Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:
MostlyCake · 16/08/2013 07:22

I would have welcomed consistent advice from someone who had my and the baby's best interests at heart but.....I didn't appreciate people pushing their own agenda....tricky path to tred especially since you're not going to be able to visit for 2 weeks.

If she's staying in a MW led unit she should get a decent amount of support anyway but if in a hospital perhaps not. A text offering practical support would be my suggestion. Can you visit sooner if she takes you upon offer?

adagio · 16/08/2013 07:27

I am with Alberta - Surely MIL should have taken tiny new baby into sleeping SIL for a lovely skin to skin cuddle which would hopefully have progressed into a feed - not given a fast flow bottle? If I had been SIL and my Mum (or anyone for that matter) had done a bottle in the first day I would have hit the roof, particularly if I then had supply issues.

adagio · 16/08/2013 07:30

Oh And I have a lovely cousin, who I haven't seen since I was ooo maybe 10 or something. Anyway, she is now a doula and (based purely on FB) I think is pro attachment parenting/breastfeeding etc - anyway she sent me the most lovely message on FB which was so supportive and really helped - it was nice to have that support ten though she lives hundreds of miles away and hasn't seen me for years.

mykingdomforasleep · 16/08/2013 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

karinmaria · 16/08/2013 07:39

You do sound as though you're pushing your pro-breastfeeding agenda a bit here, but it does sound as though your SIL needs more support. If someone had given my newborn a bottle (even if that person had been my DH!) on the first night instead of waking me for skin to skin and feeding I'd have been really upset.

As previously suggested, send her a message of congrats and let her know you're there if she wants any help from you. This is not going above your MIL's head, it's being supportive and you may find she'll come to you if she is keen on getting feeding established.

diddl · 16/08/2013 07:39

Well for me the issue is was MIL supposed to FF baby on the first night?

Does SIL want to combine feed?

I'd also send an email-or even phone, to say congrats & if you can be of any help/support, let you know.

Do you feel that she is being bullied by MIL to not bfeed-so that MIL can take over?

IslaValargeone · 16/08/2013 07:40

I can't get past mil taking the baby off for a feed while your sil was sleeping.

JassyAlconleigh · 16/08/2013 07:41

It's women like you (interfering agenda-pushers) who made people like me (struggling, PND, totally overwhelmed) a complete mess for the first few weeks.

She had a baby yesterday. God almighty. It's not your baby. Bite your tongue and keep your opinions private.

I'm sure there'll be plenty of ways in which you bring up your children that other people don't agree with. Be grateful that they have the manners and respect to refrain from dropping you helpful little texts to offer interference help.

Dackyduddles · 16/08/2013 07:50

Send txts. Your here for questions. Have time free etc etc. let her choose but show how/when contact can be made.

Even send a letter/email of links etc. and flowers obvs

TartanRug · 16/08/2013 07:51

If you want to support her, send her a text saying congratulations and if she needs anything to let you know. Don't interfere.

Dackyduddles · 16/08/2013 07:53

Jassy sorry you felt overwhelmed but really would have being alone been worse? Choice is key. Choose to pick up or ignore til suits, if ever. Pnd is blooming dreadful and also skews perception heavily, like all depression. I'm not sure being left alone answers anything either. That sounds the other end of a pendulum.

TallGiraffe · 16/08/2013 07:55

Jassy - that is v harsh on the OP, you cannot blame her for your experiences.

OP - I would send a congratulatory text/parcel of food/chocolate and say you remember how tough everything is to begin with and if she wants to pick your brains on feeding/nappy rash/ colic etc you're always at the end of a phone. Then it doesn't make it all about the feeding.

Enjoy the cuddles with your new niece/nephew!

JassyAlconleigh · 16/08/2013 08:08

Choice is key.

Absolutely. The mother's choice. Not her interfering sil.

I think it's far harsher badgering a new mother with your own agenda; she hasn't asked the OP for help, she's barely had the baby.

I think she should leave her alone and stick to congratulations.

differentnameforthis · 16/08/2013 08:10

I think the pair of you should leave her alone and let her come to you if she wants advice.

^^ That! Exactly that! I assume that your SIL knows what you did (worked as a peer supporter) and if she needs your help she will call on you.

Too much conflicting advice is not a great thing with a new baby. Especially as she is barely out of hospital!

curlew · 16/08/2013 08:12

I couldn't disagree more with the "let her be" argument. Of course don't go in like a bull in a china shop.

But a text reminding her that you have more than a "layman's" knowledge and if she would like to chat you're available is absolutely fine. Don't mention that you know anything about your MIL's involvement in case she feels disloyal talking to someone else-just say "I'm here if you need me".

sameoldIggi · 16/08/2013 08:13

I would be raging if anyone had given my baby a bottle without my permission. How dare she?
So while I agree with posters saying both parties need to back off, I would certainly make sure that is was known what the dm was doing. That is not acceptable at all.

curlew · 16/08/2013 08:14

Oh, and (if you are) say that you're available any time. Even if she never calls you, it's nice to know that people are on your side.

Dackyduddles · 16/08/2013 08:17

It isn't impolite to say 'here if helpful, otherwise see u in few weeks'. Think of it as cuddle by text.

One fine two plus ott. That's all I and I guess others suggesting.

RhondaJean · 16/08/2013 08:21

Sorry curlew but a laymans knowledge is exactly what the op has. She's not a midwife or a doula or a breastfeeding peer supporter. What she knows is what worked in a few limited situations for her as one mother with a few limited children in her own specific circumstances. Which is exactly the same as her mil knows.

I agree to back off. I'm perfectly sure your sil knows you breastfed, and a simple txt saying you are there is more than enough. And stop trying to make it into a battle between you and your mil for who is best.

Fwiw, breastfeeding doesn't create clingy children, and I'm pretty sure if your mil both bottle and bf she will know that, so I wouldn't worry she's trying to stop your sil. In fact I totally agree with her, feeding method is irrelevant as long as everyone is happy, better a well cared for bottle fed baby than a mother in bits trying to live up to some imagined ideal any time.

And yes I bf both of my children...

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 16/08/2013 08:23

I think the pair of you should leave her alone and let her come to you if she wants advice.

^^ this. She presumably knows you are a BFing peer supporter. If she wants your help she'll ask for it.

Bloob · 16/08/2013 08:28

I would give her a call. I think if she ends up not breast feeding because of some shitty advice then that could affect her for a long time.

I wouldn't be pushy about it, just say you're there to help if she needs it, you know how tough it can be with different advice from everywhere! Etc Etc.

diddl · 16/08/2013 08:29

But we don't know if everyone is happy.

And perhaps that's all important.

Maybe SIL was OK with MIL giving baby a bottle on the first night?

Bloob · 16/08/2013 08:29

Rhonda: the op is a breast feeding peer supporter

curlew · 16/08/2013 08:30

"Sorry curlew but a laymans knowledge is exactly what the op has. She's not a midwife or a doula or a breastfeeding peer supporter."

Yes she is.

JenaiMorris · 16/08/2013 08:34

Maybe the sil isn't as bothered about breastfeeding as you are, OP.

That you complain that your mil 'keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy' is quite telling. I wonder if you overstate the wonders of breastfeeding to the extent that your sil wouldn't dare approach you for fear of being made to feel a failure, whereas her own mother is actually trying to support her daughter?

This is all a bit irrelevant though because the poor woman's milk won't even have come in yet!