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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:
LongTailedTit · 18/08/2013 10:26

OP can't go over -

"I won't see sil for a fortnight now by which point it may be too late"

pigletmania · 18/08/2013 10:43

Just read the rest, imwould pop round with some chocci and cake tosupportmumbreastfeeding to see the baby.

pigletmania · 18/08/2013 10:48

It can be saved if mum wants it, not too late at all. I have heard of premature babies who were fed BM via a tube, to be breastfeeding months later so it can be done

diddl · 18/08/2013 11:28

But prem babies are fed via a tube as it's the only way of getting milk into them!

Bfeeding is started as soon as they are able if that's what the mum wants.

Goldmandra · 18/08/2013 12:14

I would pop round too.

You're not pushing an agenda by doing so, your helping her to do something she sounds like she's desperate to do.

You don't sound like the sort of person who would walk in and start trying to latch the baby on for her. You're clearly going to offer good advice in a gentle, supportive manner which is exactly what you SIL needs right now.

Someone needs to tell your MIL to back off. Giving someone else's newborn a bottle of formula without their permission is a terrible thing to do. It sounds awfully like she wanted a bit of bonding time with her new DGC and went right ahead without giving a thought to her daughter's needs or wishes.

pigletmania · 18/08/2013 12:23

That's what I meant diddle, premature babies don't generanally feed from the boob straight away, the mum sometimes expresses milk or it's from themilk bank

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 18/08/2013 12:54

OP you are absolutely right to offer her help. Good for you.

diddl · 18/08/2013 13:56

Yes, because often they're not strong enough/don't know how to.

But of course mum is expressing to keep her supply going.

But once they do start bfeeding-that's all they do iyswim.

Hopefully the one bottle given won't be enough to mess things up completely, & MIL may feel she's acting for the best.

But it does sound as though she might be trying to take over so that things are done her way?

And if SIL is living with her, might feel it's easier to give in?

pigletmania · 18/08/2013 17:05

I know diddle and when you are a frost time miu everything is overwhelming, sometimes you give in for the peace

binhome · 18/08/2013 17:21

Omg. Thats terrible op. My third baby was big!! And wight dropped off so much we were readmitted to hospital. She had formula topups but that was after a breastfeed.
I would be inclined to thibk mil could be wanting to sabotage breastfeeding for her own agenda.
Its a shame you can't visit sooner.

binhome · 18/08/2013 17:22

Omg. Thats terrible op. My third baby was big!! And wight dropped off so much we were readmitted to hospital. She had formula topups but that was after a breastfeed.
I would be inclined to thibk mil could be wanting to sabotage breastfeeding for her own agenda.
Its a shame you can't visit sooner.

binhome · 18/08/2013 17:23

O and these top ups were by tube not a fast flow bottle fgs. Even at the end we introduces suitable newborn bottles.

binhome · 18/08/2013 17:23

Sorry for double post.

binhome · 18/08/2013 17:25

curlew things have moved on abit since yesterday.

BitchyRestingFace · 18/08/2013 17:34

Oh yes, the size of the baby is totally irrelevant. I'm from a family of big babies - I was the smallest at 9lb 3oz - and we were all EBF. DS was 10lb 14 and EBF.

Original poster
CuteFeet · 18/08/2013 22:48

Sil doesn't want visitors yet because of how regularly she's pumping. She spoke to dh today and said baby had 8oz of bm and 8 oz of formula over 3 feeds during last night! She's giving up trying to get baby to latch on as mil has concluded sils breasts are too big and making it impossible for dn to feed now. Ffs!

OP posts:
binhome · 18/08/2013 22:53

Sorry thats crap. I have 36 l cups yes l and managed to feed 2 babies.

binhome · 18/08/2013 22:53

Sorry agreeing with you op.

BoozyBear · 18/08/2013 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LongTailedTit · 18/08/2013 23:20

Gawd it gets worse. Your MIL has rolled out almost every BF myth so far.

Just in case it helps, my DS was early/small/jaundiced/tongue-tied/colicky/reflux and couldn't latch, so due to that unhelpful cocktail he had formula and expressed BM for the first month. After his TT was snipped and other issues were sorted, we weaned him off bottles and onto the boob with the help of breast shields at about a month old - I then EBF him until 2yo!
So she could possibly turn it around, if she keeps the pumping up.

JenaiMorris · 19/08/2013 07:38

Text saying you could help her with dn's latch if she wants. Just don't overplay breastfeeding and make her feel shit if she stops trying. otherwise the poor girl is going to feel torn between two competitive corners.

If you can't get to see her in person, maybe suggest a fellow counsellor nearer by.

thistlelicker · 19/08/2013 08:14

Give her a ring and see what she wants to do

petalsandstars · 19/08/2013 08:38

Please ring her op, if she does want to breastfeed then maybe she would be ok with a visit for that purpose not for entertaining.

Minifingers · 19/08/2013 09:12

Jenai - what do you mean 'overplay breastfeeding'? What do you think the OP is going to do? March in to a new mum struggling with breastfeeding and start evangelising about the benefits? Has she said one thing on this thread which suggests she's unkind and insensitive?

OP - reading your descriptions of what's happened to your SIL through this thread has been like watching a slow motion car crash. The really sad thing is you know this scenario is repeating itself over and over again every day in the UK against a background of voices saying 'It doesn't matter how a baby is fed' and 'don't make her feel guilty'. It makes me feel like breastfeeding hasn't got a great future here - in the sense that although more people may start, (because of all the promotion) fewer and fewer babies will get more than a couple of weeks of breastfeeding.

wellieboots · 19/08/2013 09:15

OP you have had a hard time on this thread but this is getting worse. Your MIL has trotted out every myth in the book and your SIL is really struggling. I am still ebf DD at 9 months but we had some really tricky times and I wish I'd had more support. I dont want to bf any future DCs because of what ive been throughPlease offer her whatever support you can.