other popular people of the other kind was so stark - we're talking the difference between people who were happily married, successful in their careers, just looked so content, and people who were still living with mum and dad and unemployed - yet we'd not seen it when we were at school. It really made me think.

Be careful what you wish for. I was probably the "you" of my school. Shortest in my class, glasses when they weren't cool, braces, pudgy (not fat then, I am now though) and shy.

Popular Girl 1 - recovering heroin addict, just had her fourth child taken away by SS
Popular girl 2 - flitted from relationship to relationship, none of them going anywhere because she was expecting to be atop a pedestal and worshipped like a goddess for all eternity. Can be seen miserably propping up the bar on a Saturday night waiting for her next victim.
Popular boy - dead

This is just 3 of the children I went to school with. I wasn't in the in crowd and regularly the butt of many jokes and I was bullied. But I was always confident in my own abilities. I was musical, and lived in the music department. Did the school shows and usually got one of the parts (not the leads, but they are usually meh anyway . I had good friends who I've stuck with for the last 20 odd years.

Nurture your children to be confident in themselves and toTreat everyone with kindness and I don't think y will go far wrong.

I think you need to draw a distinction between the feared bullies and the nice popular kids. 2 different things.

i am. as i said, i don't want them to be feared, i would hate that. i want them to be nice, AND popular. well they are both nice kids, but they are quiet with it, particularly DS, and i worry his quiet, shy personality type won't do him any favours

I feel a bit sad that everyone's saying the popular kids do badly in later life. Being one of the popular ones is one of my ds1's few real strengths in life, objectively speaking (obviously I think he's all round marvellous, but I'm not daft about achievements and outcomes)

My dh was very popular at school. He didn't do at all well for himself academically though. Too cool for school and all that.

I'd like dd to have his gregarious nature on the one hand, but I don't want her to be like he was at school. It's a difficult one.

Its so strange to read this as I was discussing with DH the other day that those on my facebook from school (many years ago!) who were what others considered popular don't seem very happy now in our 30's. Of course this could be just the bad fortune of the few I am still in touch with and not a worldwide pattern!

I can imagine it was hard for Miss Popular at school who was always the pretty one, the fun one and the one everyone tried their hardest to fit in with to step out into real life to find not everyone else saw it the same way. One girl I am still in touch with is so unhappy with her 'lot', one failed relationship after another and is constantly trying to arrange school reunions that someone actually commented that its like she is trying to always go back to those days! I am not surprised really given that we all thought she could walk on water at school and treated her like so. Looking back, that had to be tough!

I don't think popular kids always do less well at school than they could. It's just the danger is that they put too much energy into socialising! Then I left it until I got to university and spent all my time socialising; and then didn't do nearly as well as I could have. I don't really regret that though.

everlong, I'm fairly sure your kids are popular for good reasons.

It does happen.

*Blimey. Not for good reading for those of us with popular kids is it.

Christ.*

The point is your children should be in whatever friendship group they choose to be, not expected or wished to be "popular" by a parent trying to live vicariously.

My DD1 (now 18) was not an alpha kid. She plodded along through school, was popular enough to always have a friend, but was always taught to be a "true" friend, be friends with someone because you like them, not what stuff they have.
There was a bit of a dip in Y7-8 when she wasn't popular because she wasn't into boys, painting her nails and being bitchy to other girls.
But at 18 now (she is shortly off to Uni), I am proud of the way she has turned out, she has a good circle of friends-girls and boys from all sorts of backgrounds who look out for each other. I've never told her to be friends with certain people based on their popularity, she has made her own choices.

DD2 (15- about to go into Y11) is in a year which is full of -quite frankly- a bunch of over indulged, entitled bitches. The amount of girl drama and heartbreak that goes on is unbelievable. They are constantly scoring points of each other, nicking each others boyfriends and bitching about others on FB. They are regularly out drinking.
I'm so glad dd2 is not part of that Alpha crowd, and has a few geeky, slightly oddball friends, who are "left out" of the drama.

DD3 (11- about to start Y7) is fairly popular with the "normal" girls (ie not super-popular) they are still into Minecraft and Puppies. Long may it last.

I am currently an admin for the Y7 Parents FB page, which is currently in meltdown as we all get ready for our DC to go to "Big School". One parent asked about school bags? Another parent came back and said it had to be branded or no one will talk to them (Ie Hollister or Nike at LEAST), I told her that Tesco was a brand (and was tempted to say parents like her are part of the problem, but that might have been a bit harsh!!!)

My 13 year old is popular. He is always voted form captain, including when he started a new school and had only been there a week before being elected. He has girls fighting over him and got the covetted form sports prize. However, he is extremely insecure, way too (imo) obsessed with his looks, clothes, hairstyle...

My 11 year old is generally classed as "a Hermione" and hangs out with the kids who go to the library to revise at lunchtime and always has her hand up first in class. She has some lovely genuine friends, excellent school results and is perfectly self confident and a nice girl.

I am sure life will be easier for DD than for DS. In any case, I don't think us parents can do a lot to influence things one way or another.

Who rises to the top at school I think depends on the school. I went to a comprehensive as did most of my friends now (age 36). Most of my friends also went to university out of comprehensive schools or from some of the lower fee private schools (mixed sex, day schools). We are all super-successful adults but were the middling people at school, the really 'popular' people at our schools did not spend enough time studying to make it to good unis and 'peaked' in their late teens which those of us slightly harder working or nerdier went off to uni and have been more successful since then.

I accept this would not be the case in a very high-flying school where all pupils go to university and the popular kids are also academic.

Floral I agree about FB and seeing where the popular kids have ended up. Recently I've begrudgingly accepted some friend requests from some of the popular kids from my primary and secondary, there is a reunion coming up and so suddenly contact from people I would never normally have contact with.

I was a little surprised to find that most of them all still hang about together in our small, dull hometown, in the same pub that their parents went in. Most didn't end up doing too well academically, so I suppose once school finished they didn't have all that many options.
A couple of the popular ones look successful, but they were definitely the nicer, less nasty, and much brighter popular ones.

I'm hoping my DC are the not bullied, but not too-popular type. Though given DH and I, they are likely to be total geeks!