to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

[CuteFeet]

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

Mumsnet is full of women saying "Oh, I really wanted to bf, but I tried for 3 days and it didn't work" Absolutely fine if they didn't want to, but really sad if they did, and didn't get the support they needed.

I hope you're sent your text, CuteFeet.

Further to that. If she does ask for your help try to make sure you don't force it and that however she decides she still feels positive about herself.

My experience was awful primarily because I actually wanted to breastfeed. There were girls (and they were mainly girls, teenage mothers) on my word who had decided from the day dot that they didn't want to breastfeed who were given formula and then left alone.

Because I actually said I wanted to breastfeed I was descended on and brow beaten, bullied, made to feel awful. I was kept in hospital for 2 weeks and when I finally produced milk I was put on this awful schedule of pumping my breasts for an hour, giving the baby the milk through a pipette for an hour (he wouldn't latch on) then for the third hour I could sleep. Although it takes me a while to get off so I effectively had 20 minutes sleep an hour. As soon as the alloted hour for sleep was over I would be woken by a nurse to sleep again. It was like being a prisoner of war, sleep deprivation like that is used as a torture technique.

In the end I can home and he was express breast feed for months with some topping up with formula as he wouldn't latch on. I probably could have got him to latch on with some proper help and support but it got to the point that I just felt I couldn't deal with any of these people any more and just said 'enough'.

So offer help if you want, but make sure she doesn't feel bullied. Don't push an agenda at her expense and don't make her feel negative about herself or following her mother's advice.

I would give her a call, ask how she is feeling , and add in that you're more than willing to help check latch etc if she ever feels she needs help.

I would have been fuming at the MIL giving a bottle !

yummymum That was the point I forgot wanted to make too, about pressure from society to at least give BF a go (which I think everyone should, by the way). However I know that it I was to have a third DC, I wouldn't BF but there's no way I would admit that to the midwives in advance, as its not the done thing. Sad, I know, but I'm a people pleaser coward.

I would give no advice unless asked for.

And stand by and watch MIL sabotage your SIL's attempts to breastfeed.

Because I'm a bit of a coward like that.

"A lot of women dont really want to bf"

Yes - we are a bottlefeeding culture with an unusually strong sexual fixation on breasts. This impacts on how women feel about breastfeeding - lots find doing anything which feel culturally alien and a bit sexually 'yuck' in the early weeks of new motherhood unacceptable. Hence low rates of breastfeeding.

Sad for babies, but hey ho, such is life.

Be ready with a good stash of platitudes about not breastfeeding. There are many on this thread which you can store up and wheel out to make everyone feel emotionally comfortable about it.

Gosh, poor OP! She's concerned that her SIL's choices are being undermined by her MIL and would like to find a way to make sure that's not happening and she gets called 'the breastapo'.

OP I'm sure if you've been a peer supporter you'll know that it can be hard for some women to ask for help and anyone who's had DC knows how overwhelming it can be at first. You could quite easily send your SIL a text saying congratulations, you hope she's feeling ok and that if she is still choosing to breastfeed you can help if she has any questions or needs any advice and maybe that the early days can be hard, so hang on in there.

Definitely text her. Keep it light, but make it clear she can call you any time, day or night. She will probably massively appreciate it.

Oh, and OP - remember that lots of people will interpret giving support and encouragement to breastfeed as 'bullying' and 'pressurising', no matter how kindly meant or how sensitively done. If underneath there is unacknowledged emotional ambivalence towards breastfeeding, a mother sometimes needs to find a peg to hang her feelings of blame and guilt on. You may find yourself being that peg. Be warned.

That's why I stayed out of the picture when my SIL was struggling with breastfeeding.

Curlew

Mumsnet is also full of new mothers who are stressed and depressed about every Tom, Dick and Harry within a 200 mile radius popping up the minute they've birthed telling what they think the mother should be doing with her new baby.

The baby is only a day old. She needs and most likely wants space to find her own feet.

Why do people think the OP has 'an agenda'?

I've read and re-read the OP and can't see it anywhere. It can't purely be because the OP supports breastfeeding, can it......?

If the MIL has already given a bottle and the baby isn't even a day old, I would definitely give SIL some advice. Bottles should not be introduced until 6 weeks to avoid nipple confusion and if the SIL doesn't want there is no need for bottles AT ALL

Well the knives are out here some really bitchy comments arrived on this thread.

In my opinion it's all the snide 'breastapo' comments which made me incredibly worried and ashamed about breast feeding, so yeh, thanks ladies. You don't have to be an evangelical boobs out hippy to breastfeed you know.

OP - reach out, you sound like a lovely, caring and kind person.

FWIW I was one of those people for whom breastfeeding did not work out. I would have loved for someone I knew to say 'want some help?'. I persevered with feeding for 6 weeks and the most helpful person was my GIL who patiently showed me what to do and never said things like 'breast is best' and 'baby won't get immunity unless you BF'. She was always encouraging and positive about the whole thing.

I hated the people in hospital who preached at me and used overly negative language as if to scare me into wanting to BF even though I was clearly pro and trying. I was told my nipples were the wrong shape (they're not), that baby was a reluctant feeder (he wasn't, he was learning too), and that I would have a sickly baby if I used formula (I'd already said I didn't want to).

After a month of hell and baby losing weight I had my milk tested for nutrients. Turned out it wasn't the right composition (I'd lost my mum during pregnancy so my supply was severely affected by stress) so we moved to formula. Before that I had been made to feel like a failure by the midwives and breastfeeding support people.

Hope you sent that text. If she is feeling overwhelmed or things difficult and is determined to BF then she'll take you up on your offer.

"After a month of hell and baby losing weight I had my milk tested for nutrients. Turned out it wasn't the right composition"

Are you in the UK?

I have never heard of anyone being offered this sort of test here. Or anyone being told that their milk wasn't the right composition (though I know some women struggle to produce enough milk). What did they say was wrong with your milk?

SaucyJack- frankly I'm not going to with somebody who talks about the "breastapo". Just so eughh on so many levels.

You carry on believing people should be left alone to sink or swim- I'll continue to think that a single friendly text does not constitute harassment.

Sorry to hijack OP, but I'm just curious about the test Karin had.

Minifingers - I absolutely agree. And I say that as someone who put so much pressure on myself to breastfeed that I teetered on the edge of PND.

There are some vile comments on this thread, and I hope you're able to wade past them, CuteFeet, if you're able to come back to the thread at all...

That is, agree about the 'needing a peg' notion.

Not everyone 'wants' or 'needs' space on this issue, SaucyJack.

PFB was born in the dead of winter during a massive snowfall and I took myself out to breastfeeding clinics and drop-in centres to get the support I needed.

I'd have loved a friendly face to actually offer me personal support and advice. Loved it.

just wow

What happens when all health care is paid for by insurance companies, I suppose.

There's no harm sending a quick text, the baby is only a couple of days old and it would be normal to do that anyway to see how they are, if they need help etc.

IME one of the things new mums complain about is the lack of support with breastfeeding, leading to them stopping before they want to ( I'm a peer supporter also). I'd send the text offering support, if she wants to breastfeed but is struggling she will take you up on your offer.

Congratulations on your new niece or nephew!

I'm well aware you don't need to be a weirdy hippy to breastfeed adagio. I did it both times myself. It's nothing special.

The problem with being pro breastfeeding arises when you start to take an overly invested and uninvited interest in how other women choose to feed their babies. You might not like the term breastapo, but if the nipple shield fits.....

Seriously, it might not seem it to some of you now, but once you're over the PFB baby stage you'll soon realise that there's a whole wide world of things that are far more interesting than how other women feed their babies. Promise.

Could also be that SIL isn't contacting OP because she trusts her own mum?

Who may, or may not be advising her correctly.

That & the fact that she had a baby yesterday!

Minifingers the test was something I asked for and paid for - certainly wasn't offered! Baby was feeding but seemed to hate it and was losing weight so I asked my work health insurance company and they put me in touch with a nutritionist who had it tested. The sample was sent to the Netherlands I think.

By composition I meant there wasn't enough fat or iron in the milk. It was pretty costly but worth it for my piece of mind as I was slowly going down the road of PND from all the pressure I was putting on myself to BF as I am really pro BF.