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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2013 23:08

Don't think of it, or present it, as contradictory advice or going over MIL's head. Just be there, support her, answer questions if asked, tell her your experience if it feels right. Sounds like the poor woman might have too much 'friendly advice' as it is.

mynameisslimshady · 15/08/2013 23:09

I think the pair of you should leave her alone and let her come to you if she wants advice.

BrokenSunglasses · 15/08/2013 23:10

I'd make it known that you can offer advice directly to your SIL if she wants it, but I wouldn't just wade straight in there with advice. It could be very overwhelming for your SIL, and didn't we all have problems bfing for the first time in the first couple of days?

If your SIL is keen to do it, she will.

kali110 · 15/08/2013 23:10

Think its up to her. If baby is happy with bottle and shes happy with that its her choice

thebody · 15/08/2013 23:10

it's not going over her head is it. your sil doesn't belong to her mother. But perhaps just ask sil if she's ok? bring it into your chat.

bear in mind her baby is only a day old and as we all know bf is harder until the milk comes in.

just be there for her and support her decisions.

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2013 23:10

Gosh just leave the poor woman alone with her baby and her choices unless she comes to you.

I'm sure you mean well, but being in her position would drive me crackers.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 15/08/2013 23:13

I'd ask SIL how she feels about it. Young or not, she'll have an opinion.

If she states she wants to breastfeed then that is your cue to explain how it is done, what positions to get baby into etc.

MIL is right though it is as long as baby is happy. However, baby will be happy with either but be protected from nasty illnesses by one and not the other.

Of course it's up to SIL and it's of course whether she is capable/doesn't struggle as breastfeeding isn't easy/possible for everyone.

PeriodFeatures · 15/08/2013 23:13

God, poor young woman. She must be really overwhelmed. I would be reluctant to give anyone advice unless they really wanted it. Like MrsTerryP suggested, just be there for her and let her talk if she wants to. I expect she would already have made decisions about what she wanted to do. If she wanted to BF then there is no reason why you can't support her unless she doesn't want it.

EmmaGellerGreen · 15/08/2013 23:18

She had her first baby YESTERDAY! Leave her be and give advice when/if it is asked for.

PoppyWearer · 15/08/2013 23:19

Just bear in mind that your MIL is coming at this out of love for her daughter.

(And I'm saying this as an advocate of bf.)

I saw it with my own SIL. MIL was desperate for DN to take a bottle so that she could babysit, to allow SIL to have a break. SIL have up on bf'ing the second it got difficult. MIL was acting out of love for her daughter and her grandchild. Sure, she wanted her snuggles (she didn't get many of them from my DCs!). But...the love for her DD was paramount.

I saw it with my own DMum. She didn't suggest it forcefully, but she saw how exhausted I was with my DC1 and quietly suggested when DC2 was imminent that I think about bottle feeds, so that I could have a break. FWIW I was more determined to bf and continued but did introduce the odd bottle.

I would just let SIL know that you are there if she needs you, but otherwise butt out, as you risk making her feel guilty whatever her choice.

Fairylea · 15/08/2013 23:21

Are you sure the mil isn't doing what her dd has asked her to do? Your advice might be very unwelcome.

I'd just support her and not say anything about breastfeeding at all. I'm sure she is overwhelmed at the moment.

littlemisswise · 15/08/2013 23:22

Poor SIL, she had her baby yesterday FFS. Leave her alone the pair of you.

SaucyJack · 15/08/2013 23:25

Oh leave her alone!

Most first time mothers aren't experts at the end of day 1 and you shoving your breastapo agenda down her throat is no better than your MIL shoving a bottle down the baby's throat.

Original poster

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:55

Sil is very very keen to breastfeed and is asking for advice from mil who's giving her incorrect advice. I won't see sil for a fortnight now by which point it may be too late if she asks my advice which is why I thoughtiI'd send a text to let her know she can ask me ifshe would like to but no problem if not.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2013 23:59

If she's keen to breastfeed then she'll do it.

The same as you did it and millions of other women.

She was happy to trust her mum to let her sleep while she looked after the baby (which was lovely of her to do)

Yes, she bought the wrong teats but I'm sure she'll rectify that.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'too late'?

Too late for what?

Garcia10 · 16/08/2013 00:12

How old is your SIL? You are treating her as if she were a child!

I'm sure she is more than capable of making her own decisions, particularly with the support of the midwives/HV around her. Even 11 years ago I found the midwives were very helpful in breast feeding and I can only imagine it has improved since then.

I think you need to butt out. My SIL coming along and basically telling me how to feed my child would have really annoyed me.

Goldmandra · 16/08/2013 00:18

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here.

I would send her a text congratulating her, reminding her that establishing BFing can be a bit of a rough ride and, if she feels she would like a bit of advice and support, she's welcome to text you.

kiwimumof2boys · 16/08/2013 00:26

Yeah I agree with Goldmandra. Its nice you want to give her advice and help, but wait for her to ask you.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 00:31

Yes wait for her to ask!

Don't just jump in because you feel you want to 'get in there' before she takes her own Mother's advice.

Because that's a teensy bit how you've come across (imo) due to you being irked by her feelings about you breast feeding your toddler.

Your SIL doesn't need to get caught in the middle of anyone else's bad feelings.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 00:34

if she knows you were a BF support peer then i'm sure she is aware you would be there for advice if she wants it. I don't think there's any need to send that text tbh.

FirstStopCafe · 16/08/2013 01:41

I don't think there's any harm in sending her a text just to let her know you're happy to offer help/advice if she wants it. I know I was very grateful to all help I got when starting to bf

mynewpassion · 16/08/2013 01:49

According to you, MIL is giving her correct advice. Now, just let her know you are available to talk but leave her alone and let her come to you.

FanjolinaJolie · 16/08/2013 02:27

Even with the best of support she is not going to be an expert bfer in one day.

Leave her be.

AlbertaCampion · 16/08/2013 02:57

Well , I'm going to contradict the other posters OP, and say you should jump on in there... With both feet!

I was in a similar position to your SIL: really wanted to bf but found it very difficult at first, and in the hormonal fug of being a new mum I ended taking well-meant but shitty advice from my own mum that nearly did for me.

In retrospect it was only with some determined and expert advice from others that I eventually pulled through.

If your SIL is keen to bf but your MIL is about to cock it all up with "helpful" bottles before SIL really realises what is going on (re. how this will affect her supply), I think your SIL needs you...

If my DM had given my newborn a bottle on the first night - the first bloomin night! - I'd have been upset.

AlbertaCampion · 16/08/2013 03:01

P.S. I think the posters who are insisting that help should only be offered if she comes to you have forgotten what those first days of vulnerable, exhausted and nervous new motherhood are like.

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