to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

[CuteFeet]

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

What SaucyJack said!!

at "Breastapo" - so true!!

Everyone's a fucking expert.

OK, everyone get back behind their own personal quadruple locked front doors, shuddering at the very thought of reaching out and making a connection with another person.

After all, why would a new mother want any support or help for her family and friends- let her work it all out for herself. If she wants help she'll ask for it. Because asking for help is so very easy, isn't it?

OP, follow your instincts, they are absolutely sound. Tactfully, gently, hold out a hand. Even if your sil doesn't take it, she'll know it's there.

Well this is the thing-the baby has been given a bottle before bfeeding has had a chance to get going!

So that could be because SIL isn't bothered-but could also argue that MIL isn't giving SIL a chance to get going with the bfeeding!

Does anyone know what SIl wants?

Would she "stand up to" MIL if she doesn't want any more bottles giving whilst she's sleeping?

I think that you are in a good position to offer support and advice. I'd text her to let her know that you'd be willing to come and see her, help her with her latch etc if she wants.

I had PND and struggled with BF. Contrary to the poster above I wanted more support with breastfeeding. My partner and mother thought they were helpful by giving bottles but what I wanted was someone to say 'you're doing really well keep going' not 'do you think she's till hungry let's top her up'.

Yes Blazin but babies are 'only' getting colostrum (I say 'only' but obviously colostrum is pretty amazing stuff - there just isn't very much of it) for the first few days - I don't see how you'd know if breastfeeding was going ok or not so early on.

I would text or call her asap. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all.

I was heavily encouraged to give up bf my first child at 20weeks by family who were anti bf. I still am sad that I did so. I fed my second child for much longer.

That said the most important thing is that she does what is right for her, happy mum happy baby.

Gosh the OP is getting a terrible time of it! "Breastappo" because she's thinking of texting her SIL?

OP just do it. Reach out so she knows you're there. You can respectfully give your opinion without referring to your MIL.

I was very grateful for texts in the early days when mine were tiny.

Op you really are getting a hard time, from my pov (currently bf my second) I would call or text to offer support and congratulations and let her know that you are perhaps more up to date than MIL and if she wants to talk whenever then to ring or message you. I am confident and still had those " is she getting enough" thoughts initially with DC2 so having someone reach out to a less confident new mum I consider only to be a good idea. Good luck

Jenai - your moment about it being irrelevant because her milk hasn't come in is exactly the kind of advice that can cause harm. I did a huge amount of damage to my nipples in the first couple of days because of a poor latch - made feeding agony for weeks.

And what jollyb said was exactly what I needed to hear in the early days of bf my first! !

The first post (re comments not sore nipples)

Thank heavens, a few sensible people...

I think a text is ok, so long as worded carefully (not explicitly mentioning BF issues she may be having/help she may need). Also bear in mind that she may have wanted to BF prior to baby being born, but reality can be different, especially if, as you say, she's been finding it difficult so far.

I BF my first born DS for 2 days before jaundice set in, then I had to express for all his feeds so we could measure his fluid intake. After a week in hospital under photo light therapy and with fully expressed feeds, he refused the breast so I persevered with expressing until a combination of mastitis and exhaustion of expressing to bottle feed set in, and I gradually switched to formula. If some well meaning BF advocate had tried to persuade me to keep going, I think I would have crumbled.

On subsequent pregnancy with DD, I did want to BF but it wasn't until the reality of a screaming hungry baby, cracked nipples in the first 24 hrs and a curious toddler gawping at my exposed breast, that I realised I couldn't do it. You may well have been well intentioned and offered support, but that would have only made me feel even more of a failure. Not your intention I know, but all I'm saying is tread carefully as even the most innocent comment can be taken the wrong way by an inexperienced, tired, hormone-filled new mum who just wants to do their best for their baby. Whatever that best may be is not for anyone else to decide.

YANBU for caring but YWBU to make this a you vs MIL battleground.

Send that text.

I'm a bit curious and cannot think of any situation that the "feeding method does not matter" conversation should ever be needed with a healthy baby and healthy mother who want to breast feed and the baby is only a day old.

How would that be helpful?

It definitely sounds a tricky situation.

MIL might think she's doing the best by letting SIL rest & FF then.

In future, SIL might think that MIL sabotaged her bfeeding if she doesn't manage to get it established.

I would send her a text reminding her that you have worked as a peer supporter and have experience with BF so if she needs any help or support then to let you know.

After that I would wait for her to approach you.

The first week of my baby's life was absolutely ruined by breastfeeding bullying. I didn't make any milk at all for ten days and my baby got very ill, he would have been even iller if I hadn't insisted after days with nothing he be given a small amount of formula through a pipette.

I found the whole experience incredibly upsetting, was made to feel like a failure and brow beaten and bullied.

Offer your help but then wait for her to ask, don't force anything on her.

9 weeks on I'm still bf BUT I had the 'is she still hungry why not use that formula in the cupboard' chat in the first few days. Luckily I had good midwives so I was confident in saying no she's fine. If anyone had given her a bottle I would have been furious! Your sil needs ur support IMO, which might give her the confidence to say no to mil.

Just seen your post sock-yes it seems odd.

Unless there are problems, shouldn't MIl be supporting SIL in these early days in whatever she's wanting to do-unless dangerous/detrimental to baby?

I'd sent her a text to offer advice if wanted, & leave it at that.

A few thoughts. A lot of women dont really want to bf - they feel they should because of pressure from society (esp where I live in London where it is seen as the normal thing to do) but in their hearts don't want to. So are looking to give up and keen to be given a reason to. It could be that mil is trying to reassure sil that it's ok not to and it won't harm the baby as long as s/he is fed. You are assuming she is desparate to feed which of it were the case surely she would be contacting you, midwife, helplines etc. I bf exclusively for a year but it was easy for me - no pains, infections or cracked nipples and pretty short feeds so was easy to keep up with it. I know loads of people who had to give up and all feel as though they have to come up with a really good excuse as to why rather than jut saying they didn't want to do it anymore. There shouldn't be such pressure on people.

OK Jolly, how would anyone (including you) know after two days that breastfeeding wasn't working out? That's what I'm trying to get at - it might not be going as well as it might already, but I doubt either MIL or SIL could tell. How could they?

I agree with sending a text to say your there for her if she wants advice/help with breast feeding.